Archive for November, 2006

Say, let’s catch up on what’s going on in some of the serial strips I’ve been neglecting, shall we?

Mary Worth, 11/30/06

In Mary Worth, Ella is giving psychic marital advice to 1944 and ‘48 Republican presidential candidate Thomas Dewey.

Gil Thorp, 11/30/06

In Gil Thorp, Bill Ritter has done some sort of grievous harm to himself with a chainsaw, possibly involving the loss of a limb. But the important is that now Stormy Hicks is a real hero.

Gasoline Alley, 11/30/06

In Gasoline Alley, Walt, in what may or may not be some elaborate metaphor for his death and/or apotheosis, has been hanging out at the “Old Comics Home”, and having a high old time of it — until today, when he encountered the terrifying, heroin-addled, twelve-foot-tall puppet-beast they have tied up in the back room.

The Phantom, 11/30/06

And in The Phantom, the-Ghost-Who-Is-Clever caused a villain-killing plane crash with the power … of psychology!

Which is kind of a shitty superpower, when it comes right down to it.

But it’s still better than anything Spider-Man’s got.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/29/06

You know, suddenly this is the first Funky Winkerbean sequence I’ve unironically enjoyed since I rejoined the new gloomed up version of the strip. I love the musical notes floating in the air — is it stripper music? Is it Christmas music? Is it somehow, wonderfully, both? I love the way that Santa’s thick black belt, such an iconic part of his thoroughly asexual garb, has suddenly been transformed with a vague aura of S&M. But mostly, I love the way that everyone is leering at sexy Santa with naked lust — except for the mother-to-be, who looks on in unalloyed horror, as if only she can see how very, very wrong this is, and she’s thinking, “My God, has everyone else gone insane?”

Apartment 3-G, 11/29/06

Wow, so yesterday when I guessed that this was Alan’s beatnik buddy I was pretty much kidding, but it looks like it actually is … I think. Just like I think that’s Alan in panel three in the cowboy hat. Or maybe it’s Lu Ann’s cousin Blaze, who’s partial to cowboy wear. Or even Eric Mills, whose Hat Man tendencies might go both ways, if you catch my drift. God damn, this feature would be easier to follow if the men didn’t all look a alike.

Dennis the Menace, 11/29/06

Dennis further erodes his Menace status by getting a co-ed group together and then playing the least threatening game of doctor in the history of prepubescence. Joey, meanwhile, is looking more like a child prostitute with every appearance in this strip.

Judge Parker, 11/29/06

You know, I remember the good old days, when the press would focus on the issues, like the fact that Randy Parker is unmarried and therefore almost certainly a homosexual and thus totally unfit for the bench, instead of feeding the politics of personal destruction and mentioning the fact that the totally heterosexual and not at all gay Reggie Black’s wife’s breath stinks of liquor. Jackals!

Luann, 11/29/06

Wait, Brad was planning on painting his living room black? Did he buy a blacklight and some Cypress Hill posters too? Did he think he was going to star in a spinoff strip called Brad and TJ Are Really, Really High All The Time?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/29/06

When did June become the villain in a Dickens novel? And when did Rex Morgan start shilling for McDonald’s?

For Better Or For Worse, 11/28/06

No, you see Ellie, in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the strong, handsome, interesting police, who investigate crime; and the witnesses, who mumble testimony through their cinnamon-bun-crumb-laden mustaches and try to avoid mentioning their total contempt for the niceties of fair trials in a common law jurisdiction. This one’s already out of Paul’s hands, I’m afraid.

Seriously, though, this is the worst thing ever. I hate all of you, die, die, die, die.

Apartment 3-G, 11/28/06

Hey, man, who’s that crazy cat with the sideburns and the granny glasses? Is it another one of Alan’s beatnik art friends? Crazy kick, man! Outta site!

Garfield, 11/28/06

Forced to finally confront the concept of human sexuality, Jon Arbuckle has apparently suffered a massive stroke. One can only hope that Garfield will be as skilled a caretaker as Iris is for Jim Patterson, but he’s more likely to lose interest and eventually just eat his hapless patient.

Mark Trail, 11/28/06

What … but … I … just … buh …

[A few more moments of incoherent sputtering ensues.]

NOW LOOK HERE! Just because we all were like, “Oooh, Molly, we love Molly, Molly’s so cute, oh no, what will happen to Molly?” doesn’t mean our appetite for adorable animals in trouble is limitless. We recognize blatant emotional manipulation when we see it, and the Adorable Adolescent Beaver Who Isn’t Quite Ready To Leave The Lodge is just such manipulation wrapped up in smooth brown fur with a big flat tail at one end.

Oh, who am I kidding. Oh my God, what if Molly and the beaver meet and have adorable adventures in the woods together. SO CUTE!!!!

What sort of little boy wears his vintage 1940s Boy Scout uniform, complete with cravat, to dinner? A sad and maladjusted little boy, that’s what kind. Rusty should get together with that other comics misfit, little Sarah Morgan. Except that, what with June off screaming at tweakers and Rex off doing … well, whatever it is he’s doing, probably cruising for anonymous gay sex in the city parks, nobody really seems to be much paying attention to her, and she’s probably starved to death by now.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/28/06

You might think that this is the most horrifying thing you can imagine, but my wife’s been to a baby shower where people microwaved candy bars in diapers so they looked exactly like you’d think melted candy bars in a diaper would look and then passed them around and everyone had to guess what kind of candy bar was in each. So frankly I think the concept of a stripper dressed (for the moment) as Santa Claus giving a lap dance to an extremely pregnant one-armed woman sounds quite charming in comparison. At least all these blatantly randy women aren’t dressed as sexy elves. Let’s cling to that shred of dignity.

Slylock Fox, 11/27/06

Today Slylock Fox takes a break from its usual kid-friendly fare to take us on a voyage into a shadowy demimonde of sleaze and degradation. Pretty much every aspect of this drawing is magnificent, from the scantily clad nightclub ladies, to the enormous purple-suited dog-thing (presumably their pimp) boogying down behind them, to the impassive bull bouncer standing outside, to Max Mouse’s decision to wear earmuffs and a scarf but no shirt.

My question is: Is this the same beaver who got his luggage stolen at LAX a couple of weeks ago? Why is he such a frequent victim of crime? I’m guessing it’s because he looks so hilarious when he’s indignant.

Mark Trail, 11/27/06

Yeah, Mark, I’m sure he’ll be very excited to learn that Molly’s safe, especially considering that he had no reason to believe that she wouldn’t be safe, since he left her in the hands of an experienced outdoorsman and all. It’s like the time I took care of a friend’s cat when she was out of the country, and the cat had some pretty disgusting gastrointestinal problems, but I didn’t tell her about it until after I took the cat to the vet and got it all worked out. Except I sought medical attention for the cat as soon as I realized he was sick instead of leaving him in the back of an open jeep so that he could be kidnapped by morons with stupid hair. So, my point, Trail, is good luck casually playing this bearnapping incident off when you go see Buck in the hospital.

Yes, that moose is talking out of its butt in the second panel. No, I don’t know why that’s happening or how to make it stop.

Luann, 11/27/06

You know, many months ago, I completely in jest accused Sally Forth of taking payola from Target and/or Rush. I wish I could say that I have no actual suspicions about today’s Luann, but the floating little ® bug after “Home Depot” gives me the uncomfortable feeling that we’re witnessing some kind of horrifying corporate synergy in the making. The only shred of hope I have to cling to is that the ® is subscripted, not superscripted as it should be, so it practically looks like somebody’s trademarked the word “fix” (which, frankly, I wouldn’t put past Home Depot®).

Anyway, all this speculation about artistic whoredom has at least blessedly distracted me from the joke in this strip, which is the always hilarious MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS HAW HAW WHAT’RE YA GONNA DO? Because I’m feeling generous, though, I will say that Momma DeGroot’s facial expression in the second panel is pretty funny.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/27/06

Like Troy Gainer, I’m not actually a doctor, but I’m still pretty sure that nobody’s eyes look like June’s in panel two unless they’ve already consumed copious amounts of meth. I’m beginning to see why she’s so eager to hook up with Niki’s mom.

By the way, I defy anyone to come up with a good explanation for a sock lying on top of a lampshade that doesn’t involve a set dresser presented with instructions that contain the phrase “cartoonishly squalid.”

Garfield, 11/27/06

Today’s Garfield appears to contain a reference to Jon’s penis.

Apartment 3-G, 11/27/06

Today’s Apartment 3-G appears to contain a reference to one of two slang terms for Eric Mills’s penis.

Actually, it took Mrs. C., romantic that she is, to point out to me that the four-letter word to which Tommie is referring is probably “love.” In my defense, I have a hard time conceiving of “Margo” and “love” in the same sentence. Margo requires worship, and servicing. Love doesn’t really enter into the equation.

Bizarre Apartment 3-G fashion update: Tommie’s weird white-sweatshirt-over-dusty-pink-polo-shirt combo seems to be slowly morphing into a slightly kickier futuristic two-tone zip-up jumpsuit. And while Margo’s decision to wear a white micro-miniskirt to Thanksgiving dinner was ultimately successful in the rich-guy-seducing department, it was also an embarrassing gravy stain disaster waiting to happen.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/27/06

Attention, comics writers who are thinking of ending a strip with a gentle bit of punny wordplay and depicting the characters engaged in said wordplay demonstrating through their facial expressions their mild appreciation for same: we already have one For Better Or For Worse and do not require another. Thank you.

Hey, everybody! In yet another case of “online ranter” suddenly becoming “quasi-respectable pundit,” the Los Angeles Times was good enough to print a piece I wrote about newspaper comics sections today. Check it out, won’t you?

I may have taken a good chunk of this week off, but you sure didn’t! In addition to discovering a mutual love of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (a love that is shared by your humble blogger, it will probably not come as a surprise to you to learn), you came up with any number of amusing witticisms, of which following was judged, in our arbitrary way, the wittiest:

“There may be better euphemisms for sodomy than ‘Liz Ritter all but forces Stormy Hicks to go to The Bucket,’ but it’s hard to imagine any.” –Smitty Smedlap

And the as always almost as hilarious runners-up:

“‘As you’ve heard, I give advice.’ The list of Sentences Never Uttered Anywhere But In Mary Worth just keeps getting longer and longer.” –gump worsley

“Given the … unusual … placing of Gunk’s eyes, I’m thinking that Flyspeck Island is so tiny that Gunk’s great-great-great-grandfather is also his brother and his mother is also his sister. Perhaps ‘Take me to the mailbox’ is Gunk-speak for ‘Please put a bullet between my hideous fish eyes before I commit more atrocities against genetics.’” –Wirrrn

“It doesn’t seem like Celeste is actually having much FUN being such a beeotch about this campaign. Perhaps she should have used her money to buy a cruise ticket instead. Or a bar.” –Poteet

“Things to ask when your partner in crime goes to investigate a barking dog, you hear a strange voice yell ‘He’s with me!’, followed by the sound of a jawbone being crushed and the thud of a body crashing to the ground: ‘Did you find the dog?’” –Sharkbait

“Is there any place in the world where Niki’s hair would look cool? Or fashionable? Or even not totally insane? A dark underlayer with pointy little sideburns, topped by a starfish of horizontal spikes. Never mind why you would want to do it: HOW could you do it? Elmer’s glue and a cordless drill?” –Proteus

“Again, let me voice my frustration at the cop out that is FW this week. Sure, I know it’s Thanksgiving, and a gym full of turkeys is a real hoot, but why must depression and tragedy take a week off just because it’s Thanksgiving? In fact, in real life, depression and tragedy are what the holidays are all about.” –Allie Cat

“PS: When did Tommie start dressing like she works at Dunkin’ Donuts? Always? Oh, OK. Thanks.” –Badly_Computer_Animated_Boy

“I liken [Apartment 3-G] to ultra-high-speed footage of car safety tests. For what seems like ages we watch the stage get set for a violent spectacle. In agonizing slowness we bear witness to the 2006 Ford Bronco of the other girls’ lives screech straight into the unyielding brick wall that is Margo. Sure, it may take hours, but when the inevitable fiery crash happens, we’ll get to see every fragment of safety glass scatter as Lu Ann and Tommie’s hopes and dreams are hurled through the windshield.” –Trent

“As for the A3G Thanksgiving, I still think Margo’s going to give, or at least attempt to give, everyone smallpox.” –Mikel

“Having never had a gun pointed at me, I’m not sure how I’d react. Demanding the person holding the gun reveal his identity, however, doesn’t strike me as likely. I imagine pleading with the person not to shoot, and maybe inquiring what I can do to make the not shooting more likely. Once the guy started talking about his friend’s bear, I’d know my fate was in the hands of a madman, and I could only hope his rant went on to encompass Dallas in ‘63, or the satanic origins of the UPC symbol. I guess I might consider that someone that crazed might not even think to LOAD a gun, but the snarling attack dog glaring at my genitals would probably just cow me into silence.” –Donald The Anarchist

“Man, Ella sure does bring out the platitudes in Mary Worth. I have feeling these two could carry on a conversation in nothing but droll witticisms. In fact, it’s as if they are occasionally slipping into their native language, sort of the meddling biddy equivalent of Yiddish.” –Bobdog

“And I find the phrase ‘Liz Ritter all but forces Stormy Hicks to go to the Bucket’ profoundly troubling. What is that final straw, I wonder, that final act of depravity that separates ‘all but’ forcing Stormy Hicks to go to the Bucket and actually forcing Stormy Hicks to go to the Bucket? I’m not sure we want our children growing up in such a world.” –Anonymous

“Not to make light of Elizabeth’s serious legal and emotional situation happening in FBOFW, but good lord, what is wrong with her mother’s nose? –CHA5NCE

Also! It may have slipped your mind that fine boat wresting merchandise is available for purchase, no doubt because you are the type who finds it difficult to concentrate on abstract concepts in the absence of visual reinforcement. Well, to offer up just such a memory aid, I present this photo of faithful reader Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener (who is also The Artist Formerly Known As 2fs) attempting to wrestle a wild boat in its native habitat.

More merchandise of this general tenor is available at the Comics Curmudgeon store at CafePress.

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I’ve tweaked the ads a bit this week: you can now buy the guaranteed top spot in the left-hand nav bar, and you may have noticed the new ads at the top right of the screen, provided through Ryan North (of Dinosaur Comics fame)’s new Project Wonderful network. For more details, check out our advertising page.