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Slylock Fox, 3/15/21

I’ll save you the trouble of flipping your monitor upside-down and reveal the answer to today’s mystery: Slylock checked Weirdly’s pulse, revealing that his heart was beating at a normal rate and he couldn’t possibly have just finished up some vigorous jogging — and, of course, under Forest Law, invalidating an alibi is the same thing as proving guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. But the real tragedy here isn’t the usual miscarriage of justice, and it isn’t some lightly singed fur. It’s that Count Weirdly no longer gets a thrill out of his sinister laser-based pranks, or even from doing a quick change into absurd-looking “jogging” gear into to avoid punishment. His usual antics leave him feeling nothing, just dead inside. Maybe he does need some time alone in jail — not as punishment for his mostly harmless “crimes,” but for some self-reflection about what might really get his heart pumping again.

Blondie, 3/15/21

Speaking of people for whom the thrill is gone, I’m not going to say that dressing up in Roman garb and shouting “I am Julius Caesar!” on March 15 is the most obvious way to tell the world that you’re sick of living and want someone else to end it all for you, but it’s got to be reasonably high on the list.

Dustin, 3/15/21

Oh, man, if you’ve grown tired of the endless Boomer vs. Millennial (or, fine, Gen X vs. Zoomer) warfare in Dustin, how about we spice things up by adding Dustin’s dad’s (let’s say) Silent Generation-era dad to the mix! The important question for figuring out the dynamic: Is he an asshole too? All signs point to yes!

Crankshaft, 3/15/21

I sincerely hope that several hours have passed between the second and third panel here. Maybe even a whole day!

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Crankshaft, 3/14/21

I’m not sure who over at Funkyco decided that Sunday strips are now going to be dedicated to the gang ruminating on their own incipient dementia, or what that says about their opinion of Sunday comics readers. I myself would describe this strategy as “insultingly on the nose.”

Panel from The Lockhorns, 3/14/21

The best thing about this panel is that the musician is sitting less than a foot away from Leroy and can absolutely hear everything he’s saying.

Beetle Bailey, 3/14/21

Ha ha, it’s funny because Sarge knows that people like Beetle and don’t like him, and it’s tearing him up inside!

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Crankshaft, 3/11/21

OK, so we’ve been having a bit of fun with “The current run of Crankshaft strips were probably written in the early days of the pandemic, with somewhat amusing results.” But I think we can all agree that it’s a little uncanny that, in the year-ago writing strategy sessions, Funkyco decided that by March 2021 necessary post-pandemic fiscal stimulus would be held up by partisan legislative wrangling. Like, it wouldn’t have been impossible to predict, but I’m honestly pretty impressed — impressed enough that I was going to forgive today’s strip for neglecting to actually include a joke, until I remembered that mixing together two common and semantically related turns of phrase counts as a “joke” in Crankshaft.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/11/21

God, think about how sad it is to have a little kid visualize her dad wearing vaguely old-timey clothes while talking to his boring-ass real-life friends vague acquaintances, and saying that represents her “imagination run[ning] wild.” Guess that head injury was even worse than we thought, huh?

Mary Worth, 3/11/21

In other news, I’ve figured out what the absolute grossest phrase you can use while flirting is, and it’s “The dogs are chowing down … and now it’s our turn!”

Pluggers, 3/11/21

TIRED: Pluggers represent the “forgotten man” (and woman), the ones who keep their heads down and keep this country running despite tough times and the disdain of the elites.

WIRED: Pluggers have mastered the technology to send their enemies to the Phantom Zone. They experimented on their own parents to hone this weapon and will surely show us no mercy!