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Getting off to a slightly slow start today but here, my friends, is your comment of the week!

“I’m confused that the words on the cards are not only secular but seem to also have nothing to do with anything happening in December. ‘Hi’? ‘Greetings’? What else is in the box — ‘How’s It Going’? ‘What Up’? ‘Do You Have The Time’?” –jenna

And your extremely funny runners up!

“Mint is an aggressive plant that will take over your yard if you’re not careful. Maybe that was Mark and Cherry’s plan all along? The writing business is in worse shape than ever, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re being sponsored by Big Julep.” –BigTed

“The Newnited States government, in attempts to educate their most illiterate communities, have been injecting PBS style lessons into local news and radio broadcasts in far flung areas like Hootin’ Holler. While this same programming managed to boost science and math scores in many struggling urban schools, it’s never really taken root in the proud region of Hootin’ Holler, where throbbing pain in joints from old injuries are held up as most accurate predictors of changes in the weather.” –Philip

“Big Daddy Keane is not happy about being outed as these kids’ father. There was at least some plausible deniability before — he could have been their uncle, or handler of some kind.” –pugfuggly

“I feel like we’re sleeping on the background characters here. There’s the store detective, who’s been alerted that there’s a cartoonist in the building, and the social worker from Child Protective Services, who’s picked up a sweater for her husband while she’s here, but who is monitoring the little melonhead very, very carefully nonetheless. A tense game of cat-and-mouse begins!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Jared, having decided that his vast repository of mansplainable material is wasted on just one woman, is assembling a harem.” –MKay

“Presumably Dawn is going on about a dumb phone call from Jared because, while Cathy’s family takes her skiing at Christmas, Dawn’s dad ditches her and goes to Cancun by himself. Sad on so many levels.” –Twinkles the Elf

“How did you reply? I need to know because I’m desperately trying to learn the patterns of contemporary human speech, but my generative programming has only been able to use 18th century novels as a training set.” –But What Do I Know?

“It’s one thing to kill an animal on camera, but making the corpse participate in some memeable dance is taking it to another level.” –taig

“Or, ‘I assume this was made by Elon Musk — at The Boring Company.’” –Anonymous

“Not sure when Trixie started anthropomorphizing the sun as an elderly person, but it’s probably better than if she assumed it was a weakening god that needed to be fed the sacrificial blood of thousands of slaves to regain its strength.” –jroggs

“Sorry, Margaret. That’s not Santa. That’s Sam the Snowman from the 1964 beloved TV classic Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer … which is, you know … fine if you want a Burl Ives anthology record and some cigars for Christmas … which actually might be something an eighty year-old child might want as opposed to dolls or whatever Santa would bring, so nevermind … you text that letter to Sam, girl.” –Old Man Shadow

“Looking at Gertie’s expression, I think it may actually be good that her fixation is on NASCAR. She could have become a costly hypochondriac or an animal hoarder or someone who files lawsuits against all her neighbors.” –Poteet

“A squirt of Heinz on your Toll House cookie is the latest thing in elite culinary circles. Stir a spoonful of Dijon mustard into your coffee for an extra kick.” –Ukulele Ike

“Lack of aphrodisiacs in her diet or diminished libido due to oxidative stress caused by that factory in the background? You know, environmental exposure to di-2-ethylhexyl phthalate is associated with low interest in sexual activity in certain women, leading to … um, I’m sorry, I was just reading today’s Arctic Circle and assumed climate disaster was the daily punchline with this strip as well.” –Her Father, John Darling

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Judge Parker, 12/20/24

Last night I had the pleasure of waiting for the bus next to a guy who was doing whip-its on the street corner, and when I say “had the pleasure,” I really mean it: he was amiable, charming, in good spirits, and endlessly amused by the funny things said whip-its were doing to his voice. Now obviously the act and the addiction are probably doing terrible things to his brain, and to society in general, but in the short term he seemed a lot happier than a lot of strung out or even sober people I’ve seen in public over the years. Anyway, I guess that can is in the middle of the table so that the Spencer clan, too genteel to do any drugs that don’t come in a martini glass, can add an adorable dollop of whipped cream to their hot cocoa, but they all look so happy that at first I wondered if a little whiff of nitrous had wiped away the typical Judge Parker pissyface, if only for a few moments.

Gasoline Alley, 12/20/24

Well, kids, I suppose we’ve learned a valuable lesson: artificial intelligence is a remarkable invention, but it’s still an experimental technology in its early stages and can make mistakes! For important work, you need to rely on something more traditional, something tried and true, tested by history: an awful demon, who was called forth from the aether by God as one of His angels but who was on the losing side of the Great War in Heaven that was fought and lost before time began, cast down with her Master into the fiery pit where she remained, seething, raging, seeking the souls of the innocent to warp and destroy and turn away from their Creator, finally learning how to inhabit the body of a children’s toy and walk the Earth, an abomination, a terror beyond comprehension. That’s who you want writing your report. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to write it.

Tina’s Groove, 12/20/24

Ha ha, Tina’s co-worker isn’t getting enough aphrodisiacs in her diet, ha! Also she’s very depressed, which frequently correlates to decreased libido. Every character in this strip is very depressed, so this tracks. Trust me on this, or just check out their facial expressions here. They always look like this!

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Dennis the Menace and Curtis, 12/19/24

Well, I guess yesterday’s Curtis is the start of an arc about how the kids today celebrate holidays differently, using technology, and I like that Greg’s exhausted facial expression tells us what he thinks about this but he still will only say philosophically that the only constant is change, all is vanity, etc., etc. Dennis the Menace put cyber-Christmas advocacy in the mouth of its most annoying character as well, but otherwise doesn’t outwardly condemn it. And if they won’t, I will. This is tacky and it sucks! Curtis, that app was a trick to get you to download cryptomining malware onto your phone, and Margaret, you are texting with a scammer in Southeast Asia who will convince you to send him your parents’ credit card and Social Security numbers by the end of the year.

Gearhead Gertie, 12/19/24

Speaking of celebrating Christmas differently, I’m not actually that interested in the fact that instead of enjoying classic modern-day Christmas tales Gertie would rather — surprise! — consume NASCAR-related content. I’m more curious about who the other two people on this couch are. Do Gertie and her increasingly alienated husband have [squints] a daughter and a grandson, or perhaps two grandchildren, and they’re staying together for their benefit? Or are these just two people they recruited off the street because they needed a “rule of three” setup for Gertie’s punchline? (Fun fact: Gertie thinks the “rule of three” is when Dale Earnhardt descends from heaven and implements his thousand-year kingdom on Earth).

Hi and Lois, 12/19/24

Remember: due to the oddnesses of comic-book time, we’ve been enjoying Trixie’s antics since the Eisenhower Administration, but she’s been alive for less than a year. This is the first time she’s ever experienced winter. She thinks Sunbeam, her only friend, is old and dying. Pretty bleak!