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Gil Thorp, 8/26/19

Four months later …

“Thanks, Marty — and I have to say, the Mudlarks really earned this championship! The season started rough when Sam Finn came back sick from his volunteer work in rural Haiti, but once he got out of the hospital his enthusiasm infected the whole team. We lost our running game, but at the slower pace of play our offense was unstoppable — I’ve never seen such a single-minded, determined group of kids. And they kept reminding themselves to play smart by yelling ‘BRAAAAAINS’ in the huddle. It really threw their opponents off! Pius X tried a completely ineffective crucifix-and-garlic defense; they must’ve thought they were playing some other team. New Thayer’s Crossbow-T formation gave us a lot more trouble, but our guys ate into their line until they came around. Well, heading off to the team dinner — they say they have a surprise for me!”

9 Chickweed Lane and Baby Blues, 8/26/19

Amos and Edda haven’t figured out whether they’re going to approach her pregnancy with a) cutie-pie relationship twaddle, b) vomit jokes, or c) yet more sex. Darryl and Wanda know the drill.

Mark Trail, 8/26/19

I will be very happy if Mark’s next adventure is tracking down and punching out some anonymous troll who torments Rusty online, so long as it’s not me.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Spider-Man, 8/25/19

Fandoms and conspiracy theories (pretty much the same thing, IMHO) have this weird tendency to crystallize attention around characters that normies see as incidental. So while I’m dimly aware of the likes of Boba Fett, Jean Grey, Konstantin Kilimnik, and Comet Ping Pong, they’re the center of the universe for yarn-and-corkboard trufans WHO KNOW WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON!!11!

Gwen Stacy is one such secret nexus, I think? You can tell this is a flashback to the earliest days of the canon because Green Goblin’s the only Spider-Man nemesis drawn in a cartoony style; later ones are “realistic” types like Melvin the Mole Man, Electro, and — God help us — Clown-9. So “Gwen and Norman die” is an origin story and plot driver, like the Uncle Ben thing. Except it’s messed up: Harry is mad at Spidey because Norman accidentally killed himself. Spidey swore vengeance on Norman because his own botched rescue attempt killed Gwen (“killed in a fall” is an elegant circumlocution). Maybe after she hears all this, Black Widow will set Spidey and Hobgoblin straight and get them to shake hands, exchange secret identities, and maybe catch The Price Is Right on TV?

Crankshaft, 8/25/19

Humanity’s disordered nature inclines us all toward sin, but I try to give unpleasant people the benefit of the doubt, you know? If somebody seems unreasonably belligerent, say, I chalk it up to them having a bad day, a shaky start in life, or the inability to get past some old grievance. I figure nobody gets up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be a total asshole today, all day long.” But seriously, how else do you explain something like this?

Breaking Cat News, 8/25/19

It’s the long-awaited crossover event between Breaking Cat News and Marvin. At last, POOP IS EVERYWHERE!

— Uncle Lumpy

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So ends the Comics Curmudgeon 2019 Summer Fundraiser — Thank you for your generous support!

Six Chix, 8/24/19

Never mind joy, that blouse is sparking some serious anger. I’d love to know the backstory here: was the blouse a gift from an ex before a bitter breakup? A reminder of some humiliating public wardrobe malfunction? A hand-me-down from a hated elder sister? Or is she just feeling resentful at being pushed around by some weepy co-dependent rag? Jeez, lady, it hasn’t fit you in fifteen years!

Judge Parker, 8/24/19

First-time offender Alan Parker confessed, before any charges were filed, that he helped Norton here fake his own death. What is that, worst case maybe honest services fraud? But the judge in the case — a former colleague of Parker’s — denied his request for bail and threw him in the penitentiary until his trial. And now Norton plans to unwind all that by lying to the court that he made him do it?

Neddy wrote this, right? It’s a plot twist and we’re just reading her screenplay. Please?

Mark Trail, 8/24/19

Pluggers

Sally Forth, 8/24/19

Jackie wants to buy “Small Wonders,” her friend/boss Tasha’s vanity business. She hasn’t done the research. She hasn’t talked to the necessary people. She is still Sally’s lost little sister.

Jackie is the Fredo Corleone of Sally Forth, making Sally its Michael and Ted its … no no no, that won’t work at all; let me start over …

— Uncle Lumpy