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Dennis the Menace, 4/8/18

At first I was going to say “I can’t believe I actually have dedicated mental energy to this,” but obviously I have a blog about comic strips so it’s pretty obvious that I would dedicate mental energy to this, so let me pose the question to you, the reader: doesn’t Dennis’s grandpa look kind of off-model here? He usually doesn’t have glasses and his hair isn’t usually doing that in front and, perhaps most importantly, he usually looks kind of smug and self-assured, like he does here. Anyway, the reason I’m going through this whole thought process is that today’s strip never actually identifies this man as Dennis’s grandfather, which means that maybe he’s just some random old man feeding Dennis cookies for his own no doubt horrifying purposes, and who has been caught and punished in possibly the least effective manner possible.

Gasoline Alley, 4/8/18

Gasoline Alley isn’t always hip to the latest trends, but today it’s here to tell you that there’s a third dimension now! Crazy, right???? I’m mostly posting this comic to point out that Gasoline Alley is extremely scrupulous about respecting the intellectual property rights of Magic Eye, Inc., who, though they would appreciate being referred to, falsely, as “today’s rage,” would probably be angry if their brand name were put above the “puzzle” in the second-to-last column, not least because you can stare it all you want and nothing 3-D is going to happen inside your brain.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/7/18

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen exactly one episode of the 1967 Dragnet revival in my life, but its plot is burned into my brain. Friday and Gannon try to bust a ring of hippie drug freaks, with one of said freaks, a bearded intellectual who thought his friends had “gone too far,” serving as an informant. They do manage to make the arrests, but not before one hippie couple’s two-year-old daughter tragically drowns in the bathtub, because her parents were neglecting her while high on [dramatic music sting] MARIJUANA. Then, at the end of the show, the informant shows up at police HQ and he’s gotten a haircut and shaved his beard and is wearing a suit, and he announces that he still holds to his ideals but is going to get a job as a journalist and work to change the system from the inside. That’s all I can think about looking at Justin here. Sure, it took a terrible disease and a mother so paranoid about doctors that it’s almost certainly a diagnosable disorder, but the important thing is that his hair isn’t hanging over his god-damned ears anymore.

Mary Worth, 4/7/18

I would of course never deny you the pleasure of seeing Wilbur singing along with Willie Nelson in the shower, but I also want to make sure you realize that that shampoo ad from earlier this week finally roused him from his depressed squalor and convinced him to, for the first time in presumably days or perhaps even weeks, bathe.

Mark Trail, 4/7/18

I love that Marlin looks more outraged by this development than anything else. “He’s going to ram the jeep! The very jeep I’m sitting in! Why, the nerve!”

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Greetings, all! As is traditional on the first Friday of every month, I must urge you to come to my live show, The Internet Read Aloud, in Los Angeles! It has a great lineup and will be extremely funny! Here is the Facebook event!

Also, as is traditional on every Friday, I must urge you to enjoy the comment of the week!

“Once, when someone moved back to Westview, it was a result of them failing miserably in their work or love life, not their success! I remember when this strip stood for something!” –Ettore

The runners up: also to be enjoyed!

“‘Wilbur, any time you need to talk, I’m available.’ ‘Uh … what was I just doing?’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, beloved idol of a million other women

“After a whole week of this scene, the only thing that makes it bearable is imagining Wilbur as a furry, wearing an enormous lemming costume.” –seismic-2

“You both have careers. Seriously, you can afford a fucking end table.” –nescio

“Daisy looks alarmed in that last panel. ‘Uh-oh, the jig is up!’ she seems to be thinking. ‘They’ve reached meta-awareness of their comedic-dramatic character arcs, and now my planet is going to have to re-stock its human zoo!’” –BigTed

“Maybe it’s just my coastal elitism, but I have an easier time suspending my disbelief for a lasagna-loving anthropomorphic cat or a dog that longs to fight in a war 100 years ago than I do for believing that there is anyone listening to high school sports on the radio to report Marty Moon for two FCC violations.” –Dread

“Why does he need a haircut? You know they say your hair and toenails keep growing after you die. Quit scaring the boy! Also there’s a chance his problem is some form of untreatable cancer, but quit scaring him! And even though it seems like he’s young and relatively healthy with a full life ahead of him you never know when the icy hand of death is going to reach out and grab you. As T.S. Eliot said, ‘And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker.’ But quit scaring the boy with all your talk about his great-great grandfather who, now that I’ve done the math, must have died tragically young.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“In the context of architecture ‘looming spectre’ is usually used metaphorically but in today’s Mary Worth the silent streets are haunted by the pale ghost of Florence’s Duomo. I don’t know what kind of unfinished business causes major tourist attractions to rise from the dead but knowing Mary Worth it’s boring.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Meanwhile, Wilbur has dinner while staring at a glossy print of his favorite shampoo ad. Why didn’t that shower lady ever respond to his letters?” –pugfuggly

“Don’t be so smug, Pirate Teen. Sure, YouTube may be more open to swearing than small-town radio, but it’s surely only a matter of time before the TEEN YOUTUBERS APOLOGISE FOR RACIST SUICIDE-FOREST TASER PRANK headlines arrive.” –Schroduck

“After some serious soul-searching about what, exactly, it is about himself that could be such a turn-off to women, Wilbur decides it might be that moldy smell emanating from his body and clothes. He’s noticed it himself, sometimes, and suddenly he remembers something that could solve the problem. Also, he smiles, hanging that scented ‘Fresh ‘n’ Frisky’ dehumidifier disk inside his pants might help enhance his junk.” –Charterstoned

“Ah! There it is. Dawn’s mini-Roomba. It still has the tail she glued on it when she mistook it for a tailless mouse. Ah, that reminds just how stupid Dawn is. Welp, get to it, little vacuum. Those crumbs aren’t getting out my chest hair on their own.” –Voshkod

“Ah, yes, Dawn’s favorite Object. We both love Object.” –Noel

“My take is that Wilbur is holding it upside down and it’s not something that hangs, but is a hanger itself — a big suction cup with a hook on it. Dawn and Wilbur suction it to one of their large ocean-view windows, put on handcuffs and hang by the handcuff chain totally naked for all to see. If that isn’t the definition of a mood-helper I don’t know what is.” –The Mighty Captain E

“It’s not fair, Mom! Look, I’m even casting a distinct and dark shadow from an angle that wouldn’t be possible for multiple reasons if you were a normal human being like me. How come I have to die in a few measly decades and you get to be a timeless being of pure light?” –jroggs

“[sips coffee, leans forward and folds arms thoughtfully] You know, my grandma said I don’t have a worry in the world. Should I? Welcome to Jeffy’s Musings, a weekly feature here on–[audience immediately riots]” –Dan

“Everyone in Milford is obsessed with sports. Gil is pretty much a dick to all of his students, and Marty is the only one who calls him out on it. My theory is Marty is super popular at this bar because the patrons are either Gil’s ex-players or parents of players who all have an axe to grind with the Thorps, who it should be noted have no friends in town outside of Gil’s subordinate. No wonder Gil doesn’t want to meet there.” –Drew Funk

“Every time I see Mopey Pete, my mind is flooded with questions: Demetri Martin? Walter Matthau? Mike Dukakis? All of them, somehow?” –Joe Blevins

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