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Beetle Bailey, 8/26/10

Since I’m prone to cruelly mock the comics colorists when they fail to acknowledge even the most obvious of in-strip cues, I feel obliged to praise them for their service and dedication when I see evidence of it. Take today’s Beetle Bailey, for instance. In panel one, Dr. Mustache (I have no idea what this ancillary character’s name is, but since this is Beetle Bailey, it may well actually be “Dr. Mustache”) has clearly been drawn wearing a scoop-necked sweater vest over what, based on the tie, we must presume to be a dress shirt of some kind. The colorists left the shirt white, which makes sense, and colored the vest a sort of teal, which is aesthetically questionable but not outside the realm of possibility.

Then! Panel two! The artist decided to draw Dr. Mustache writing angrily on a clipboard, and then realized that doing so would place the doctor’s hand and pen right in front of the vest’s neckline area, and then decided that drawing in the details behind the hand would just be too hard, and so the doctor is now suddenly wearing some kind of undifferentiated torso-covering garment. But our brave colorist remembers! He or she cannot just forget about the sweater vest from the previous panel, and so heroically draws in a neckline, even doing a bit of detail work on the doctor’s left, all without predrawn lines to serve as a guide. The tie appears to be beyond his or her capabilities, but we must salute the brave attempt to pick up the slack left by the actual strip artist, who, we cannot emphasize enough, is paid good money to draw a strip that will appear in virtually every newspaper in America until the newspaper industry goes out of business completely. So kudos to you, anonymous colorist! Too bad you couldn’t do anything about the incomprehensible punchline.

Apartment 3-G, 8/26/10

Poor Lu Ann, so dim she can’t even recognize the old game of Good Makeover Reality Show Host, Bad Makeover Reality Show Host. Kitty will have her sporting a goth-black brush cut in no time!

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Mark Trail, 8/3/10

Well, this is a disappointment: Mark successfully rescued Sassy from her mustachioed kidnapper without even bothering to clench his fists. Now Sassy is safe and Rusty is happy and Sally and her stray dogs have a new home, but we didn’t get any pleasing cathartic violence to mark the transition to the next story. In fact, when it comes right down to it, our bad guy got off remarkably easy: sure, he didn’t get that big reward he was angling for, but he also didn’t get a fist to the face, and his original goal — to get rid of the old lady next door and her smelly collection of dogs — has actually been achieved!

The real question is: will Sally really be happy out on the farm? Sure, there’s lots of room for her pups to run and play, but it’ll be harder for her to haunt alleyways and compulsively find stray animals to hoard. Plus, once she’s out in the sticks, she can forget about getting Indian food delivered.

Beetle Bailey, 8/3/10

Considering how anachronistic most of the uniforms and equipment are in this strip, it’s fairly realistic to depict Beetle as gazing upon a fairly modern weapon (the M-249 was introduced in 1984!) with a mixture of awe and reverence. Sarge had better hope that Private Bailey doesn’t decide, once he has his hands on an actual killing machine, to turn it on his nearest tormentor — namely, Sarge himself.

Luann, 8/3/10

After last week’s Toni-smelling horror, I’ve never been more glad to see this foursome of losers and their harmless antics. Say, Knute, perhaps it would be best not to draw attention to Gunther, as he attempts to surreptitiously masturbate over by the ladies’ dressing room!

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Mary Worth, 7/29/10

I’m not going to lie to you: the deeper Dr. Mike sinks into misery, the happier I get. Thus I’m nearly ecstatic at the first-panel flashback, in which he mopes sullenly in the rain, having been stood up by his deadbeat dad once again, with only an albino pigeon for company. In panel two we see the present-day man tormented by these visions, and attempting to punch them out of his mind, or at least knock himself out and fall into blessed unconsciousness. Mary, watching over tented fingers, seemed stunned at just how quickly her latest meddle has gotten so awesome.

Momma, 7/29/10

But I don’t want you to think that I wish ill to all inhabitants of the comics pages! For instance, poor Tina is one of the minor characters whose plight I feel most keenly. She’s been exposed to this sort of Oedipal horror for the entire duration of her marriage, but from her crumpled mouth and thousand-mile stare in panel three, I’m thinking that today may be the day when she finally snaps.

Beetle Bailey, 7/29/10

Camp Swampy’s base doctor was a good choice to conduct the terrible medical experiments that the government is secretly carrying out on unwitting human subjects, since he appears to be literally incapable of empathy.

EXCITING CONTEST OPPORTUNITY: You have all probably been wondering “Why is Gil Thorp wasting its time this summer on golf, the most boring sport in existence, without even the fun of Marty Moon being humiliated?” Well, it might have something to do with a little contest being run by the Detroit News, which employs Gil Thorp writer Neal Rubin to write about sports as his day job. Readers vote for a News writer; whoever gets the most votes will get $500 bucks for his or her favorite charity, and one person who voted for the winner will be selected at random to spend some Quality Time with that writer. So obviously you should all vote for Neal, get some cash to Gleaners Community Food Bank, and get in the running to win “a lavish lunch for two with Neal Rubin at one of the area’s best restaurants, or lunch and a round of golf for two with Neal at Plum Hollow Country Club in Southfield.” If you play golf with him, you must dress up as Ben Franklin and keep trying to get him to bet on the game. DO IT! VOTE NOW! (Thanks to faithful reader jvwalt for the tip!)