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It’s been a while, what with my blogcation a couple weeks ago, but it’s time to crown a new comment of the week, at long last:

“You know the old joke: How do porcupines have sex? Not carefully enough, apparently!” –BigTed

These runners up are also worthy of your time!

“Sam & Silo takes the odd position that justice is neither what people deserve nor want, but rather what they expect. So take that, pessimists! You were right about this much: God is out to wreck you personally.” –pachoo

“Safe sex? Why should Funky’s dad care if it’s safe or dangerous? He’s going to die of something any minute. It might as well be sex.” –White Rabbit

“Love the goth Christmas tree in Funky Winkerbean. The darkest green tree they could find, to remind you of the inky blackness that awaits you. The stark white lighting, to remind you of the institutional setting you’re going to die in. The grey trimming, made from the hair the dying once treasured, shorn from them as a final indignity before death. Merry Funkmas!” –Voshkod

“Again with the square balloon? Is the twist that Libby has been the narrator all along and she has narrated these last eighty years to prove that Mary was a horrible person and that’s why she abandoned her? Because we got the gist many decades ago.” –Ettore

“Which one of these creatures can see in complete darkness? Answer — The fish skeleton. Though its physical eyeballs have long since surrendered to decay, its trapped, haunted soul remains restless within those bones, its unblinking eye sockets forever forced to stare at the nightmarish beings that creep on the blackest edges of our reality.” –Schroduck

“Someone poached Rhino-man’s chin.” –nescio

“Thank you Slylock for the vivid imagery of a duck greedily sucking down link after link of raw trashcan sausage. The stillness of the night broken only by the sound of its toothless beak mashing processed meat into greasy paste.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Joe has it figured out. Since Kelly is obviously the person who’s been giving Kaz the film titles to drop into his conversation, she’s obviously also the person who gives him the questions and answers for his World Geography quizzes. ‘I’m interested in Italy, but Machu Picchu sounds interesting, too! Do you happen to know much about it?’” –seismic-2

“I continue not to understand why ‘I’ll tell Pitchblende about the money Miller put in trust with us, but I’ll pretend I need to continue to hold it, and delay paying his bills out of it as much as possible’ is a better plan than ‘I won’t tell Pitchblende about the money, and just keep already having it with no-one being any the wiser.’” –Hoarce Boon

“This whole plotline has been a missed opportunity to have Mary stroking a cat menacingly as she gives advice. Advice you would do well to take, if you understand Ms. Worth’s meaning.” –Dan

“Pretty sure Loweezy is just waiting for Snuffy to die so that she can cash in on his life insurance (‘life insurance’ meaning the large bet she made that he wouldn’t survive the year).” –Rosstifer

“Get you a man who will proudly boast about your culinary skills at every single opportunity, even if he’s on the butt end of an unexpected but hilarious (maybe? I guess?) pratfall.” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

“Narrator: It wasn’t a game. Dagwood was tweeting real people. He would discover this two hours later when agents from Homeland Security arrested him for being a Russian agent. Due to the absence of comically large sandwiches in jail to keep his hunger abated, he would be released three hours later after eating two prisoners, three guards, the warden, and their entire supply of pepper gas.” –Dread

“I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve lost to ‘Tweetbomb,’ which is tweeting while bombed.” –Joe Blevins

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Sam and Silo, 12/7/18

I still don’t really have a handle on what Sam and Silo’s whole “deal” is. Is it a comic about a robe-wearing cowboy (?) who hangs out with nuns, or is it a comic about a generic white-collar guy who eats soup in diners? Why does the generic white-collar guy not eat soup by lifting his spoon to his mouth, like a normal person, but instead lowers his entire body down to meet it? Is “lowering his body” even what he’s doing here? Is his head retracting into his torso, like a turtle? Hopefully I’ll be able to bring you answers to these questions as this situation develops.

Crock, 12/7/18

You probably think that legacy strips like Crock are comfortable just running in their grooves, never really breaking new ground or exploring their cast of characters. But the joke’s on you, because today, more than six years after the strip promised to stop publishing, we learn that beloved character [checks Wikipedia] “Maggot” isn’t just the camp’s resident latrine digger: he’s also a cannibal, and one who’s tired of eating ordinary men and women and now hungers for celebrity flesh.

Mark Trail, 12/7/18

So it turns out Raul did not fall to his death, but instead crashed through this nice couple’s skylight and, apparently, into their dinner? Normally I can’t get enough of extreme closeups on the faces of these bug-eyed caricatures, but I’m assuming Raul is sprawled out on the dining room table, covered in delicious, piping hot cochinita pibil, sopa de lima, and other delicacies of the Yucatan, and I want to see the carnage, darn it.

Six Chix, 12/7/18

Fun fact: women absolutely do not wear strapless tube top rompers to yoga, as doing any kind of inversions would lead to embarrassing wardrobe malfunction situations. Also, snowpeople would be much more diligent about ascertaining the temperature of rooms before they enter, as prolonged exposure to heat causes them to die in agony.

Blondie, 12/7/18

“Boy, people seem to like Twitter! I guess they got games on there like they do on Facebook, huh?” –someone who has spent a lot of time playing games on Facebook and has literally never used Twitter once

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Gil Thorp, 12/6/18

Well, our Gil Thorp plots have, in traditional Gil Thorp fashion, combined into a semi-satisfying conclusion: Tiki Jansen, forced into a little light address fraud in order to escape his erstwhile criminal associates, enlisted the help of irritating movie buff and emergency substitute punter Joe Bolek in recording himself fleeing in terror from his old schoolmates, with the resulting piece of cinéma vérité praised both for its polemical power and for its mise en scène. I’m reasonably sure that it’s been established that the Mudlarks are in no way in playdown contention, which leaves only one loose plot thread remaining: namely, that Kaz holds his girlfriend Kelly and her intellectual film tastes in open contempt. Things could get really interesting if, for instance, some young Fellini aficionado like Joe Bolek were to wander into Kelly’s travel agency and told her he was “thinking about Italy,” if you know what I mean. (“Italy” refers to watching some Fellini movies and then having sex, and then talking about the movies afterwards, instead of just rolling over and falling immeidately sleep like certain assistant coaches we could mention.)

Barney Google and Snuff Smith, 12/6/18

Hear that, whiny libs? You don’t need big government helping you with your medical bills; you just need someone to beat the shit out of you so you can’t actually spend money other frivolities like poker. Wait, is the implication here that Snuffy got beat up during a poker game, because he cheats all the time? This is really a self-solving problem when you think about it.

Dick Tracy, 12/6/18

Ah, it seems that Polar Vortex’s sinister plot, focused on faxing and slow-walking invoice payments, has been brought down in ironic fashion, because the evil crime syndicate’s record-keeping was too meticulous. We’ve heard enough — time for the cops to show up and brutalize a lot of people with flagrant disregard for due process!

Mary Worth, 12/6/18

I guarantee that Mary doesn’t remember who or what “Jimmy” is, but it doesn’t matter. She learned from the sad story of Saul’s lost love Mia that an animal can plug the emotional hole that a dead human left behind, and she learned from the sad story of Saul’s lost dog Bella that you can also just plug the hole a dead animal leaves behind with another animal. So … do you like cats, Estelle? Remember, as building manager Mary has keys to everyone’s apartments, so even if you say no she’s just going to put the cat in there anyway.