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Mary Worth and Apartment 3-G, 10/20/07

OH SNAP DR. DREW GOT SERVED AGAIN BY HIS OTHER GIRLFRIEND! See, this is the advantage of dating an older woman: instead of violently lashing out when she’s wronged, she just slips some stilleto-sharp barb right between your emotional ribs. Drew, Vera’s tough because she’s had to endure things you can’t even imagine. Did you know she used to be rich and now she’s not? And then she had to get a job? Clearly she’s not to be trifled with.

On an unrelated note, I’m a little unsettled by Vera’s throw pillows being the exact same awful orange color as he sofa. They’re supposed to complement the piece of furniture, not blend in as if they’re hiding from predators.

The contrast between Vera’s steely, several-weeks-post-breakup resolve and Margo’s floundering hostility is instructive. Obviously our still conspicuously non-engaged gal Magee is not holding things together as well as she’d like us to believe, and Ruby’s little smile shows she knows who has the upper hand in this confrontation. Still, now that Margo has arbitrarily decided that Ruby is her enemy, she can’t back down, so this should be a gloriously amusing conflict. Perhaps she’ll lasso a heartbroken Gina into some sort of Axis of Insensitive Brunette Evil.

Gil Thorp, 10/20/07

Faithful reader Virginia deserves credit for noting the resemblance between this obviously bad news dude (torn-off sleeves? torn-off sleeves?) and Mary Worth’s legendary Tommy the Tweaker. Whether or not he’s an incompetent meth dealer, I’m going to guess that ponytail guy is going to lead poor, vulnerable, prone-to-violence Cully down the wrong path (I mean, torn-off sleeves? Seriously?). In the end, we’ll learn a valuable lesson, which will either be that youthful offenders need to be integrated back into society as quickly as possible to avoid recidivism, or that there is no hope whatsoever for youthful offenders and they need to be put into a dark hole from which they’ll never be able to get out.

I appreciate Cully’s perfectly triangular sandwich in panel one. Does he get his lunch from OCD Deli?

Dick Tracy, 10/20/07

I don’t want to cast aspersions on the intelligence level of the average American, but I’m willing to bet that more people in this country know the name of Britney Spears’ ex-husband than the name of the current governor of the state they live in; therefore, any town in which Dick Tracy and the governor are “celebrities” has got to be either the best educated municipality in America or the most boring (probably both, actually). Still, the managers of this bizarre charity event are right to think that getting the trigger-happy Detective Tracy involved will attract media attention. The banner headline in the local paper the next morning will no doubt read something like “DETECTIVE MISTAKES GOVERNOR FOR GHOST, SHOOTS HIM 148 TIMES”.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/18/07

On days when I don’t get to do a post until very late, I usually don’t even read the comics until I sit down to write my commentary. I do, however, read my readers’ comments, as they’re e-mailed to me as I’m sitting at my computer trying to do real work. Thus if something really wacky is happening somewhere in comics land, I’m forewarned. But no mere description could have prepared me for the awesomeness of today’s Apartment 3-G. I mean, sure, Lu Ann’s look of pleasant vapidity in panel one, Margo’s superciliousness, her vaguely sexual dig at Lu Ann (“Your boyfriend will be working under me … which I’m sure will be a new experience for him, right Blondie McChaste?”) — that’s all easy to envision. But panel three, in which Margo gets her little snide remark in while grabbing her Georgia O’Keefe-brand toaster pastry out of the air without even looking at it — that has to be seen to be believed.

Hey, shouldn’t Ruby be here to defend her poor, brain-damaged cousin with her Texas-sized sass? I guess she’s too busy working under the Professor to notice that she’s needed! Ha ha! Ah, I amuse myself with my ribaldry.

Archie, 10/18/07

oh my god don’t look at the ceiling don’t look at the ceiling DON’T LOOK AT THE CEILING AAAGGGGGHHH

Dennis the Menace, 10/18/07

Technically, Dennis, the only “guy” you hang out with is Joey. I don’t think you have to worry about him out-butching you.

For Better Or For Worse, 10/18/07

A writer and an author? That’s … quite an achievement!

Garfield, 10/18/07

Tomorrow: Garfield and Jon finally put their suicide pact into motion.

Judge Parker, 10/18/07

I haven’t really been able to follow the business and legal implications of the current Judge Parker, since I didn’t get an MBA with a concentration in crazy, plus whenever I try to think about it too hard I keep get distracted by boobs. But I’m pretty sure that when Sam says “steal this land,” he means “offer cash to the land’s owner in an attempt to purchase it.” But hey, what do I know? I’m not a smooth-talking asexual lawyer with a big thatch of exposed chest hair, now am I?

Mary Worth, 10/18/07

Speaking of things that have to be seen to be believed … that is the most bizarre t-shirt ever to appear in Mary Worth — no, in any comic strip, ever. It’s up there with the pinball-playing fish in terms of weirdness. Because they don’t want to offend the bluehairs, it’s impossible for Mary Worth to really tell us how far Drew and Vera’s relationship went, but I’m guessing a sensible gal like Vera would have broken things off if Drew had taken her back to his condo, closed the mauve curtains, and told her to relax as he changed into something more comfortable, and then, just as her eyes settled on the framed picture of a Conestoga wagon and she began to wonder what the hell the deal was with that, he emerged wearing that … thing. Yes, this relationship was doomed from the start.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/16/07

You’d think I’d be disappointed by Margo’s failure to unleash an act of unspeakable violence upon Eric Mills for his failure to marry her, but frankly I’m finding “stiff upper lip/intense self-delusion Margo” even more entertaining than “man-killing Margo” would have been. Lu Ann’s extremely restricted amnesia is also back, because she has clearly forgotten her upcoming art show at the Mills Gallery once again; she wouldn’t look so damn perky if she realized that this nepotistic appointment will put Margo in charge of her and her ex-junkie boyfriend/curator, whom Margo holds in contempt. On the other hand, maybe she’s secretly so despondent about her brain damage that she’s attempting suicide-by-Margo; no one can expect our gal Magee to repress her rage forever, particularly when being needled as she is in panel three. Tommie sees enough blood and broken bones at work, which is why she’s covering her eyes.

Family Circus, 10/16/07

Dolly, ever the kiss-up, has apparently decided that the ants will inevitably emerge victorious in their long war against the human race. She imagines that when she’s prodded by the warriors’ mandibles into the vast breeding chamber, she’ll be able to say to the queen, “Your majesty! I have always been a friend to the ants! I made sure that the choicest morsels that fell to the ground remained there! I favored the ants over my own brood-mates!” But the sinister colony insects don’t understand human qualities like “loyalty” or “forgiveness,” Dolly. You’ll be sucked dry of your nutritive value and used to feed the larvae, just like everyone else.

Judge Parker, 10/16/07

AHHH! PEOPLE! THIS ROBUST, OAKY MERLOT IS MADE OF PEOPLE! YOU’VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/16/07

Nice try, Niki, but Rex Morgan doesn’t use fatties for arm candy. You can have the diet soda, or you can have ninety minutes on the treadmill — your choice.