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What’s that, you say? Another in a continuing series of Josh’s beloved live comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, is happening THIS VERY POST-HALLOWEEN EVE, TONIGHT? Yes, a thousand times yes!

Here’s the Facebook event! We’re gonna be talking about male Insta Inspo, game dev drama, how the Holocaust stacks up against popular tourist destinations, and more!

And now: your comment … of the week!

“‘YESSS!!!’ Dagwood screams, lunging forward as Dithers inadvertently stands himself in the exact right spot at the window, directly above the food truck’s open sunroof. A few minutes later, Dagwood will be biting into a sandwich of the forbidden meat, the one meat those pesky regulations had stopped him from eating, as the office staff start wondering where their boss has gone.” –Schroduck

And your very funny runners up!

“It looks like some charitable organization dropped off a few used toys for the kids who get locked out of the house while Daddy watches his program. The one standing in the middle of the lawn with a skateboard is going to be quite delighted if he ever figures out what it’s really used for.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I see Jeffy’s the only one concerned enough about his health to bother wearing a woolen hat on this brisk autumn day. No seasonal head colds for him. God, can you imagine having a head cold with a noggin that size?” –Joe Blevins

“The lack of an Oxford comma is the plugger-specific content.” –Mark Jackson

“Maybe we’re finished with the section on how pluggers are different from us, and are now considering the ways they are alike and face the same problems. I don’t know how to feel about moving on without noting the very important difference that they are actually bears, dogs, chickens, kangaroos, and so on. Maybe they’re saving that for a third section, on how these different varieties coexist and reproduce? You will have to watch out for that! I’ll be reading anything else.” –pachoo

“‘I can’t imagine what she thinks when she compares me to him.’ Due to a weird angle in the drawing, it looks like Wilbur is smiling in real life, but frowning in the reflection. I like to think that Wilbur is feigning confidence and optimism — ‘how could he compare to me, a man of experience and refined taste!’ — but his subconscious is like, ‘I can’t imagine what she thinks when comparing us because if I actually thought about it I would lose the last fragment of my will to live.’” –Ettorre

“Every time Wilbur refers to Zak it’s ‘stud‘ or ‘boytoy’ or something else explicitly sexual, which at first I thought was a deliberate attempt to be hurtful towards Iris, but now we see he’s still doing it privately in his own thoughts. It’s the ‘not sure if you should feel contempt or pity for this guy but I suppose you can do both’ Wilbur Weston sweet spot.” –Dan

“She knows the routine. Every day, as soon as she walks in the door, he feeds her a spoonful of the magical potion that makes her forget everything she saw in the outside world. Pomeranians, Halloween costumes, husbands who aren’t assholes… everything. And he’s safe again, until tomorrow.” –Peanut Gallery

“Potato chips, peanut butter, The MacAllan 12: yep, the bachelor math checks out.” –pastordan

“I’m not exactly sure why Mr. Wilson’s Dennis cosplay horrified me so much this morning. Maybe it’s Mr. Wilson’s weird obsession with the neighbor boy. Maybe I’m still groggy from sleep. Or maybe it’s because it comes right out and says that Dennis never changes his clothes, everyone knows it, and no one dares talk about it.” –Larry McAwful

“So … we’re not going to see Chance punching Chet’s bearded face like a high school Mark Trail? Then what’s the point?” –TheDiva

“Chance refers to his emotional outbursts as ‘Mr. Blowtop’ while the wind BLOWS through the hair on TOP of their heads. That’s … that’s not how symbolism or allusion works. That’s not how any of this works.” –Brad

“I like how the middle lady is checking her phone in the last panel. The BFF contract is not just some turn of phrase, it’s something that these three hammered out with a lawyer before cementing their friendship. They keep a PDF version on their phones just to refer to every time there is request for transactional kindness. ‘A pick up at the airport? Let’s see… 16 BFF § 5p clearly states that this is valid on weekends and holidays but that weeknight requests are to be abrought to the council…’” –pugfuggly

“‘You should try this new cereal.’ ‘I guess so. It’s kind of weird that I got an empty bowl and brought it over to the table otherwise.’” –jroggs

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Pajama Diaries, 11/1/19

Ha ha, remember when an innocent discussion with her daughter about social media profile pics led to Pajama Diaries Mom Whose Name I Forget chattily bringing up the constant intrusive thoughts she has about her imminent kidnapping? Well, tonight, when she’s just out having some fun drinking wine with her gal pals, she talks about how one extremely normal recurring worry she has is that for some reason in the future she’ll be in a coma indefinitely, technically alive but insensate and trapped in an interminable kind of living death, yet still subject to the crushing demands that the patriarchy makes on women’s personal appearance. Imagine your mind trapped in a useless husk of a body, screaming endlessly but silently because you think the doctors who occasionally stop by your room to change your feeding tube will think “gee, this one has really let herself go”! They say people want to see representation of others like them in the media, but as a guy with anxiety, this all just makes me increasingly uncomfortable and I’d honestly rather not!

Hagar the Horrible, 11/1/19

I was going to point out that taking a dog for a walk for “exercise” is generally a euphemism for getting him out of the house so he can pee, but then I remembered Hagar is a uncultured Viking living in a tiny dirt-floored hut in rural Norway. He probably pees on the floor himself if it’s cold out!

Gil Thorp, 11/1/19

Oh wow, it turns out Chance only threw scissors at another kid because he hates injustice so much. C’MON MAN. I’ve now totally revised my opinion on this plot, Chet is absolutely right to air as much of Chance’s dirty laundry as possible to put this self-righteous jerk in his place and get his stepson that starting RB job.

Dustin, 11/1/19

“Like, I don’t want cereal that helps me poop! I want cereal that I want to fuck.”

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Marvin, 10/31/19

Marvin’s been doing some pretty run-of-the-mill costume party antics this week, not even up to its usual levels of diaper-shitting humor, but it’s pretty weird that the late October party that features the characters dressed up in various disguises has been consistently referred to as … “Octoberfest”? Is there some constituency out there that would be offended by printing the word “Halloween” in a newspaper comic? Who exactly is King Features afraid of: fundamentalist Christians who are tired of the Devil’s holiday getting good press in the liberal media, or neo-pagans outraged about cultural appropriation of their Samhain celebrations — or both, working in a literally unholy alliance? All I know is that a party called “Octoberfest” should feature revelers drinking out of enormous steins of beer, and if you’re about to say, “Josh, don’t be silly, babies don’t drink beer,” I’d like to point out that they don’t crack wise about each other’s costumes with heavy-lidded, cynical facial expressions either, and yet here we are.

Gil Thorp, 10/31/19

OK, yeah, the “big reveal” is that Chance had a lot of emotional problems as a kid, blah blah blah, he’s worked through them with therapy and a lot of love and a cutesy nickname for his demonic anger, etc. etc. etc., but let’s just pause to acknowledge how empathetic yet masculine Gil looks in today’s final panel, shall we? His face carefully composed to demonstrate that he’s really listening to what Chance is saying, his slightly shaggy hair rustled by the fall breeze, he’s the positive male role model Chance never had, except I guess his grandfather and maybe his father, who we haven’t really heard anything about one way or the other. “God damn,” Gil thinks to himself as Chance gives a heartfelt explanation of why school board officials probably shouldn’t be going on fishing expeditions through kids’ disciplinary records, “I’m awesome.”