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Archie, 1/30/13

OK, when it comes to “what year are the Archie reruns from, and what weird violence has been done to the text and art to make them seem vaguely contemporary,” I … I don’t even know anymore? Like, obviously there’s some kind of chronological discontinuity going on here, or else why would Veronica, in a public place, call Archie “on his cell” from what appears to be a wall-mounted pay phone? And yet nothing about the joke makes sense if Archie doesn’t have a portable phone-type device on him. My guess is that in the original version of the strip Archie had a pager, which puts the date probably in the late-ish ’90s. Because there was this whole trend of kids having pagers then, right? Am I remembering that correctly? Or maybe Archie is a drug dealer? And this is why Reggie didn’t sell out Archie immediately, as he normally would, because now he and Archie and Jughead are in a drug gang? The least terrifying drug gang in America?

Gil Thorp, 1/30/13

Have you ever looked at your hand? Like, really looked at your hand? Like, really examined all the weird nubs and fleshy protuberances, and imagined high-fiving someone with an identically freaky hand, big paws just slapping all meatily together, and gone into a gibbering fit where you want nothing so much as to saw your hands off at the wrist, so you never have to look at them again?

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Mary Worth, 1/27/13

A comment of the week from December demanded it, and so it has been done: today’s Mary Worth has provided a genuine cake-decorating-training montage. Feel free to play the theme from Rocky in your head while reading it, or, if you’re feeling saucy and/or 90s nostalgic, Smash Mouth’s “All Star.” Personally, I’m more interested in John’s relaxed, cheerful facial expression as he declares that this is a victory or death situation, and that the Santa Royale Civic Center will either echo with his bellows of triumph or be splattered by an awful melange of batter and blood.

Archie, 1/27/13

“Why do I get the feeling that Riverdale High isn’t going to qualify for Race to the Top funding for innovation in education any time soon? Maybe it’s because our ‘homework’ consists of simple questions on disparate subjects, the answers to which require no critical thinking skills and could easily be looked up on the Internet.”

Panel from Judge Parker, 1/27/13

“And he’s dying!” “Too bad!” Really wish this strip had featured Sam staring bemusedly at a six-figure check because then I could just quit reading Judge Parker and look at this panel every day forever.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/27/13

Haha, yes, the salinity of the Dead Sea, but also COUNT WEIRDLY’S FACE EMERGING FROM A HATCH THAT OPENS IN THE VERY FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE.

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Mark Trail, 1/22/13

Oh boy, you guys, we’re about to see a side of Mark we don’t usually see: Mark Trail, hard-hitting journalist! Rod Bassy is the king of the professional bass fishing circuit. Women want him; men want to be him. Mr Bassy, what’s the secret to your success? “Well, I’m a better fisherman than the others!” It seems that way! Well, I think I got what I came for, let me just take a few pictures of you in your stately home for the cover. This interview will appear in June’s Woods and Wildlife Magazine, and on our website at woodsandwildlifemagazine.biz just as soon as we can find someone who knows how to make a website.

Archie, 1/22/13

I actually find Dilton’s defensiveness in panel two kind of poignant. He’s not absent minded, OK, he’s just not physically coordinated, we can’t all be popular jocks like you Betty, OK? I relate, but he needs to check himself, because wearing the incorrect sporting equipment for a pre-planned recreational outing isn’t so much “absent minded” as “comically dumb.”

Six Chix, 1/22/13

Look, I can’t fault anyone who’s watched the economic gyrations of the past five years for being gun-shy about investing in equities, but even if you’re just going to go with an all-cash portfolio, you don’t need to physically carry it around with you at all times. Go ahead and keep it in under your mattress or in a dresser or something. It’ll be safe there! JPMorgan Chase isn’t going to turn your drawer into synthetic sock-backed derivatives and sell tranches to investors in China and the United Arab Emirates. Probably not, anyway.

Crankshaft, 1/22/13

Haha, Crankshaft is so embarrassed about his compulsive hoarding that he transparently lies about it to his own family! It’s all just about some harmless gardening supplies, though, which is how you can tell that this is the “fun” Funkyverse strip.