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Hello, everyone, I have returned to my comics mocking duties! Everyone who gave to the summer fundraiser will be getting a personal thank you note, but I want to send everyone a huge public thank-you now, and also send a huge thanks to the always amazing Uncle Lumpy (and his pal Turtle Carl) for filling in for me on the site!

Mary Worth, 9/7/21

Big Mary Worth news always seems to happen in my absence. In this case, it was Wilbur getting dumped, which was almost as emotionally violent as the big gangland shootout I missed back in 2009. As usual, I’m just left with the hilarious aftermath, which in this case is Wilbur “lamenting” his situation, if strutting angrily around the perfectly manicured Santa Royale grounds with clenched fists absolutely seething about how his girlfriend dumped him just because he was an asshole counts as a “lament.”

Dick Tracy, 9/7/21

In Dick Tracy, meanwhile, we have a couple new masked playing card themed villains to deal with, and frankly I think keeping their masks on while just hanging around their lair/office shooting the shit may be overcommitting to the bit somewhat, unless Diet Smith’s Time Drone really can spy on anyone, anywhere, in which case they’re the first people to catch on to the new reality where we’re all going to be wearing ski masks all the time now.

Marvin, 9/7/21

I had to go back to the strips from my vacation to make sure there wasn’t a Marvin plot where Jenny got pregnant or something, but no, there’s no real context for this strip, in which Jeff and Jenny are lying in bed staring at the ceiling in horror at the thought that another hell-child might someday join the hell-child they currently have. So I assume that we’re seeing the moment just after they almost gave into their lustful marital urges but resisted at the last minute because the prospect of creating a Marvin-sibling, despite what I assume are multiple medical interventions to prevent such an accursed outcome, once again snuffed their arousal out.

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So ends the 2021 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser! Thank you, everybody!

Mark Trail, 9/4/21

It’s charming that with Mark’s long-running Woods and Wildlife gig at an end, Rusty and Cherry act as guides to his new wilderness of freelance work, relationships, and social media. And reassuring that Cherry never, ever shows him Twitter.

Lockhorns, 9/4/21

Loretta, it’s like you haven’t been paying attention the past fifty-three years.

Gasoline Alley, 9/4/21

Oh look, it’s Boog and Aubee, scions of the dead-eyed Skinner couple, Rover and Hoogy, recapping the story of Aubee’s sylvan birth. “Aubee?”, you ask, “What kind of name is that?” Well, upon delivering her, “Chipper” Wallet, who by the way is a PHYSICIAN’S ASSISTANT, exclaimed, “Well I’ll be! You have a beautiful, healthy baby girl.” Hoogy immediately named her daughter “Aubee,” because she pays as little attention to her children as we’d like to.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/4/21

Gah, it is so on-message for a high school in Funky Winkerbean to have a teachers’ “workroom” instead of a lounge, even though we’ve never seen anybody doing anything more strenuous there than drinking coffee, nor more intellectually demanding than complaining with those mopey little half-mouths of theirs.

Anyway, the white-haired guy with the lame bon mot is Jim Kablichnik. Everybody knows somebody like Jim Kablichnik. It’s a shame, really.

Dick Tracy, 9/4/21

Now I’m no history scholar like Josh, but I’m pretty sure history will still be a thing of the past even when we get better tools to investigate it. But don’t let me rain on Ace’s parade: he’s an official cigar-smoking member of The Apparatus at last!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Dick Tracy, 9/2/21

So this guy who may or may not be “Little” Notting a.k.a Ace of Spades snuck into Apparatus HQ with a plan for world domination using Diet Smith’s Time Drone. The Apparatus can be the first to steal it! Of course that won’t do any good, since the second outfit to steal it will send it right back in time to foil the original theft!

I can’t wait for Diet Smith’s press conference to be interrupted by an endless parade of stolen Time Drones, all crashing into one another and dropping to the floor, burying Diet under an enormous pile of broken Time Drones until he cancels the presser so the first Time Drone is never introduced. At that point, of course, the whole pile of stolen drones will disappear, leaving Diet sitting alone on the floor with a busted cigar in his mouth and a stupid look on his face. That’s the way this stuff works, right?

Daddy Daze, 9/2/21

Aw, Daddy wants to make sure Angus eats his vegetables!

Baby Blues, 9/2/21

Yes, Wanda—but you’re the one who chose the mullet. And from appearances, Darryl’s still wearing it; it’s just on backwards.

And OK, I know this will be a back-to-school “Zoe runs for class president” arc, but may we please have “The Press digs into Wanda’s past” next? Please? I’m sure it’s a treasure trove of erotic depravity.

Speaking of which, did we miss the Wedding of the Century?

9 Chickweed Lane, 9/1/21 (panel)

There you go. Now on to the important stuff:

9 Chickweed Lane, 9/2/21

I guess we won’t get to see if Seth’s ex Mark is bawling his eyes out in a back pew, throwing Seth’s clothing out his apartment window, or waiting in a red Alfa Duetto just outside.

Judge Parker, 9/2/21

A pattern is emerging in Judge Parker. Once a building—Sophie’s kidnap house, Neddy’s factory, Abbey’s Bed and Breakfast— outlives its usefulness it blows up, sinks into the earth, or burns down. Cavelton urban renewal! Abbey’s just upset that the job hasn’t been properly done: it is just so damn hard to find good help these days!

Josh’s favorite Salmon Square!

— Uncle Lumpy