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Crankshaft, 11/9/16

I think I speak for all Americans when I say I’m glad this election is over with! Now we can get back to normal, everyday life: instead of having to listen to Crankshaft rant about how all politicians are criminals, we get to listen to him rant about how women these days all dress like whores.

Mary Worth, 11/9/16

Because I’m a monster, the first thing I thought of after reading Wilbur saying “We could explore the world together” is that would be funny if he followed it up with “…you know, sexually.” Because I hate myself, I then thought, “Are there other Wilbur quotes that would be equally funny ending with ‘…you know, sexually’?” And because I’m dedicated to bringing the real truth about the comics pages to you, I went through my archives to test my hypothesis:

• “I don’t want to live life painted into a corner … you know, sexually.”
• “My interview subjects were very gracious … you know, sexually.”
• “Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you … you know, sexually.”
• “We’re back to the scene of the crime … you know, sexually.”
• “I shouldn’t be alive … but I am! … you know, sexually.”

Yup, it checks out!

Mark Trail, 11/9/16

Wait, are we just going to watch this helicopter explode over and over again, from different angles, while Cal looks on in horror? Because I wouldn’t be opposed to that, exactly.

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Hi and Lois, 11/6/16

This is one of my weird comics fixations and maybe it’s a cultural blind spot for me, but: is there anywhere in suburban America, like where the Flagstons or the Bumsteads live, where people regularly let their dogs roam about, unfenced and unleashed and unsupervised, at night? I get that this is a thing that happens in rural areas, but Hi and Lois don’t live in a rural area. I get that this is a thing that happened in, like, the ’50s, maybe, but Hi and Lois don’t live there either. Is this just some ossified institutional memory thing, where Dawg has always wandered free at night, and Walker-Brown Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC doesn’t want to change the continuity now? Or have I somehow magically managed to live only in the parts of the country where keeping your dog indoors at night, or at least fenced in a yard, is the social norm? (For what it’s worth, in my current neighborhood there’s an extra incentive to do so, what with the roaming coyotes.)

Judge Parker, 11/6/16

In the aftermath of her extremely public humiliation, Neddy has done the only sensible thing: flee to Alaska with her hunky lover, refusing all communication with her shattered family! It would be a hilarious narrative shift if, after a few weeks of rapid plot developments under new writer Ces Marciuliano, we just spend the next six to eight months with Neddy sipping coffee, looking wistfully out over the permafrost, and not answering her phone.

Crankshaft, 11/6/16

Ahhh, Crankshaft in a nutshell: Ed loudly subjects a room full of people to his opinion, talking to nobody in particular and neither noticing nor caring that nobody’s talking back to him!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/31/16

On today, Satan’s favorite holiday, Snuffy Smith makes a big show of his contempt for God!

Crankshaft, 10/31/16

Crankshaft serves a vital role in his community, but he’s so bad at his job that some of the people who depend on him angrily vandalized his house!

Dennis the Menace, 10/31/16

Mr. Wilson has no qualms about telling Dennis that he believes the child to be a literal demon, from hell!

Hi and Lois, 10/31/16

Dot and Ditto are trying to bring a divided nation together politically, but their candy-based tax proposals will lead to economic ruin!

Mary Worth, 10/31/16

Wilbur definitely will not be regretting spending the next year far, far away from his sad sack daughter and his girlfriend who wants to spend all her time closely monitoring her pill-popping son!