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Phantom, 4/29/17

Hmmm … can’t shake a “feeling of death,” Big Guy? Maybe it’s because you sleep cheek-by-jowl with your ancestors’ corpses, decorate yourself with skull jewelry, and live inside a gigantic death’s-head?

Nah. More likely it’s just a premonition that your city-bred wife, out stalking a pygmy tribal chief in the deep jungle, is about to get all slain by one of his adorable little arrows.

Crankshaft, 4/29/17

Wait, sad to outlive your dreams? But that way you’d still be around to enjoy them after they turn into facts! Sounds kinda nice — sign me up!

Not Lillian, though — she’s lived in the Funkyverse long enough to know this ain’t no Disney movie (the depression cats are a giveaway). So she games the system, adopting only those dreams that will fail slowly enough to outlast her. That way, she can die basking in the delusion that her remaining dreams still had a shot. Not like her dream to open a used bookstore above the garage — that sucker failed from the get-go and mocks her to this day.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/29/17

OK, Rex Morgan has been setting up this porno for so long the only question left is the dramatis personae: Niki and Kelly, sure, but who’s on third: rich-girl Holly — or Kelly’s Mom Summer (ew)?

And pace Josh, Niki’s actually far from a novice at this sort of thing: a decade ago, June blackmailed him into “cleaning her garage,” if you know what I mean. And that was before he got his wet hands all over Rex’s trout.

Anyway, it’s great to see this classic soaper returning to its roots. Its sexy, creepy roots.

Spider-Man, 4/29/17

Spider-Man plugs Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy franchise almost as hard as Mary Worth plugs Carnival Cruise Lines. Probably for more cash, but definitely with a lot less effort. Never change, Web-Slinger!

Hello, faithful reader! I’m sitting in while Josh enjoys a Spring Break chock-full of enjoyable activities on a colossal liner steaming around the Caribbean, or maybe just sneaks out back for a delicious cigarette. Either way, reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have any problems with the site.

If you use the commenting feature, be aware that I’m notified automatically when a comment is placed in moderation, so there’s no need to alert me by email or in a follow-up comment. I’ll clear comments as soon as I see them, which won’t always be immediately. Thanks for your anticipated patience!

–Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 10/23/16

Godiva Danube (neé Brunhilde Akerman) burst upon our collective consciousness in April 2009 as movie star, equestrienne, wife of country-music legend Rocky Sledge, supporter of Our Brave Troops, and adoptive mother of six refugee children (all now playing nicely with the Thorp kids down at the bottom of the memory hole; don’t forget to toss in some Legos and string cheese as you pass by).

Today, with the Godiva-affiliate wing of the Spencer-Driver empire in literal collapse behind her, she wisely if callously cuts her losses, protects her #Brand, and Gets the Hell out of Dodge. Given the new author’s interest in paring down the cast of characters, this may be the last we’ll see of her. Farewell, Godiva, and thanks for all the cheesecake!

[Caution: video plays oom-pah music. Sincere apologies to Tom Jones.]

Mark Trail, 10/23/16

Heart-stopping killer eyeball plants – for those special times when parasitic flatworms aren’t creepy enough!

Mary Worth, (panels) 10/23/16

Through the dark times of addiction and even prison, you never, ever question your Worth — not if you know what’s good for you, buddy.

Well, my time here is up.

SO UNFAIR.

Josh will be back tomorrow — thanks for a lovely week!

–Uncle Lumpy

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So ends the Fall 2016 Fundraiser. Sincere thanks, generous readers!

Curtis, 10/22/16

Sadly, I’m sure it will work pretty much exactly like this. Curtis will get just big enough to beat up Derrick and the Bully Formerly Known as “Onion” to earn his revenge and his very own quotes. In time, “Barry” will follow to knock “Curtis” violently off his new perch.

But watch your back, “Barry” — “Teddy” is damn sick of you dragging him around, and he’s been working out.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/22/16

“While we can?” Bull earned those concussions, lost memories, and rage attacks, Linda — you think you can just ride along? Get your own damn tragedy — this may be Westview, but they can’t all be taken yet.

Family Circus, 10/22/16

Jeffy vows to entertain his celestial companion by exploring new frontiers of sin. Why is the Keane family such a hotbed of heresy and sacrilege?

— Uncle Lumpy