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Pluggers, 6/10/22

I have been writing this blog for far too many years, and a trend that I have noticed over that entire period is that syndicated newspaper comics have always felt like they need to be doing something to keep up with “the modern world” in some way. It keeps not working, but also there have continued to be syndicated newspaper comics for that entire period as well, so maybe they don’t, in fact, have to do anything at all, but their attempts are inevitably pretty funny. For instance, way back in 2006, For Better Or For Worse (only real ones will remember the Foobs) started posting animated versions of the strips on its website, except these were the same strips that went to physical newspapers where animation wouldn’t work so the only animation was that the characters would blink, and fairly slowly, so you could miss it and then see it out of the corner of your eye and be like “What the fuck was that, am I going crazy, are these people moving????” It wasn’t great! It wasn’t great for a number of reasons, not least of which is that the idea was planted that maybe some other cartoonist would try this stunt, and that they might try it at any time: that some image you assumed was static would suddenly start moving. This would be unsettling at any time, of course, but with some strips it would be much, much more traumatizing than others.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/10/22

In order to experience the round of inflation that rest of us are all going through, Hootin’ Holler would have to be connected to global supply chains and the worldwide central banking systems, which we all know is absolutely not the case. I assume this is just a coincidence and what actually happened is that a plane crashed on the edge of town that had a cargo hold full of $100 bills, or possibly Chuck E. Cheese ski-ball tickets.

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Blondie, 6/9/22

We all talk a lot about how Dagwood wears a full-on tuxedo every day to work, which none of his coworkers do — Mr. Dithers doesn’t even wear a suit jacket! — and that this is truly bizarre behavior, would make him a social pariah, is probably the result of some kind of personality disorder or maybe he lost a bet, etc. However, one thing I feel like we’ve never discussed is that he must be unpleasantly hot, like all the time. Yet he defiantly eschews any attempts to mitigate this, even to the extent of taking off his jacket, which I assume means that he’s also just drenched in sweat, constantly, over the course of his workday. A fun thing to imagine as he’s getting yelled at for goofing off, that he must smell pretty bad too!

Gasoline Alley, 6/9/22

I haven’t been keeping you up to date on Gasoline Alley because … well, I mean, why would I. I wouldn’t enjoy typing it out any more than you would be able to muster up enthusiasm for reading it. I will merely give you the bare bones — that back at the end of March Rufus and Joel were told that the the “Hollywood folks” were looking for them, and now, two and half months later, having intended to travel to Hollywood, a neighborhood in Los Angeles, California, they have mistakenly arrived in the city of Hollywood, Florida, instead. Even this is probably more Gasoline Alley plot information that you ever wanted or needed, but it’s important to set up today’s good news, which is that Joel and Rufus appear to be dying, so we probably won’t have to deal with any more Gasoline Alley plots ever again.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/9/22

“Yes, when I received the call from the man known as ‘the Street Sweeper’ asking if I could ‘cure crime,’ I did know that he had kidnapped the deceased at gunpoint and was refusing to hand him over to the police. But am I responsible for the carnage that happened seconds after I bluntly told him I couldn’t? Not according to my lawyer.” –Rex Morgan, in what most commentators will agree was one of the most disastrous interviews given on local TV news in a decade

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Dennis the Menace, 6/8/22

Damn, Dennis is trying to talk Joey into pulling off some Munchausen syndrome by proxy … by proxy? I guess that would just be regular Munchausen syndrome. Anyway, still extremely menacing all around.

Crankshaft, 6/8/22

I’m not a religious man, but I would urge you to pray to whatever God you believe in that we all will be blessed by a Crankshaft storyline where he and all his old friends lose their money in some extremely transparent crypto scam. Can’t wait to learn what kind of terrible ape-themed malapropism Ed will make as he stares out at us with dead eyes, mentally pushing back his retirement date to sometime in the mid 2040s.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/8/22

“Hmm,” thinks Rex. “I’m not thrilled at the prospect of having to leave the house, but on the other hand I do have that trepanning kit I haven’t gotten much use out of lately, thanks to those meddling liberals over at the FDA.”