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Dennis the Menace, 1/11/20

“Admittedly, it’s kind of weird bringing this up while we’re looking at a shelf that doesn’t include any nerf guns — that indeed doesn’t seem to include any toys manufactured in the last forty years at all. Just a bunch of old-timey toys not even in packaging! Almost like this art was drawn at some earlier date and then the caption was grafted onto it. Anyway, it’s a relief that we’re finally admitting that we don’t like spending time with our son and hope he spends as much time at our grumpy old neighbor’s as possible. Like, each of us knew the other one felt that way, but it feels good to say it out loud, you know?”

Judge Parker, 1/11/20

Hey, remember when Judge Parker Emeritus admitted to doing crimes on TV and then went to jail, but then just a few months later he got out, and I can’t even remember if it was because of more illegal skullduggery or just some dumb technicality, but anyway, now that everyone’s forgotten that unpleasantness, it looks like it’s time for Alan to take his place amongst the town’s rightful leaders again! I certainly hope he calls upon Horace, an old Parker family retainer who you may or may not remember (and really, why would you, why do I remember him, why is so much of my precious, limited brain space taken up by plot points from soap opera comic strips from the mid-’00s) as the guy who ran Randy Parker’s campaign for judge way back when. He was really hot on Randy marrying his fiance, who was the leader of a cult of some sort, which he failed to do, thus giving his opponent the opportunity to start a homophobic whisper campaign against him. Fortunately Horace was there to remind the Parker camp that their opponent’s wife was a drunk, and so Sam and Randy smugly watched her melt down at a press conference and then quietly seized the judgeship that Randy felt was rightly his. Anyway, I feel like Alan’s very public crime-doing will require a lot more dirty-election-tricks help than Randy’s possible homosexuality did, so I can’t wait to see the scorched-earth campaign that’s about to be unleashed.

Mark Trail, 1/11/20

God bless Mark Trail for being so pure of heart that even though he can’t stand Harvey Camel, he instinctively believes him to the point of having his mind utterly blown when Harvey says “oh, yeah, I definitely saw a yeti, by the way.” I certainly hope the next three weeks are taken up by Harvey telling a long, rambling story, along the lines of “one time a train full of drunken clowns derailed in the forest” and “one time a walrus wrecked a rental SUV by violently giving birth in it“, about that one time he just glimpsed a hairy bipedal cryptid loping through the Himalayan dusk.

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Folks, your first COTW of the ’20s coming in a moment, but first: don’t forget that Conor Lastowka and I will be putting on a special version of the Internet Read Aloud show at SF Sketchfest on Saturday, January 18, featuring Bill Corbett of MST3K/Rifftrax, Laser Malena-Webber of the Doubleclicks, standup Natasha Muse, and more!

Tickets are limited so buy some now!

And now, with that out of the way: it’s your long-awaited COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“You can tell he’s a millennial because he’s not wearing a tie with his suit at the restaurant.” –Kevin Keeney, on Facebook

Your runners up are also hilarious!

“Wait, Heloise is the Phantom’s daughter? The lady who gives me hints??” –ratnerstar

“‘But Dad, shouldn’t Khe Pandjang’s remains be returned to the homeland he fought so bravely for, instead of lying forgotten in a vault under the initials of what I assume is a colonialist approximation of his real name?’ ‘LOTS TO SEE LET’S MOVE ON’” –TheDiva

“I don’t know much of anything about raisin’ kids! Now, raisin adults? That’s somethin’ I figgered I could he’p with. Yep, back in the ’80-aughts, when I was a simple ol’ creative director at Foote, Cone & Belding SF, the California Raisin Advisory Board asked for a new commercial. I said make the little nippers sing! True story. Now, who wants some biscuits in hot milk?” –BigTed

“Maybe brain-teasers are just part of the Bildung a member of the animal elite is supposed to master, like poetry-writing for Chinese Mandarins: nice, useless, and signalling status. Slylock earns his living by holding ‘thinking outside the box’ seminars for Silicon Valley types.” –Ettorre

“Considering the glacial pacing of all stories in this strip, just what the hell is Mark’s big hurry? Is he worried about the parking fees he’s racking up at the local airport?” –Guillermo el chiclero

“What’s with the expression on the orange-hatted kid? Close up, I can’t decide if it is more ‘misery’ or ‘junior serial killer.’” –Cloudbuster

“In the background in Dennis the Menace, a child gleefully celebrates the return of the blue orb. Where has it been? What secrets will it whisper? The blue orb has seen things, child, and it knows things. Menacing things.” –Voshkod

“No, no, this is actually refreshing. Whenever Joey notices the fourth wall, he just cries and runs away.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“But if you want to get all analytical and ‘Monday morning quarterback’ about it, the main reason those other expeditions failed is that they didn’t find him.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I think ‘party members kept questioning the doctor and so were murdered before the expedition could get results’ is being strongly implied as an additional reason.” –pachoo

“For a second there, I thought Vitamin had taken serious liberties with his revival of West Side Story.” –Joe Blevins

“Much like everyone else in this strip, Tildy is not a character and will never be one.” –Noel

“I think the product placement for Ensure really crosses the line.” –Dennis Jimenez

“You will note, Watson, the gray splashes of mud on Miss Fifi’s paws. It is the distinct shade of gray found in the clay soil at Toad Hop and nowhere else in the vicinity. When it comes to soil, there are far more than 50 shades of gray — I have written a monograph on the topic of some small repute. Note also, the splashes are still wet, testifying that she has here directly from there. This means she could not have been in Gnaw Bone at the time of the murder. Now, Miss Fifi, give us your story. It will go better with you if you come clean.” –erdmann

Remember, if you want to buy ads on this site and get a shoutout in these metaposts, head on over to my BuySellAds page! If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Six Chix, 1/10/20

Folks, I’m honestly impressed by how much “a lot going on here” this relatively sparsely drawn Six Chix packs in today. Let’s start with all the ways in which the ostensible “joke” doesn’t actually work: the term “red-handed” is a reference to a murderer being caught with literal blood on their hands, not a reference to the color of human hands themself, most of which are not what you’d call “red”; nevertheless, I guess the punchline here is supposed to be that gray poodles tend to have gray paws, which is severely undermined by the colorist’s choice to make the arrested poodle yellow. Unless there’s some kind of … gray evidence of crime that dogs are known for? Pretty sure dogs don’t have gray blood, though I admit I’m not a scientist or anything. Anyway, I feel bad because all this distracts from what I think is the real horror here: it’s normal for animals to not wear clothes, and it’s fine if your anthropomorphized animals wear clothes, but if you have an animal wearing only a hat and a police badge, I’m going to imagine him as functionally equivalent to a naked person wearing only a hat and a police badge, and honestly the way this dog’s tongue is hanging out and his tail is wagging really isn’t helping with the whole vibe.

Crock, 1/10/20

Speaking of colorist errors, I kind of like that whoever was coloring today’s Crock decided “look, Crock takes place in the desert, we always make the ground bright yellow sand, and I’ll be damned if I figure out what the inside of a salt mine looks like, you hear me? I’m not Google image searching this shit, life is far too short!”

Marvin, 1/10/20

Gotta give credit where it’s due: could you spend the last 38 years, as the comic strip Marvin has, coming up with increasingly weird and off-putting scenarios in which the title character makes eye contact with one or both parents while shitting? I’ll bet you couldn’t. I’ll bet you don’t have the stamina.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/10/20

Whoops, looks like in addition to having a big personality and a tendency to show up unannounced, Aunt Tildy is … a comical drunk? More on the exasperated facial expressions Rex makes about this as events warrant.

Mary Worth, 1/10/20

“Please, doctor! I’m literally melting from panel to panel! Test that thyroid and test it now, with all your might!”