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Well, pretty much all the newspaper comics have caught up with social distancing, personal protective equipment, and the whole shebang. No more escape from reality for us!

Six Chix 9/12/20

In this Slylock Fox prequel, it is only the animals’ disciplined hygiene that protects them against the plague that wipes out careless, inconsiderate humanity.

Zits 9/12/20

It’s ironic: the cheerleaders conceal their hotness to ensure that only the hot survive. Also, those outfits look hot, though not in a hot way.

Sherman’s Lagoon 9/12/20

Too grim? Then let’s all come together as a nation to tell this chirpy usurper that the one and only NOAA mascot is always and forever Mark Trail.

Funky Winkerbean 9/12/20

Nah, he’s still right behind you.

Phantom, 9/12/20

Charles Darwin once inferred the existence of a moth with an 11-inch proboscis from an orchid with an 11-inch nectary. By that same principle of complementarity, I infer that the 22^nd Phantom will be [trumpets] Heloise Walker. Well that and the fact that I’ve been ‘shipping her for this for fourteen years.

A legendary hero/ine must have a nemesis, and Kadia Sahara is clearly emerging as Heloise’s. Kadia has:

• Terrorist DNA from her father, Eric THE NOMAD Sahara.
• Profound Daddy issues — Eric tried to murder Heloise, her college BFF/roomie.
• A complex backstory and relationship with the hero/ine — Heloise is Kadia’s BFF, but beat up her Dad and put him in Gitmo.
• As Imara announces here, Kadia now has access to global resources and connections that allow her to usurp her father’s role and carry out his mission

A couple of details need to be worked out, not least of which is there are now TWO terrorist masterminds imprisoned by the Walkers: Chatu in Wambesiland and Eric THE NOMAD in Gitmo. But it’s easily resolved: The Elder Phantom frees them both to “let them settle it” or some such nonsense; they fight it out for control of the organization; Chatu wins (have you SEEN that guy?); Kadia sneaks up and kills him in her supervillainess-defining moment, and takes over. Then Kadia knocks off Elder Phantom, Heloise swears a blood oath, young Kit takes another bong hit, yadda yadda yadda. All hail Kadia, THE NEWMAD.

An earlier, incomplete version of this post appeared early yesterday morning because I scheduled it to the wrong date. That’s right, I literally forgot about 9/11.

— Uncle Lumpy, America’s Worst American

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Six Chix, 9/11/20

Hmm. Is this a “guys don’t do dishes” joke? Is Blondie there a guy? Are these two in fact pretentious artists, and that’s a legit installation? If so, what’s the joke? Are the flies in on it? Hey, that lady’s wearing a beret! Maybe these are pretentious French artists washing down the last of their beautifully-prepared meal with a well-chosen wine, but they can’t be bothered to clean up or even bathe?

Funky Winkerbean 9/11/20

This is one of those conversations where the participants aren’t so much listening to one another as waiting for their own turn to talk. Or, in Funky’s case, whine. It’s not clear why a guy who avoids exercise and is a notorious jerk at the gym expects a medal, but hey, these guys.

And have you ever wondered why we don’t ever see Les Moore smile — I mean not just squeeze out one of those little sideways triangular smirky moue things, but really smile? Well now we know.

Mark Trail, 9/11/20

I’ll admit to being a real sissy when it comes to child- or animal-in-danger movies, stories, you name it. I’m glad this strip is a rerun because that way I know Andy will make it, and I won’t have to avert my eyes or even leave the theater the way I had to back when there were movies. On the other hand, I could watch “Mark runs briskly in place” all day long.

Mary Worth 9/11/20

Greta watches them approach. Yes, he’s “a big one,” all right — they both are, and their matching neckwear tells her all she needs to know. About Saul’s neediness, and her own role as bait in this sick charade.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Dennis the Menace, 9/10/20

Well to be honest does anybody actually read Blondie, 9 Chickweed Lane, or Judge Parker?

Judge Parker, 9/10/20

Oops, I guess somebody does! Ahem so it looks like Ronnie Huerta is headed back to L.A. without Neddy, who has rediscovered the charms of room and board on Abby’s dime in rustic Cavelton. But I’m torn. On the one hand, Ronnie was the sassy gf who called Neddy on her copious B.S. — an endless, unpleasant, and valuable public service. But on the other, she’s one of a class of characters in Judge Parker and Sally Forth who daily undermine, hijack, or derail everything the main characters say. You never really finish a conversation with her, Norton, Toni Bowen, Sally’s team at the office, or Ted Forth without them steering it off into some metanarrative, stunt, non sequitur, distraction, hallucination, or wisecrack. Look, she’s doing it right up there! It’s annoying, and it mucks up the pace, which in the case of Judge Parker is legendarily slow to begin with.

So c’mon, Ronnie! Let Neddy gush about Cavelton for a few insincere minutes before you shut her down and hug it out. It’s probably the last thing you’ll do before you flicker out of existence forever, so make it a good one! Say hi to Aria, Chad Duncan, and the Thorp kids!

Gasoline Alley, 9/10/20

Idiot rustics attempt some extremely low-stakes con, part XXVII.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/10/20

With any luck, your corpse will be Board certified!

— Uncle Lumpy