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Mary Worth, 1/7/2020

Ah, I think we’re about to learn this storyline’s valuable lesson: it’s very important that you not go to some doctor for normals and poors who accepts your cut-rate health insurance, because he’s just going to diagnose you with old. No, you need to go to Dr. Howard, whose fees only dot-com millionaires can afford, and who can pump you full of teenager blood to reverse the aging process, or at least offer you the array of modern cosmetic enhancement procedures that allow, say, Tom Cruise and Paul Rudd to be believable leading men despite being older than Wilford Brimley was when he starred in Cocoon.

Dennis the Menace, 1/7/2020

Dennis is breaking the fourth wall in a quite menacing fashion here. What is he going to do with Margaret that he doesn’t want us to see? I mean, probably just being a sullen dick to her while she attempts to have a civilized friendship with him, I guess, which quite frankly we’ve seen enough of.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/7/2020

PANEL ONE: Aunt Hildy oversteps her bounds, in a friendly but potentially irritating way!

PANEL TWO: June sets a firm boundary, while taking care to acknowledge the good intentions behind Aunt Hildy’s offer!

PANEL THREE: Aunt Hildy acknowledges and accepts the boundary June sets, as the reasons given for it make good sense! This is the sort of roller coaster of drama that we’ve come to expect from this strip, and I for one am exhausted.

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Mark Trail, 1/6/20

Hey, Mark, I just want to point out that you’re on an expedition through the Nepalese foothills of the Himalayas, something that most people would consider the trip of a lifetime, and not only are all your expenses being taken care of but you’re earning your salary by being there. And all you have to do in return is write an article about it; if you actually do find a yeti, it will be the story of the century, of course, and if you don’t, well, there are all sorts of angles you can take about your weird trip with an obsessive, larger-than-life personality that will both entertain readers and allow you to work out any feelings you have about Dr. Camel. My point is, maybe you don’t have to act like such a giant pissy baby at all times? Just a thought.

Slylock Fox, 1/6/20

I really feel sorry for the kids in this strip, not just because they have arrived with big, eager smiles at Career Day to learn about some potential job possibilities only to be fed a bunch of patented Slylock useless-fun-fact bullshit, but also in a larger sense because the Animal Kingdom that they inhabit seems to have an entirely pedantry-based economy, and their post-graduation career prospects are extremely gloomy, as the entire society is probably already overdue for a collapse.

Pluggers, 1/6/20

These are this plugger’s last words because he had a massive coronary later that afternoon. “Famous” is probably a strong word, but when his wife and their friend finally connected and heard about the last phone call he took, they had a good chuckle about it, anyway.

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Shoe, 1/5/20

I’m not sure what, exactly, this strip implies about the world in which Shoe takes place. Do the characters live in a parallel bird-dimension whose history echoes ours in many ways, with bird-Nixon and bird-Coolidge occupying at various points in the 20th century this universe’s equivalent of the White House, which I assume is perched precariously in a tree? Or are we meant to understand that the birds have been watching us for decades, with intellects intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, noting the coming and going of our human leaders, waiting for the right time to strike, to wipe us all out and take our comfy sweaters for their own?

The Phantom, 1/5/20

“See, Heloise, our line of shadowy puppetmasters, who kept native people under their sway via manipulation and fear, and who meticulously maintained their pure European bloodline despite living in Africa for centuries, were actually anti-colonialists. We’re the good guys!”

“Hmm, so why is it that European powers managed to colonize Africa anyway? Did our ancestors collab–”

“DON’T DECIDE YET, HELOISE, LET’S MOVE ON”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/5/20

Ha ha, it’s Aunt Hildy, June’s meddling, troublesome distant relative! What mischief is she getting into today? Why she’s … keeping the kids busy while Rex and June sleep in and helping make breakfast for everyone? Wow, can’t wait to see what kooky antics she gets into next!