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Mary Worth, 3/21/17

Ah, yes, just as predicted, Jeff would rather annoy his daughter and son-in-law than spend time with Mary on what I’m sure is a fully ADA-accessible cruise ship, which means that gal time on the high seas is go! I do like that Jeff thinks to ask if Ian is going too. Maybe’s hoping to lure the good Professor over to drink all of Adrian and Scott’s scotch and get some bro-bonding in! Sadly, Ian is out of town, so we won’t get to find out the depths of contempt in which ol’ Chinbeard holds Dr. Corey, who chose to use his doctorate to tend to vile human bodies, as opposed to plumbing the depths of English and Scots literature, as a creature pure mind would.

Family Circus, 3/21/17

It’s true: the smooth, pink, undifferentiated pink loaf-like material that makes up the Keane Kids’ bodies, now fully on display as we see them here with their shirts off, takes a while to absorb the Nutrient Fluid the technician is injecting into them. Remember kids, your weekly tune-up keeps your ghastly simulacrum of life vaguely believable!

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Crock, 3/20/17

You might think this is just a typical cartoon where a lonely desert-dwelling child’s only friend is a freakish buzzard. But, not so! Check out Little Otis’s blank, pupil-less stare in the second panel. That buzzard isn’t his friend at all; it’s hypnotizing him. Imagine “How should I introduce you to my mom, Wadsworth?” spoken in an eerie monotone. The only introducing that’s going to happen will come once Otis, under Wadsworth’s mesmerizing gaze, murders his parents and “introduces” the foul carrion eater to their delicious corpses.

Slylock Fox, 3/20/17

Hey, sinister grinning bear (?) lumberjacks: instead of stealing this poor beaver’s trees, have you considered recruiting him, for a good-paying job in the lumberjack industry that apparently still exists in this animal-ruled world? Honestly, how is it that in the animal economy there’s a single lumber company that isn’t entirely beaver-staffed?

Family Circus, 3/20/17

It’s bad, in the sense that it’s supposed to be “on fleek” (and I’m 100% sure the Family Circus isn’t clever enough to intend this to be an error either on Billy’s or Big Daddy Keane’s part), and also in the sense that the Family Circus shouldn’t be doing jokes about the phrase “on fleek.” Just bad all around. Bad bad bad.

Spider-Man, 3/20/17

Given that Rocket Raccoon isn’t well known on the version of Earth that has the misfortune to be depicted in Newspaper Spider-Man, I love that the lower word balloon in the second panel ends in an exclamation point. You’d think that the cop would say “Spider-Man — and a raccoon???? [comical BOI-OI-OING sound effect],” but nope, he’s just accepting this as yet another one of life’s passing mysteries.

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Family Circus, 3/12/17

Here’s what you know about the emotional lives of the two younger Keane Kids: Jeffy makes the tiniest noise as he gets into the cookie jar and all he can hear is deafening guilt and anxiety ringing through his skull; meanwhile, PJ contemplates the idea that each of his toes might be a distinct little smiling nightmare creature with cool equanimity.

Beetle Bailey, 3/12/17

Glad to see that Beetle Bailey is continuing to up its game when it comes to Sarge and Beetle’s perverse relationship! Today’s throwaway panels reveal that Beetle definitely views Sarge’s binges as a spectacle for his enjoyment. He plans to nibble on kale and wait for Sarge to come back to him at the end of his gorging process, wobbly and maybe a little nauseous. Hot stuff!