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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/30/24

Oh yeah, so it turns out that Lyle “Old Man” Ollman is actually Rene/”Jimmy”‘s uncle! I admit I made fun of Lyle for not having the skill or charisma to get a self-help cult going in the 1970s, but today, as he declares that Rene rebranding the Ollman Technique as “Professor Mirakle™ Presents: Rene Belluso’s Mirakle Method (an Ollman Technique® Production) Featuring Fergus ‘Mud Mountain’ Murphy” to be the “one good thing” his wayward nephew has done, he reveals that he at least has the ego for it. He hasn’t spoke to Rene in years! He could have done all sorts of good things! I mean, he definitely hasn’t, but he could have!

Family Circus, 1/30/24

Is Dolly promoting a pantheistic view of the universe and assigning divinity to a pagan nature goddess? Or is she humbly avoiding conflating herself with the one creator God of the Trinity while still boasting of her artistic prowess? The Keane Council on Heresy (PJ and Barfy) are going to have a hard time with this one.

Pluggers, 1/30/24

Sure, only pluggers remember payphone-derived idioms and aphorisms. But also, only pluggers still think a dime is actually worthwhile to hold on to rather than something annoying in your pocket, so I’m afraid I don’t buy that our bear-man friend here would actually use one to act out his dramatic little response.

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Gasoline Alley, 1/29/24

One of the central and increasingly untenable contradictions of Gasoline Alley is that it is and always has been a strip where the characters age in real time, but it’s also a strip that’s been continuously published since 1918, and Walt Wallet, one of its central characters, is now improbably someting like 130 years old. But they can’t let him die, or even retire gracefully to the semi-fantastical Old Comics Character Home like they hinted they would back in 2006 and 2013, I guess because extensive market research showed that once Walt is allowed to stop suffering, the few remaining Gasoline Alley trufans will simply abandon the strip and do something more interesting with their lives. Anyway, that same research showed that nobody gives a shit about Slim, so, uh, RIP Slim, 1970(?)-2024, you taught me that it’s pretty easy to freeze to death in your car.

Dennis the Menace, 1/29/24

Saw what you will about Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC not being innovative, but they were the ones who had the nerve to say, “Hey, I know in the ’80s they made us stop doing jokes about some of our characters being drunks, but what if we start doing that again, just to see if anybody still cares?” The experiment proved that, in fact, nobody did care, and now other comics are reaping the benefits. Ha ha, it’s funny because Mr. Wilson drinks to escape the pain of Dennis ruining his retirement, but now he’s old and he can’t really handle it anymore!

Dustin, 1/29/24

“Sure, yes, I have a device in my pocket that would grant me immediate access to health information, the lastest in journalism, the complete archives of Highlights magazine, and even soothing videos of fish swimming free in their natural habitat rather than suffering in a tiny, dirty tank. But I’m not going to take it out and look at it, on principle” –the Dustin dad philosophy distilled into its most potent and unpleasant form

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Dennis the Menace, 1/28/24

Folks, let me tell you something about my brain (and yeah, sorry, you’re reading a blog with the URL josh reads dot com, you signed up for information about Josh’s brain): I need to create elaborate systems for myself in my home so that I don’t forget where important everyday objects (keys, wallet, glasses, etc.) are, and the real necessity of these rituals is brought home to me every time I travel anywhere and immediately lose everything in a relatively small guest bedroom or hotel room. Names? Of people? Whom I have met socially on multiple occasions, and about whom I could tell you any number of things about their lives and hopes and dreams? You think I’m going to remember their names? You sweet summer child. You think I don’t maintain a Word document called everybodys_names.docx for each job or professional relationship I’ve ever had? Because I do, I absolutely do maintain those documents, thank you very much.

But, today? When I read today’s Dennis the Menace? I felt the phrase “Oh, the Mitchell family, the star of the syndicated Dennis the Menace comic strip, have a storage unit” sink into my brain, and I knew, I knew with absolute certainty that this bit of Dennis the Menace lore was now burned in there permanently. The next time I go anywhere, and I look desperately around the room trying to find my keys, and then I close my eyes to try to visualize where I left them, I know that what I’ll actually see is Henry Mitchell, Dennis the Menace’s father, looking around at all the boxes in his storage unit, and shaking his head at how Alice doesn’t think he needs a place to put this stuff.

Beetle Bailey, 1/28/24

Ha ha, look at Killer! He’s severely traumatized. I don’t think he was even beat up — this is all just from psychological abuse. I guess the other soldiers should really start to appreciate how Beetle serves as a ritual scapegoat for the whole camp!