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Beetle Bailey, 6/3/15

Hey, remember back in the ’90s, when General Halftrack got sent to sensitivity training due to his nonstop sexual harassment of Miss Buxley? Well, you’d think they would’ve covered the fact that inviting an underling who you want to sleep with to a social “group outing” that when she shows up turns out to just be for the two of you is a classic harasser move.

Phantom, 6/3/15

The Phantom seems to have some interesting priorities when it comes to stealth. He cares enough about it to hang around in full Phantom disguise gear in friend’s dark apartment; on the other hand, he’s just going to casually pick up his friend’s landline and make a call to his kids’ satellite jungle phone, which will presumably (a) be quite expensive and (b) leave a paper trail on his friend’s phone bill. (Also, I’m assuming that “friend” here is a euphemism for “criminal I plan to intimidate by lurking in his darkened apartment until he arrives home,” which is all the more reason he shouldn’t be gabbing on the phone when the dude gets there, probably.)

Gil Thorp, 6/3/15

“Did I know what with the who now? C’mon, I thought I had weeks until the part of the season where I had to pay attention to things!”

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Judge Parker, 5/30/15

Uh oh, looks like there’s already trouble in paradise between Neddy and her handsome designer! It seems that Neddy assumes, based on all evidence she’s been presented with over the course of her post-adoption life, that her half-baked business plan will be an instant success, so she’ll need a lot of inventory right away, and Hank seems irked that he’ll have to make use of the Spencer-Driver clan’s bottomless well of money to handle this! He’s going to be even more upset when finds out that all the employees at this factory are going to be old people and he’s going to have to build everything to accommodate their Rascal scooters.

Beetle Bailey, 5/30/15

I mean … this would be pretty funny comprehensible as a joke if it were a person wildly misinterpreting a doctor’s orders to eat greens? Perhaps someone who’s obsessed with golf, like our General Halftrack? And not an animal that’s already herbivorous? Unless the joke is that Halftrack is so blotto that he’s having a hallucination that he’s talking to a rabbit. That would be hilarious! Wait, no, sad, I mean very very sad.

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Apartment 3-G, 5/29/15

Haha whoops it seems that world-famous movie star Greg failed to ask his ex-girlfriend to dinner and now she will use her power as a mediocre publicist to completely destroy him, which will be very easy to do since he’s a rich and popular celebrity. Angry … vindictive … wildly delusional … Margo’s back, baby!

Beetle Bailey, 5/29/15

“Boy, a lot of the black guys and gals I see on TV are growin’ those Afros again. What’re they for, anyway? Heh, I bet they’re a good place to put those darn whosits, the music thing with the headphones, not a Walkman, the other thing. iPod! That’s it! Hehehehehe!” The preceding is the most old-white-man chain of thought I can imagine, and I am 100% sure it’s what led to today’s Beetle Bailey.

Mary Worth, 5/29/15

Oh God … the way she rests her hand on his lips, trying to gently cram his unwanted proposal back into his mouth … it’s just exquisite. This is everything I wanted from today’s Mary Worth. I am an extremely satisfied customer.