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Mary Worth, 12/16/07

We’ve seen this enormous concrete staircase to nowhere before in Mary Worth. When it last appeared at a Charterstone pool party, I speculated that it led to a platform for human sacrifice. But perhaps it will actually turn out to be the spot where tiny dogs battle it out for tiny dog supremacy over Charterstone. I can just see Mary being the type to be all sweetness and light and Leo Buscaglia quotes before Chester loses in a fight, and then her love for him vanishes in a puff of disgust when she sees that her dog is a cowardly cur. Only the toughest gets to hold coveted title of Mary’s Dawg!

A more pleasant possibility is that the top of the stairs will serve as the stage for the incident that will forever go down in Charterstone lore as The Humping. Mary, having never experienced or even seen actual sexual contact before, will simply faint dead away.

Apartment 3-G, 12/16/07

Oh, Margo! So unused to being denied what you want for any length of time, you can’t help but race to the finish line the moment the L-bomb is dropped. I’d feel bad for you if you weren’t a preening, narcissistic sociopath with the blood of who knows how many innocents on your hands.

Eric’s fish-lipped look of horror in the final panel is definitely one of this strip’s classic moments. “Gosh, I always thought the moment I got engaged would feel … more special,” he seems to be thinking. “And I certainly didn’t think it would involve anyone dressed like Han Solo.”

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Judge Parker, 12/15/07

Good lord, didn’t we polish off this Randy-runs-for-judge storyline more than a year ago, when Randy’s opponent was revealed to have a alcoholic wife and to thus be unsuitable for the bench? Even presidential elections don’t drag out this long. Since then, Randy has clearly been zapped with some kind of dignifying ray, what with his more mature, slightly lined face and sudden penchant for vests. Apparently people don’t want their judges looking like twelve-year-olds.

Still, the fact that Randy’s campaign poster was printed over in “Parkersburg” reveals the Turkmenbashi-style cult of personality that the Parkers hold over this part of the country. With whole towns named after his family, it seems doubtful that anyone could keep Randy from the judgeship that’s been promised him since birth. Voters trudging to the polls under the watchful gaze of the forty-foot-tall golden statue of Judge Parker Senior will know what to do if they want to make it home alive.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/15/07

Boy, ten years have sure allowed Mopey Pete to hone his lady-wooing prowess. Because if there’s one thing a woman looks for in a potential sexual partner, it’s a hand so cramped as to interfere with fine motor control skills.

Family Circus, 12/15/07

This comic probably would have been funnier (though not actually funny per se) if it had been published at some time other than the dead of winter. “It’s called the scream door because when they lock us outside in the snow, we scream through it begging for them to let us back in. Generally they can’t hear us, though, because the inside door is closed and they’re in the living room watching TV.”

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/16/07

Another TDIET from a faithful reader! Today, the Great Ka-Floopa Gush reminds us of those halcyon days of youth, when institutionalized schooling was so dreadful that the sweet embrace of unconsciousness was preferable.

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Blondie, 12/14/07

I think I’ve made it clear that I oppose the coloring of daily comics, especially when the artists aren’t the one making the color choices. It’s particularly bad when the strips are specifically created with coloring conventions that accommodate publication in black and white and then are colored in. One of the most disconcerting examples of this is when something in a strip is supposed to be red and is colored solid black in the black-and-white version. It makes total sense in a monochrome format, but once you add color into the mix, you get bizarre results like Hi and Lois’ S&M Valentine’s Day, or Dagwood the goth Santa.

I got some fine pics from a meetup from faithful readers in greater Portland, which I’ll be running in the next day or two, but I did want to share a related anecdote from faithful reader Brown-Eyed Girl that’s relevant here:

As I was trying (and failing) to find the highway out of Portland, I stumbled across the Santacon: 600+ people dressed up like Santa Claus marching through downtown Portland. Well, staggering through downtown Portland; many of them were drunk. In honor of the black-clad Santa in Luann, I’ve sent you a picture of a black-clad Santa. “Better dead than red,” he said.

I should add that I only see Luann in black and white, and so black-suited Santas there seem totally reasonable to me. Dagwood’s hat, however, gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Gil Thorp, 12/14/07

No one is ever, ever allowed to make fun of the art in Gil Thorp again. Ever. What other strip would aim so high as to give us triple-Bill punching action? I particularly like the way that that the lead Valley Tech Vandal’s omnipresent hat is blasted off his head by Bill’s very first punch, symbolically emasculating him. It’s unclear whether he’s holding his face in panel three because he’s bleeding everywhere or because he’s ashamed of being beaten up by a dude with one leg.

Meanwhile, Cully’s sad face in panel three indicates that he’s getting no joy from this savage beatdown. Either his time in prison has shown him that the turn to violence is never any kind of victory, or he’s disappointed that he didn’t get to break these guys in half himself with his “wrestling moves.”

Curtis, 12/14/07

“Well, you were wearin’ shorts and flip-flops, I should say. I was wearing the same damn outfit I have on now, just like I do every other day of my life.”

Beetle Bailey, 12/14/07

Ha! It’s funny because the U.S. Army’s officer corps is mostly composed of desperate alcoholics!

Pluggers, 12/14/07

Pluggers know that a plastic sofa cover is a lot cheaper than fancy incontinence medication.