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Funky Winkerbean, 3/31/19

Hey, how’s it going with Funky’s mother-in-law moving in with him and Holly? Well, it’s been, what, two weeks, and already he’s hoping she’s gonna die of a pill overdose on the toilet.

Mary Worth, 3/31/19

Folks, take it from me, a guy who spends way too much time hanging out alone with, and talking to, cats: when you try to convince your cat that you’re making the right decision, you know in your heart you aren’t making the right decision.

Panels from Beetle Bailey, 3/31/19

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, it will come as no surprise to you that I’m the kind of guy who would read these throwaway panels in Sunday’s Beetle Bailey and wonder, “Say, can you stream old Lassie episodes?” Turns out you can’t! So that means I have to smugly give these panels “four pinocchios,” in the parlance of our fact-checking press. Unless … there’s a special Dogflix service that provides streaming dog-related content, and it’s only available to dogs? This is a mystery I will now dedicate my entire energy to cracking!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/19

I’m not sure which I find more disturbing: the physical configuration of Snuffy’s body, which appears to be lazily half-flopping off the bed as he refuses to put even the least bit of effort into maintaining his dignity, or the topography of the Smif property, which is now revealed to be riven by one of Hootin’ Holler’s innumerable chasms. At least we now have an explanation of why Loweezy is willing to stand for so long by the mailbox, waiting for missives from the outside world to arrive.

Judge Parker, 3/30/19

Oh, hey, it turns out the reason Marie’s husband Roy faked his death is that he was deep in debt to the mob — like, $1.3 million dollars deep — and now they’re gonna come after Marie! Of course, the Parker-Drivers are famous for writing large checks to make problems go away for the family, but Marie’s not exactly family, is she? So, who do we think the “people” Sam knows are who he’s going to foist Marie off onto? I’m guessing it’s the big shot Hollywood agent who he connected with the rural marijuana farmer back in 2012. Hope that mineshaft is still climate controlled!

Zits, 3/30/19

I know this supposed to be “the newspaper comics poking fun at itself,” but I dearly hope it’s actually presaging a vicious feud on the funny pages. Watch out, 90-year-old legacy strips! Young whippersnappers that have only been on the comics pages for a mere 20 years — the blink of an eye, really — are coming for you!

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It’s about to be the first Friday of the month, folks, and you know what that means: you should come see my live LA comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, one week from TONIGHT!

Here’s the Facebook event! I promise you will regret nothing!

You definitely won’t regret reading this comment of the week:

“Also coincidentally, The Troublemaker’s Twin was a series of books for older children about a polite, rules-following boy who was often mistaken for his mischievous look-alike brother, resulting in hilariously sticky situations. They were based on real-life brothers, one of whom, shockingly, grew up to be a serial killer who mostly struck on airplanes. Which one was it? That’s something for them to know and Rex to find out.” –BigTed

Nor will you regret enjoying these hilarious runners up!

“I find the use of an Edgar Allan Poe quote here ominous. Somebody’s not making it out of this story alive.” –Noel

“He seems nice. And the ripped upholstery shows that he really does like cats!” –seismic-2

“Dick Tracy’s police state dystopia may have brutally crushed the unions, but there’s always a loophole. The teachers can’t go on strike, but their pets can. Rise up, hamsters and gerbils of the classroom! You have nothing to lose but your leashes!” –Schroduck

“I can believe a lot of things, Dick Tracy, but there’s no way in hell I can suspend my disbelief far enough to believe that a sports columnist for a newspaper lives in an apartment that large in Chicago.” –Dread

“Also: Facebook? Is Michelle supposed to be Curtis’ aunt?” –Joe Blevins

“I would argue that the ‘worst part‘ is the murdering.” –A Concerned Reader

“In the last panel, Mohawk Guy is reflecting on that time someone asked him what he was doing this weekend and he said ‘Just family stuff.’ He is marveling at what a perfect response that was, how it satisfyingly answered the question. ‘That explains things,’ indeed!” –Jenna

“Snuffy looks down on other West Virginians wanting to keep their coal jobs, since coal is too modern and innovative! Fight to keep our charcoal jobs!” –Ettorre

“Even though basketball season just ended, I’m staying in condition. Watch me dribble this hamburger!” –seismic-2

“I assume everyone is smiling in this strip because no-one can hear Dennis. More cymbals! I can still make out the upper register of his voice!” –pugfuggly

“I like that JT is supposed to be the ‘good twin’ and all we know about his alleged moral superiority is that he talks endless amounts of shit about his brother with strangers. TJ was an abrasive lout, but he never once defamed his family.” –jroggs

“My two boys … my two boys … Could they be twins? I’m not sure. Let me think back on my medical training. Twins are … born at the same time, right? I think we only got the one when June went into labor. Did we get two? It was a while ago; I don’t remember. We could’ve gotten two and given one away, right? And maybe we wound up adopting him. That could happen. What a wild story that would make! But if you put one up for adoption, are they not twins anymore? Maybe that’s what makes them stop being identical twins, and turns them into fraternal twins? It’s all kind of hazy. I’ll check Gray’s Anatomy when I get home and see if that’s got any answers. I’m sure glad I have medical training. Twins! What a crazy thing, huh?” –Larry McAwful

“JT’s eyes are exactly the same colour as his moustache. No way is he the good twin.” –Mantha

“‘Picasso’s style isn’t Abstraction, it’s Cubism!’ Halftrack yells as he thrusts Beetle’s head through the canvas.” –Lee Sherman

“Is that Beetle’s beret? His hair? Do the two somehow combine to make an inside-the-helmet helmet? This is the real abstraction. Well played Browne-Walker, Inc.!” –Bobby Sneakers

“Ah, hell. Ditto’s got the rabies, he’s foamin’ at the mouth. Time to put Young Yeller down, Chip.” –Voshkod

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