“[Mary] keeps a cool head, even as she watches Wilbur drunkenly enter a shoving match with the alpha male of one of Santa Royale’s famous sea lion colonies.” –Alex DeSteve Allen Inventor Of The Porg, on Twitter
“Konga was released in 1961. Did the animapocalypse take place and I missed it? (I haven’t been keeping up on the news lately.)” –Pozzo
“‘I know Milton was as much a friend as a boss and you got on well with Heather to the extent she basically gave you this house, so I need to ask how his death’s affecting you?’ ‘You mean, will I still have this house?’ ‘Obviously. What else would I mean?’” –Horace Boon
“I like how MJ’s first step in her disguise is make herself cross-eyed. ‘Ha, they’ll never recognize me now!’ she says as she crashes into the pier.” –pugfuggly
“No one has ever been as pissed off about having to get a cab as Mark Trail is right there. ‘I wanted to rent a car but Big Government says I can’t have a license anymore because I’ve made too many vehicles explode. Many of those weren’t even my fault!’” –Aphthakid
“Get out of here with that ridiculous-looking dance craze from the 1970s — I’m busy with my ridiculous-looking exercise craze from the 1990s!” –BigTed
“It’s not a heart, it’s a Cardioid, because math broke my heart. It was a stormy day in Bletchly Park and the Jerry U-boats were decimating our convoys. Poor old Alan Turing was working on the Enigma cipher by day, and trying to unlock his love for me at night … [Two hours pass] … so I punched him, right there in Stockholm, in front of the Queen and King. ‘Feynman, you son of a bitch,’ I snarled, ‘you can play loose with me and my girl, but you cannot take quantum electrodynamics from me.’ That bastard stood up, straightened his tie, kissed my wife, and said ‘I already did, Louis.’ [Three hours pass] But I hung up my slide rule in ’86, when those swine at IMU gave the Fields Medal to Freedman for his work on four-manifolds while ignoring my breakthrough on Yang-Mills. I knew Freedman was sleeping with half the panel. Anyway, then I bought this place and started making chili for idiots like you. That answer your question?” –Voshkod
“You FORGOT that Green Hornet had a gas gun? That’s his whole shtick. That’s like forgetting that Batman has Bat-themed gadgetry or that Superman can fly or that Dick Tracy’s grotesque rogues with literal nicknames usually have gruesome, violent deaths.” –Frank B. Chavez III, on Facebook
“No matter how hard I try, I can’t see those grawlices as representing anything but voluminous farting. The air is thick with them!” –Peanut Gallery
“I’m going to assume shirtless white guys with tattered pants don’t stand out in Florida.” –Kevin Keeney, on Facebook
“‘You’re a failure, I am a failure! Let’s pool our efforts together.’ This is perfectly in the spirit of the Amazing Spider-Man.” –Ettore
“Two shirtless men, a woman fixing her Sharon Stone hair, and an underdecorated, indistinct set? I realize Spider-Man: Homecoming left itself open to some pretty obvious porn parodies but this is egregious.” –Bunivasal
“Scheduling disappointments are, based on my last visit to the urologist, the most realistic medical crisis shown in Rex Morgan, M.D., to date.” –Where’s Rocky
“I forget what the Snuffy Smith baby‘s name is? Here goes:
- Porkpie
- Honker Junior
- Tipsy
- Lil’ Feedbag
- Lil’ Snuff Stuff
- Hambone
- Pickle Truckle
- Cornpone
- Bumble Gump
- Underbreeches Jones
- Ol’ Baby
- Chuggs”
–Jack Pickert, on Twitter
“No, Mary! You’re pulling the ripcord on your murder-disguised-as-suicide-plan too soon! Wilbur isn’t quite drunk enough to think the cliff side is your car! You need to pick up his unfinished bottle of liquor and goad him into downing it all first. Maybe make a comment about how you hope he hasn’t given up on this the way everyone in his life has given up on him. Look, you’re a creative woman full of platitudes. I’m sure you can do this.” –Lionheart
“This might be cute if they were referring to the puzzle being too challenging for a baby, but no. The Holler never stopped grading meat using numbers (‘grade A beef’ was a flatlander invention to incorporate post-Upton Sinclair improvements to the food industry). Loweezy knows that cerebral activity is a leisure that fattens no frame, thus wasting the valuable bulking period between now and when Tater is presented at table, presumably with taters.” –Hopester
