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Mary Worth, 8/29/18

Oh, man, this Mary Worth, plot is getting really great right away, and having written that I realize it sounds sarcastic but I promise that it is not. What do you think it is that makes Mr. Wynter so unlikeable? Is he just a lonely, emotionally needy old man who will latch onto anyone who makes eye contact and drain them of energy with endless boring conversation? Is he a gross pervy weirdo who makes everyone, but especially members of the Charterstone early-middle-aged trophy wife set that comprises Toby’s peer group, profoundly uncomfortable? We also can’t discount the possibility that “Mr. Wynter” is the dog’s name, and he’s just really bitey.

Judger Parker, 8/29/18

Oh, right, I haven’t been keeping you up with Judge Parker, like, at all, but basically the CIA tracked down April and her father to their safe house not particularly safe cabin out in the woods, and he’s decided to sacrifice himself for her, going down in a hail of bullets while April escapes. And now she’s going to keep running, keep running until there’s no one left to chase her … or, as she appears to be doing in panel two, keep ambling, just keep just kind of gently jogging away from the dozens of trained assassins who want her dead until they lose interest, I guess.

Mark Trail, 8/29/18

Hey, remember when Rusty thought there was an ancient Aztec temple called Chicken Itza? Remember when Rusty almost got killed by a tree? Remember when Rusty got stuck under a car? I wouldn’t worry about how smart these kids are, is what I’m saying.

Pluggers, 8/29/18

It’s not clear what terrifies pluggers more: emotional intimacy or any reminder of their own mortality.

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Mark Trail, 8/28/18

Oh, wow, a genuine twist! It seems that Rusty and Mara’s lovable pal/personal chauffeur Jose is in on the artifact-napping ring! I’m not sure if taking Rusty and Mara directly to the location where the big artifact exchange was going down and letting them roam around unsupervised while drool-napping was the master plan laid out by “Joe”‘s presumably gringo bosses, or if our guy is just too darn sleepy to be an effective henchman. But the important thing we’ve learned is that, while north of the border a “gig” is a woman who enjoys sex, south of the Rio Grande it refers to “an elaborate scheme to plunder Mexico’s cultural heritage.” Please make a note of it.

Gil Thorp, 8/28/18

Gil has finally decided how he’s going to combat cheating: he’s going to have his own very special Milford Invitation Golf Tournament To Which No Cheaters Are Invited! I mean, presumably this tournament doesn’t have the prestige of whatever tournament the cheating kids got to go to, but, when you think about it, how much prestige does any given golf tournament have, anyway, I mean, really, come on, it’s frickin’ golf, man.

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Mary Worth, 8/27/18

Oh hell yes y’all it’s a god-damned Charterstone pool party! This is a long and honored Mary Worth tradition, which we’ve enjoyed since the very early days of this blog, but I don’t think we’ve had a truly proper one in more than four years, and the last one led to the story of Olive and her magical psychic tummy, so I am pretty jazzed about today’s developments.

What hilarious plot awaits us? It’s possible that we’re going to learn that Mary, her hands afflicted with rheumatoid arthritis, can no longer mush canned salmon paste into a proper shape before sticking it in the oven, downgrading her usual salmon squares to varying and irregular “salmon snacks.” But the smart money is on this natty old man and his adorable dog. Remember the time when Mary found an injured dog and brought it back home to Charterstone and was glad to discover the condo rules allowed dogs because otherwise she’d have to lay waste to all who opposed her? Anyway, the point is, this dog is more than welcome to hang out by the Charterstone pool and rub its butthole directly on the glass tables in the common area.

Six Chix, 8/27/18

As someone who has a phobia of bees and needles (I mean, what’s a bee but a weird yellow fly with a needle on it’s butt, really) you’d think I’d find this strip terrible triggering, but I actually kind of like it! I mean, I assume its purpose is to bring on vertiginous nightmares, right? I particularly enjoy the lady in panel two going strabismic with terror.

Beetle Bailey, 8/27/18

I love how everyone in the car looks genuinely horrified by the prospect of Sarge’s violent, volcanic anger. Sure, Beetle is regularly pounded to goo and seems to bounce back easily enough, but will the same logic apply to his fellow soldiers? Or will they be left thoroughly dead, a misshapen mass of broken bones and pulverized organs? Sarge’s court-martial, where he breaks down crying and sobs “I thought … I thought they’d just go back to normal. Beetle goes back to normal!” will be of little consolation to their grieving families.