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Archive: Family Circus

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Just because you can see the future doesn’t give you license to be so melodramatic, in my opinion

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The Phantom, 6/23/21

I know the Phantom has seen a lot in his decades as a superhero (and, by proxy, in his 20 previous incarnations) and has therefore earned the right to be a little blasé about things that would make the rest of us quiver with terror. Still, I gotta say that his facial expression in today’s strip is a little less a blind seer telling him “YOU DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE, O GHOST WHO WALKS” and a little more “gosh, I hadn’t considered bundling my home and auto insurance, thanks for the tip.”

Beetle Bailey, 6/23/21

Miss Buxley being Beetle’s girlfriend is a relatively recent development in this strip, and we’ve probably all thought that he doesn’t deserve her, but seeing that she’s wandered out into a field, wearing heels, in an attempt to keep Beetle from practicing a fairly important skill for a soldier, it’s pretty clear he really doesn’t deserve her and actually she might be somewhat misguided.

Family Circus, 6/23/21

He may not be the most skilled, but one of these tries he’s going to hit it and everyone will finally be able to wrap this up and go back inside. (I’m talking about Big Daddy Keane hitting Jeffy’s head, of course. Look how close he came! I believe in you, Bil, you can do it next time!)

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FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT FOR DR. DREW’S LOVE

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Mary Worth, 6/14/21

Oh hell yeah, it’s Shauna, everybody! Surely you’ve remembered Jeff’s little story about Drew’s ex Shauna, who was wild and demanding and also liked to steal stuff. Now she’s standing in front of the People’s Clinic bold as brass, looking all sexy in an … off the shoulder … sweatshirt? … and two tone bike shorts? … anyway, it’s simultaneously completely insane and also makes Ashlee look like a God-damned nun. Do you think that Shauna is here to provide a good role model to Ashlee of a grifter who truly commits to the bit? I hope so! Shauna went to jail, Ashlee! If she finds out you returned Drew’s watch because you felt bad about his dead mom, she’ll laugh in your face.

Shoe, 6/14/21

One thing you gotta respect about Shoe is that its cast of bird-people is just obviously crushingly depressed at all times, whether they’re slouching in front of the TV or getting out into nature in an attempt get some fresh air and maybe to feel something. Anyway, the good news is that if the Perfesser and his nephew ultimately die of exposure, the meat in their backpacks will rot before their flesh, so they won’t be too decomposed when the dogs find their bodies.

Family Circus, 6/14/21

I was about to be outraged by this blatant anti-American parody, but then I realized Jeffy wasn’t pledging allegiance to the Stars and Stripes at all, but rather to the Thin Black Line flag, which honors our referees, umpires, and other sporting officials, so I guess I can’t complain too much.

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Wasn’t stealing his heart enough for you???

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Mary Worth, 5/30/21

Remembrer, folks: if you’re an attractive older woman who’s hit it off with an age-appropriate man you meet online, that man is definitely a fake account set up to catfish you. And if you’re a charming bald middle-aged American and you’re romanced by a statuesque Colombian beauty, it’s 100% certain you’re being sex-grifted. And if you’re a handsome young doctor with a reasonably high-profile Instagram and you fall into a hot fling with a sexy young waitress? Well, you’d better believe you’re about to have your watch stolen. Sorry, Drew, that’s just what you get for allowing yourself to feel sexual arousal! Why can’t you be more like your dad and Mary, who barely spend any time together, or Toby and Ian, who absolutely can’t stand one another?

Crankshaft, 5/30/21

In today’s Crankshaft, the title character spends the entire strip writhing wordlessly in pain. Yes, his daughter feels a need to step in and take on the family wordplay duties, but please don’t let that distract you from this strip’s central pleasure.

Family Circus, 5/30/21

Wow, looks like the Keane tradition of having adult men in the family is over, huh? That’s all in the past. The future is just weird, ugly little kids as far as the eye can see.