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Beetle Bailey, 8/14/14

It’s kind of amazing that Otto is perfectly capable of understanding symbolic language — for instance, he knows that fire hydrants are a longstanding visual shorthand for dog urination in our culture, even though no dog urinates exclusively on fire hydrants — and yet he somehow can’t figure out how to go to the bathroom in a toilet.

Dick Tracy, 8/14/14

These movie assignations are actually a cover for Dick and Annie to discuss their escape from Weird Maybe Time-Travel Island, but still, the idea that an adult police officer would help break a tween girl’s crush on him by literally taking her on dates is pretty gross! Haha, but everyone in ThePastBurg wants to get into Officer Tracy’s pants, so it’s totally OK.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/14/14

Hey, remember a couple days ago when I said Les’s fantasy sequence would be mildly more interesting than the whole Lisa’s Story movie plotline? Well, that was before I knew it would involve sexy ladies trying to get Les to have sex with them! Now it’s grosser, and not just mildly grosser.

Mark Trail, 8/14/14

Mark trail is such a dedicated naturalist that he’s going to make sure you know what kind of python this is, before, under duress and with great respect and sadness, he’s forced to slice off its head.

Wizard of Id, 8/14/14

In a cross-promotion of the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week that I’m sadly certain is entirely unpaid, the Wiz in Wizard of Id has turned himself into a shark! A shark that yearns for shark-sex with lady sharks. The intersection of monogamy and animagery is in fact deeply complex.

Pluggers, 8/14/14

The most common use a plugger has for computers is figuring out how to poop more easily.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/7/14

When Snuffy goes to play cards, we usually see aces sicking out of his hat or various other parts of his clothing, and I’ve always assumed that we aren’t supposed to take this literally — that is, these cards aren’t actually visible to the other characters; rather, it’s a symbolic tip-off to the reader that Snuffy is a swindler. I certainly hope that’s the case, anyway, because otherwise Snuffy is laughing in his best friend’s face about looming domestic discord, and not even hiding the very large and dishonest role he played in precipitating the crisis.

Dick Tracy, 8/7/14

Sure, Dick is on a mysterious island that’s only a day or so drive away from Neo-Chicago and may have been mysteriously sent back into the past, and that’s all totally realistic, but there’s an obvious plot hole here, which is: wouldn’t he have sent an email to his wife at some point? Well, she couldn’t get email because their ISP had a virus, OK? Problem: solved.

Gil Thorp, 8/7/14

Just last year Gil Thorp made a delightful return to its usual insane summer storylines with a tale of Gil’s creative collaboration with a senile pro wrestler, which makes this summer’s plot all the most depressingly banal by comparison. There’s a star quarterback who might be considering coming to Milford? That’s it, that’s literally it, and today, in what’s definitely a shocking twist, he falls down and twists his ankle while trying to fish his phone out of his pocket. Can you taste the thrills? Still, let it be a lesson to you: cargo jorts aren’t just hideous, they’re actively dangerous.

Herb and Jamaal, 8/7/14

Herb’s pal Ernie is trying to open up and give some real talk about tough time’s he’s having in his life! Herb replies with a mean, corny joke, because he’s terrified of intimacy, and is also kind of a dick.

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Dick Tracy, 7/22/14

Oh yeah, Diet Smith and “Daddy” Warbucks are both working on time-travel projects, just to simplify things. And Dick’s left-behind wrist wizard IS OF NO POSSIBLE USE IN FINDING HIM, so everybody please stop noticing when Smith brings it up nonstop 24/7, okay?

But the really charming thing about this strip is Sam’s tantrum. Plutocrats Diet Smith and “Daddy” Warbucks use Dick Tracy’s shadow army to protect and conceal their secret worldwide totalitarian superstate, but when push comes to shove it’s always Sam bustin’ perps and crackin’ skulls. Sure, he helped patrol the sector during the Moon Years, but chasing crooks down the Corridors of Time is just too damn much work, and if you try to pull that “it can’t be overtime if it’s in the past” crap, you are definitely gonna hear from his union rep.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/22/14

Comic John doesn’t really listen when people talk: “Garage Con? Yeah, my friend has those!” Any more “storage/solitude” and “book/bat” wordplay, though, and Holly will tune him out, too.

Judge Parker, 7/22/14

“Well let’s see, because she’s a 23-year-old who’s still drawing princess dresses and whose idea of running a factory is screaming at an immigrant seamstress, ‘You call this a flounce?’”

Ha ha Abby saw the title of this article, but couldn’t be bothered to read it.

— Uncle Lumpy