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Mary Worth, 6/24/21

Look, folks, some of you are getting a little riled up and need to have your expectations set properly, OK? First of all, there’s never going to be a Drew-Shauna-Ashlee threeway. It’s not going to happen. It’s Mary Worth! There isn’t even going to be a Drew-Shauna-Ashlee threeway in this psychedelic Drew dream sequence. I mean look at everyone’s facial expression in panel one. Does it look like sex is going to be had? It does not! If we’re lucky, though, this dream sequence is going to get hilariously metaphorical very quickly. Remember the boxing Wilburbabies? Of course you do. That’s the energy we deserve out of Drew’s dream. Is he going to be pulled in two, literally, as a metaphor? Let’s hope! Let’s hope it gets weird as hell!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/24/21

Welp, it looks like it’s the beginning of Sarah Morgan Is A Genius II: The Geniusing. And despite the fact that we could’ve had a juicy plagiarism storyline, everything’s going to be on the up and up, thanks to Buck acting as an intermediary. Remember before, when Sarah got acclaim and material rewards thanks to her patroness, an actual mob boss? Well, this time around it’ll be thanks to Buck, and scientists have yet to come up with a number that can capture how much of a downgrade that is.

Judge Parker, 6/24/21

If you want a vision of the future of Judge Parker, imagine a pissy human face yelling at its wife — forever.

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The Phantom, 6/23/21

I know the Phantom has seen a lot in his decades as a superhero (and, by proxy, in his 20 previous incarnations) and has therefore earned the right to be a little blasé about things that would make the rest of us quiver with terror. Still, I gotta say that his facial expression in today’s strip is a little less a blind seer telling him “YOU DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE, O GHOST WHO WALKS” and a little more “gosh, I hadn’t considered bundling my home and auto insurance, thanks for the tip.”

Beetle Bailey, 6/23/21

Miss Buxley being Beetle’s girlfriend is a relatively recent development in this strip, and we’ve probably all thought that he doesn’t deserve her, but seeing that she’s wandered out into a field, wearing heels, in an attempt to keep Beetle from practicing a fairly important skill for a soldier, it’s pretty clear he really doesn’t deserve her and actually she might be somewhat misguided.

Family Circus, 6/23/21

He may not be the most skilled, but one of these tries he’s going to hit it and everyone will finally be able to wrap this up and go back inside. (I’m talking about Big Daddy Keane hitting Jeffy’s head, of course. Look how close he came! I believe in you, Bil, you can do it next time!)

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/22/21

Look, I thought we had a consensus here: Cartoonists draw the people and animals in their strips in all sorts of whimsical, silly ways that look funny on paper and we think it’s cute, even though if we actually saw a being in the flesh with those proportions, we’d recoil in horror and disgust. But when the actual cartoon character acknowledges his freakish, unnatural form, it quite frankly breaks the spell and forces us to imagine these nightmare beings. Like, can you imagine a horse with no neck? Horses are all neck! Their long, muscular necks are one of the defining features of their body plan! But try visualizing a horse — not a cute cartoon horse, but a real flesh-and-blood thoroughbred — with its head just jammed onto its shoulders. What a nightmare, right? It’s real sick shit, and I’m mad at Barney Google and Snuffy Smith just for making me think about it.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 6/22/21

You know some real sick shit I’m not mad thinking about? Mother Goose (specifically the title character from the popular syndicated newspaper strip Mother Goose and Grimm, to be clear, not just the generic folklore character) down at the blood bank, just wheeze-coughing into blood bags while the nurses there desperately try to get her to stop. Call me mercurial, I guess, but that’s the sort of thing I sincerely enjoy!

Crankshaft, 6/22/21

Another thing I’m enjoying today is Crankshaft’s emotional journey in this strip. “Christmas? In June?” he seems to be thinking in panel two. “Did they move it? Is nothing sacred now that the damn libs are in charge again?” But then in panel three, he’s like, “Ohh, I get it now. It’s wordplay! I love wordplay!”

Important correction to yesterday’s Mary Worth post: When Shauna said that she was working at Santa Roymart, I assumed this was the supermarket where Tommy and Brandy also worked. In fact, as several faithful readers pointed out, those two work at Freda’s, Santa Royale’s upscale market with a personal touch. Santa Roymart is a big box store where Tommy refused to work, possibly because it was the scene of a botched drug raid. Is Shauna in league with the drug dealers who use Santa Roymart’s warehouse as their HQ? Keep reading this blog to find out!