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Today is Christmas Eve, and as Christians prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus, we need to ask our selves: which comic has blasphemed the most heinously today?

Beetle Bailey, 12/24/19

Is it Beetle Bailey, which posits that every being in the universe, every soul, is encompassed by God’s love … except for one person, who, for reasons nobody can explain, remains forever out of reach of His redemptive grace?

Family Circus, 12/24/19

Is it Family Circus, where the two younger Keane Lads seem to believe that if they dress like Jesus, they can be like Jesus, and also think they’re not allowed to say his name, like he’s Voldemort or something?

Mary Worth, 12/24/19

Ha ha, trick question! The answer is today’s Mary Worth, where Estelle seems prepared to take Wilbur back and even says “I look forward to seeing you!”, a scenario incompatible with the existence of a loving God. Anyway, I need to step away from the site for a few days in the face of this horror, and also to travel for Hanuchrwaanza and such. See you sometime in the first few days of the ’20s, kids! Expect another year (dare I say, decade?) of the same business on this site, which is to say hilarious jokes about Mary Worth and stuff. I love you all!

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Family Circus, 11/22/19

OK, guys, look, as a childfree adult who spends very little time interacting with toddlers, I don’t have … the strongest sense of how big they are, and that’s on me. But I also think that some of the sizing of objects in the Family Circus is a little off, like things are the wrong size in comparison to one another, for whatever reason (whispers “clip art” into the wind). What I’m trying to say is, that’s an enormous bowl of gruel Ma Keane is holding, right? Like, it’s almost the size of Jeffy’s torso and it is filled to the brim with viscous, ecru flavor. It’s gotta be really heavy and honestly Jeffy is lucky he’s getting as much hug as he’s getting.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 11/22/19

IT’S CALLED A “TRAMP STAMP”

NOBODY CALLS IT A “TRAMP TATTOO”

THE JOKE DOESN’T WORK AT ALL UNLESS YOU CALL IT A “TRAMP STAMP”

ALSO IT’S ON THE LOWER BACK, BECAUSE THE IMPLICATION IS THAT IT’S FOR PEOPLE TO LOOK AT WHILE YOU DO IT “DOGGY STYLE”

YOU DON’T GET TO DO THIS JOKE UNLESS YOU FOLLOW ITS IMPLICATIONS TO THEIR LOGICAL CONCLUSIONS

I DON’T MAKE THE RULES

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Gil Thorp, 11/18/19

Well, weeks after making the mistake of trying to blow the whistle to Milford’s “mainstream” (i.e., Thorp-friendly) press, Chet is doing what he should’ve done in the first place, which is talk to Marty Moon, preferably in a context where Marty can get as drunk as possible with a non-Marty person paying for the drinks. So the setup is right, but the execution is botched. Marty says he’s listening but you can see in panel three that he’s already tuning out Chet’s blather about “two-a-days” and “Sam Finn” or whatever. C’mon, Chet! Lead with the scissors-throwing! Everyone loves a good scissors-throwing!

Family Circus, 11/18/19

“Daddy” may be back at the help of the Family Circus, but the layers of narrative artifice on display during “Billy (age 7)’s run” are still present. Dolly prays to the Christian God, but He does not exist within the Circus’s circle; the Father and Creator is downstairs, watching football. (Of course, in real life, this God is dead, and in-panel reality is sustained by Jeffy, depicted here as His prophet.)

Mary Worth, 11/18/19

Crouching in your office chair, airing your hairy legs out and pressing an ice pack gingerly against one side of your head doesn’t exactly scream “patented hangover cure” to me, but I guess Wilbur’s the expert! I don’t want to say every plotline in Mary Worth should involve Wilbur getting dumped or otherwise romantically devastated, but, like, every fourth one or so? That’d be great.