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Archie, 9/28/12

Rarely have I ever wanted to know more about the backstory to a two-panel Archie newspaper comic rerun from the mid-to-late ’90s than I do today. Based on this snooty waiter’s fancy outfit, I’m assuming our Riverdale teens have decided to skip Pop’s today and instead test their culinary palette at some upscale dining establishment. (They’re clearly so used to eating at the diner counter that they’ve gathered awkwardly on one side of the table.) But why? And now that they’re here, do they feel underdressed or otherwise class-anxious, or are they oblivious to the socioeconomic factors at play? And then of course there’s the question of whether Chez Elitist has a fancy-food buffet at fancy-food prices, or if the waiter is just attempting to get Archie and the gang to finally feel shame by shoving their proletarian desires to gorge themselves in their faces, hoping they’ll slink out without further embarrassing the swells.

Apartment 3-G, 9/28/12

I’m really sorry I didn’t discuss yesterday’s Apartment 3-G, in which Lu Ann spent a languorous bubble bath thinking about her date with Greg, because if I had I’d have more context for talking about how very rapidly this strip is turning into a porno — specifically, if Evan’s stiff, awkward posture is any indication, a porno acted out entirely by Barbie and Ken dolls wearing the least interesting outfits that Mattel sells.

Family Circus, 9/28/12

“I glad God hasn’t disappeared in a puff of my own doubts yet, leaving me bereft of moral purpose and unable to come up with any course of action beyond one that indulges my most immediate and basest desires!”

Luann, 9/28/12

Guys, what do you suppose it’s like, spending time and effort to draw a sexy teenage girl, lavishing loving detail on her revealing clothes and her cleavage and crotch, then creating a storyline for her that aims to prove that she deserves ill treatment because of the sexy way you drew her? Probably pretty exhausting, right?

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Herb and Jamaal, 9/26/12

How much salt do you generally consume when someone plays the old “salt in the sugar bowl” trick on you? Like, significantly less than a spoonful, most of which you end up spitting out because whatever you intended to put sugar on tastes repulsive with salt on it, right? Can you imagine how many times someone would have to do this to you to cause any real increase in your blood pressure? Like, every day, for years. It’s actually much more likely that Jamaal’s blood pressure is up because his business partner and supposed best friend is a vicious prankster, and it’s extremely stressful wondering when the next “hilarious” gag will cause him physical discomfort and/or bodily harm.

Family Circus, 9/26/12

Good lord, what sort of violent, Keane-persecuting hellscape lies outside the walls of the Kompound? Quick, everyone, let’s seal ourselves in the basement! It’s the only way to be safe!

Hi and Lois, 9/26/12

Hey, everybody, it’s a Curtis-Hi and Lois crossover! Because if there’s one thing we all associate with Curtis, it’s the meticulous curation of unopened classic toys. Remember, there’s no better way to tip your hat to your fellow cartoonists than to use one of their character designs but then completely ignore any of the personality traits they’ve developed for that character!

Apartment 3-G, 9/26/12

“Right here, just below my eyeball. Remember, Greg, this is the most erotic spot on a woman’s face. Now lick it. LICK IT!” Ladies, Lu Ann is showing how you can ensure that a date’s refusal to come up to your apartment won’t be so polite next time.

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Lockhorns, 9/21/12

Loretta staring forlornly at Leroy’s paycheck as she cracks wise about his financial inadequacies is part of her shtick now, of course, just as most of the Lockhorns’ interactions with each other can be reduced to a formula aimed at emotionally destruction, repeated in endless permutations as the situation demands. Still, you’d think she’d at least make the pretense that she’s actually surprised by how little money he makes and open the envelope before making fun of it. Maybe Leroy should switch to direct deposit and deny her the use of her prop.

Family Circus, 9/21/12

We can all tell by looking at them that the Keane Kids are monstrous genetic anomalies, but now it seems that Jeffy’s deformed body is falling apart internally. Poor little mutant! You were never meant to be!