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Six Chix, 6/1/22

Look, I’ll admit that I’ve spent quite a bit of time on this website — too much time, really — inflicting my musings about mermaid biology onto you, the innocent reader. Shamefully, a lot of it has focused on their reproductive lifecycle, thanks to Hagar the Horrible always shoving that in our face, but today I want to talk about locomotion. Usually when you see depictions of mermaids, they’re sitting on rocks jutting out of the sea or the beach or something, and without much thought you can accept that they kind of hopped up out of the water like a seal. But even if this bar is right on the wharf, this mermaid would have had a long way to go to get there, presumably dragging herself over the boardwalk and then across the floor of the bar before somehow managing to haul herself up on that stool. Have mermaids evolved extremely strong arms in order traverse land when necessary to escape predators or drop environmental knowledge on ignorant humans? Or does their powerful fluke propel them across the ground in a sort of flopping motion?

Funky Winkerbean, 6/1/22

Remember when Funky Winkerbean did a big time jump forward, like ten years ago, and loudly proclaimed that it would be focusing on a new generation of teenagers, and that its former teens, now a bunch of swiftly decaying middle-aged losers, would fade into the background, but then that never happened, because Funky Winkerbean in the ’70s may have been about fun teens but Funky Winkerbean in the 21st century can only ever be about how you, the reader, personally, are dying? Well, now the teens are taking on crippling debt, just to so that their own universe will pay more attention to them because they too are suffering. It’s sad, really!

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Dick Tracy, 5/31/22

I apologize for my commentary yesterday in which I claimed that Dick Tracy would not want to get to the bottom of this whole non-violent bank robbery situation. In fact, there’s nothing Dick would like more than to put these smarty-pants computer-using cyber types in jail, and if they’ve been doing crimes with their IBM PCs, well, that’s just a bonus. I respect the understated way that the Cinnamon Knight, whose whole deal is that he dresses up like a knight from the late middle ages, explains that cyber crime is “not his speciality,” because you can’t stab it with a sword, I guess.

Pluggers, 5/31/22

Man, the combination of “Jingle Bells” being in a thought balloon, the slouch, and the plugger’s heavy-eyed expression sure adds up to a lowkey grim panel. “Jingle Bells,” thinks the plugger tunelessly, thinking about how these days Christmas is about the only thing he can get excited about, with the lights and church service and family all around, while the rest of the year just feels more and more difficult to take, and we’re about halfway between Christmases and it’s hard to imagine holding on for another year but I guess this utility bill isn’t going to mail itself, “jingle bells.”

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Beetle Bailey, 5/30/21

Hope you’re having a happy somber and meaningful Memorial Day, everybody! Beetle Bailey, America’s #1 only military-themed comic strip, is honoring our war dead by depicting our NCOs as brutes whose murderousness can only be deflected by their encouraging their ravenous appetites. Someone has desperately spray-painted “ALWAYS REMEMBER!” on one of Camp Swampy’s buildings, in an attempt to force these people to remember the real purpose behind today’s celebration (it didn’t work).

Hi and Lois, 5/30/21

Hi Flagston is so disgusted by his brother-in-law’s unit that he and Thirsty are spending Memorial Day giving what I assume is a shoutout to Popeye and, by extension, the forgotten veterans of the Merchant Marine, who had a higher rate of casualties during World War II of than any other service.

Marvin, 5/30/21

Speaking of stolen valor, I think it’s important that names like “M.U.T.T.” only be used for robot dogs, with the initials standing for “Multipurpose Unified Technological Terrier” or something like that. Insult Bitsy without treading on the prerogatives of the noble cyber-dogs, Marvin!

Dick Tracy, 5/30/21

“Oh, man, that sounds like white collar crime, which I definitely don’t care about. Next you’re gonna ask me to do something about wage theft! Ha ha, go call some lib who cares!”