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So ... okay, Brad's using his left hand to wash Toni's right shoulder. That makes sense. And Toni's using her left hand to ... wash Brad's left shoulder. With a second bar of exactly-the-same-size soap that's in there for some reason. Picture this (I'm sorry). Really picture this (I'm so sorry). Imagine (I'M SORRY OKAY) reaching all the way across your body to wash what is almost certainly the least dirty place on your partner's body and then transitioning, somehow, into making out. Toni almost certainly elbowed Brad in the chin before she -- okay, you know what, I'm gonna stop right there; no no, don't get up, I'll arrest myself.

—els
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Breaking Ed

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/18/22

We talk a lot about Rex’s permanent state of misanthropy, but we don’t really talk about the damage his refusal to engage with his fellow human beings more than absolutely necessary does to his psyche. For instance, can you imagine seeing some truly surprising item on the evening news and the only person you can think of to reach out to about it is Buck? Who you know is going to go deep into comic book bullshit about it? Truly harrowing.

Crankshaft, 4/18/22

Wow, when Crankshaft’s marijuana grow operation causes a massive fire, I bet all those firefighters who have to come out for his grill explosions twelve times a summer are going to be thrilled to see him arrested.

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Seriously, how does she chew

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/17/22

If you went back from the Funkypresent to the Funkypast with a medically minded mission, you would probably tell young Lisa to get frequent breast cancer screenings and also to make sure all her providers triple-check the paperwork on her tests, because you’re a damn sentimentalist. Me? I’d be doing some research on what happened to all the Funkyverse’s kids’ skulls during their young adulthood. Seriously, look at teen Lisa! She has no chin to speak of! Young adult Lisa? A small but distinctly pointy little chin! Maybe she got one of those chin implants in the ’80s that turned out to be carcinogenic?

Shoe, 4/17/22

Just a reminder that while the bird-world of Shoe may be similar to ours in matters of religion, its employment landscape is very different. For instance, in this universe, the government as an entire agency dedicated to creating terrible puns that annoy everyone, funded by bird tax dollars! Honestly, this is the world I want to live in, I don’t care if I have to walk carefully along tree limbs to get anywhere, just get me one of those sweet, sweet punemployment jobs with a good punsion.

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The kids today are into overly complex insulting rejections, so that tracks

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Dustin, 4/16/22

Look, I’m not saying there shouldn’t be a comic strip that makes fun of young people who move back in with their parents. We already have strips that make fun of the army, old minor league baseball pitchers who never make the big leagues and end up driving a school bus for a living well past retirement age, and vikings. I’m just saying that if you’re going to write a comic strip strip that makes fun of young people who move back in with their parents, you should have some idea of how young people operate in the world, or at least an editor willing to send you notes like “Young people in the year 2022 do not as a rule wear suits on first dates, particularly on dates where a venue has not been decided on in advance.”

Rhymes With Orange, 4/16/22

It’s Holy Saturday, folks, and your friends at Rhymes With Orange are to remind you not to jerk off onto the Easter eggs, no matter how much you want to.