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Family Circus, 1/31/08

So you’re telling me that Billy’s day at school consisted of him wildly swinging chairs around as teachers and school administrators swarmed on him, desperately trying to calm him, and you’re showing us the moment hours later when he just strolls into the house? You’re telling me that his classroom was a scene of carnage, with broken noses and black eyes and many tears, and you spent your energy drawing the bits of snow clinging to Billy’s sneakers? You’re telling me that he spent the afternoon with a school psychiatrist, desperately trying to figure out just what motivates this ticking time bomb, and you’re giving us a little mixed-games gag? Well screw you, Family Circus, for ruining all my good times.

Dennis the Menace, 1/31/08

This joke has been brought to the present by an experimental time travel device from the year 1952!

Pluggers, 1/31/08

I don’t really feel a need to go into today’s Pluggers joke — like so many others, it boils down to “pluggers are old” — but it’s worth noting that it was submitted by “Tom Furrh.” Do you think that with Tom’s last name he found himself strangely drawn to read and submit to the Pluggers strip? I’m surprised there weren’t more TDIET entries from people named things like “Bob Gripe” or “Sally Misplacedrage.”

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Crock, 1/20/08

I’m less concerned about the ever-hapless Figowitz than I am for the fish. I realize that fish don’t have eyelids, but the poor beastie’s little frownie face makes it look as if he’d been pumped full of air (or something — is that a caulk gun?) and then sent on to Crock for consumption while still alive. Worse, he’s been treated in some devilish way that has allowed him to pass through the cooking process from scaly gray to golden brown while remaining inflated. I’d look unhappy too, I think.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 1/20/08

I’m kind of at a loss to explain the throwaway panels in today’s Dennis the Menace. Are they some kind of allegory on international politics? Margaret in her beret represents the Europeans, who spend much of their GNP on social programs and can’t understand why the Americans (represented by Dennis in his blue jacket and red-and-white striped hat) invest so heavily in “ammunition” (i.e. defense programs). Will the two sides ever learn to see eye to eye? Or will Dennis just paste Margaret in the back of the head?

Mary Worth, 1/20/08

Dr. Drew, you show us all that chivalry isn’t dead! He’s well aware that his checked sports coat is a aesthetic crime against all that is good and holy, but he’s also seen how Vera dresses, and he knows that a gentleman always makes sure that his lady isn’t wearing the ugliest thing in the room.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/8/08

The current Rex Morgan plotline got exciting some weeks back and, as is ever the case when that happens, I immediately lost interest. I discussed this phenomenon, which I call The Rex Morgan Problem, a while back, and here it comes around again just like clockwork. I think part of the problem is that “exciting” is really not something these strips do well. Ludicrous? Overwrought? Brimming with unspoken and petty resentments? Cryptohomoerotic? Yes, yes, yes, and you’d better believe that’s a yes. Exciting? Not so much.

Anyway, speaking of unspoken resentments, I do kind of love Niki’s expression in panel three. To quickly sum up several weeks of ostensibly exciting developments, Niki was briefly left alone in the cabin with one the escaped prisoners, who tried to relate to him as a fellow lowlife and offered him some stolen cash to switch sides; Niki refused because of his fear of letting Rex down. In today’s final panel, he looks to be contemplating the fact that right now he could be (a) warm, (b) dry, (c) rich, and (d) about to be embarking on an awesome cross-country crime spree instead of trudging through the dark, wet woods with a sullen and vaguely creepy doctor.

Spider-Man, 1/8/08

Speaking of non-exciting “excitement,” Spider-Man has actually toyed with superhero-on-villain action for the past few days. I refuse to label the Persuader a “supervillain” despite his descriptive one-word name, because he wears street clothes and his only “power” is his unusual stature; still, he’s proved more than a match for Spidey, escaping from his spiderwebs and failing to get in the way of the web-slinger’s wildly misdirected web-slinging. Maybe it’s time to admit that Peter Parker’s longstanding refusal to fight crime or even get off of the couch comes not from laziness or apathy but of a crippling fear of exactly this sort of inevitable failure and humiliation. The self-esteem issues that would naturally arise go a long way towards explaining his eternal passive-aggressive attitude towards any hint of his wife’s success.

Dennis the Menace, 1/8/08

The teacher in green’s wide, crazy eyes are more terrifyingly menacing than anything Dennis has done in my lifetime. She looks like she’s about to go on a killing spree, and, even more troubling, that she’ll testify that Dennis’ fairly tame caricature spoke to her and told her which of her students should live and which should die.

Gil Thorp, 1/8/08

“Frankly, it smacks of math. And the last thing I want my players wasting their time with is math. That’s why we have the poindexters who sit at the scorer’s table!”