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Archive: Dick Tracy

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Soapy Monday

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Mary Worth, 1/11/16

A good way to tell the difference between an actual human child and one or more small alien beings using a human-shaped meatsack as a disguise is the way they talk. For instance, do they start a sentence with the phrase “Being a kid” and end it with “window shopping”? Then they probably aren’t actually a kid. Anyway, it’s nice to see that Mary is going to reward Olive (or GleepGlorp 7, whoever) for giving a dollar to a homeless guy with an extravagant spending spree at New York’s finest, dowdiest boutiques.

Spider-Man, 1/11/16

Usually Newspaper Spider-Man is the dumbest guy in any given situation, but let’s give a shout-out to Namor, who has abandoned his plan to win his war against the surface dwellers by destroying New York with a nigh-unstoppable flying submarine, and instead will just be fighting a one-man battle against Spider-Man, which seems like a slightly less viable long-term strategy for conquest. In his favor, literally everyone assumes Spider-Man will lose.

Dick Tracy, 1/11/16

Ok, I know cute on-the-nose names are very much the core of Dick Tracy’s #brand, but “Spicy Condiment” is a bridge too God-damned far, my friends. How does it even relate to her character design? With her gleaming teeth, shouldn’t she be named “Minty Fresh” or something? This bothers me so much.

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Margo in a coma/ I know, I know/ It’s serious

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Dick Tracy, 10/17/15

Oh, so … all the Neo-Chicago police are dirty, not just Sam? I guess this is probably some kind of parallel universe situation where up is down and good is bad. Will “Boss Tracy” have a goatee? Does hair even grow out of his razor-sharp chin?

Apartment 3-G, 10/17/15

Look, Apartment 3-G, you’ve committed to the Big Reveal of this storyline being Margo’s glandular condition, so stop trying to make it seem more bad-ass and metal by throwing around terms like “thyroid storm”. The lack of an article before the phrase makes it extra ominous! Anyway, Margo’s unconscious and Eric’s not a medical professional, but he needs to get out of the blue void he’s currently in and get into the blue void where Margo is — now.

Spider-Man, 10/17/15

Oh man, those bureaucrats at the United Nations just got burned by this scathing “not” joke from Newspaper Spider-Man! Anyway, this paid native viral marketing was a weird way for John Bolton to launch his surprise presidential bid, but I’m not going to tell him how to do his business.

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Those pin-hole pupils … he’s hepped up on goofballs, I tells ya

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Dick Tracy, 10/16/15

Wait, what? Beloved Dick Tracy sidekick Sam Catchem is suddenly a crazy-eyed, murderous dirty cop now, for values of “murderous” and “dirty” outside even the Tracyverse’s rather expansive ideas of police power? This is a guy who Dick spends Hanukkah with, so he’s gonna feel extra betrayed. Unless … normally Sam wears leprechaun green, but today he’s wearing a purple version of his usual outfit, which could mean this is an “evil twin” situation, or that the colorists just forgot. Sam was impersonated by Putty Puss in the ’80s, and Putty Puss showed up in Current Iteration Dick Tracy back in 2011, but I can’t remember if they caught him or not. Anyway, clearly I am hoping that Things Are Not What They Seem, because as a representative of the Chosen People it would greatly sadden me if yet another comic strip gave in to the stereotype that Jews are all freckled, bowler-hat-wearing policemen working on the side as mob enforcers.

Gasoline Alley, 10/16/15

Oh, good, Skeezix’s stove problem has been fixed by Walt Wallet, a senile World War I veteran. This strip has long faced the difficulty of aging its cast in real-time even though they’ve been in newspapers since the Harding administration, so I commend its creative team for deciding that, instead of having each die in turn of old age, they’re just going to wipe them all out at once in an enormous gas explosion.

Apartment 3-G, 10/16/15

Little-known fact: your thyroid is where your body stores your anxiety about your parents’ relationship. That’s its main function. Think twice about arguing in front of your children, if you care about their glandular health.