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Mary Worth, 9/21/19

Longtime friend of the blog and Heathcliff obsessive Brandi Brown has a theory that 9/11 never happened in the Mary Worth universe, and after this strip, I’m finally convinced. In a world where commercial airlines were never weaponized, lax airport security allows even gross foreigners like Hugo to just pop off for an hour or two for a quick makeout session while storms over the midwest delay the daily Santa Royale International-Charles de Gaulle nonstop flight. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Josh, what about the special Mary Worth strip commemorating the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks?” Well, while the Apartment 3-G that ran that day makes a fairly explicit reference to the attacks and the Twin Towers, the Mary Worth strip just features Mary leaving a message for some lady about her son who died ten years before, which, he could’ve died in any number of ways! Didn’t have to be in a terrorist attack. The fact that this lady saw that Mary was calling and let it go straight to voicemail makes sense in any version of the timestream, of course.

Family Circus, 9/21/19

Ha ha, kids sure do say the darnedest things, especially after you’ve sought shelter from a natural disaster but just left them upstairs to stare out of a completely unshuttered and unprotected window!

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Six Chix, 9/17/19

I want to pass over the actual joke at the core of today’s Six Chix (ha ha, moms sure love wine, amiright) and actually get into the visual shorthand being deployed here to establish that this is, in fact, a high-powered businessman, which, no matter what else I say about it, I have to admit that it worked, because we can all agree this is supposed to be a high-powered businessman, right? Anyway, our high-powered businessman is wearing a grey suit, obviously; he’s also wearing what appears to be a backpack with that suit, which more and more people are doing nowadays, but he’s also carrying a briefcase, because that’s a more universal high-powered businessman signifier, I guess. He’s also heading down into the subway, to establish he’s in New York City, the Big Apple, the nexus of all high-powered businessman energy (I will refrain from going on at great insufferable length about how the A, D, F, 1, 3, and 6 lines do not intersect anywhere). Finally, he’s yelling into his phone, which is a thing that high-powered businessmen do, the way they get things done. Who exactly is he ordering wine from? Is this a thing you can do in New York: order wine, over the phone? I’m definitely not high-powered enough to know!

(UPDATE: I 100% read the old woman in the background as just walking by on the sidewalk, which I think is fair given that her body language is not that different from the other dude on the sidewalk, and she was small because she’s a little further away, but I think commenters are right that she’s supposed to be the mother in question and … tiny? And strapped to his back? Like a …baby would be? Jesus, this fucking strip.)

Family Circus, 9/17/19

This isn’t just another Dolly malapropism, folks: PJ’s a robot! The older Keane Kids are biological units, but, I think we can all agree, those experiments were failures. PJ’s the next generation: cleaner, more efficient. He’s the future.

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Dennis the Menace, 8/31/19

Lord knows I’m sympathetic to the dilemma that syndicated comics artists find themselves in, trying to generate new joke-bearing scenarios out of varying combinations of the same basic components year after year, but I don’t think today’s Dennis the Menace rings true. Could George Mitchell, who barely tolerates Dennis’s presence in his house, and who also generally can’t avoid Dennis because he never leaves his house, really have been convinced to take Dennis to a movie? Sorry, I can’t suspend my disbelief, though I do buy the idea that the precocious and mature Margaret would easily be able to navigate the cinema experience by herself, as we can see in the background.

Blondie, 8/31/19

You know, the whole goofy Dagwood food thing makes a lot more sense if we read it as an elaborate metaphor for sex addiction. Dagwood can get sandwiches in his own home any time he wants — his wife is of course very good at making sandwiches, and in a pinch he’s pretty proud of how well he can make one himself — but that can’t satisfy him anymore. He needs new sandwiches, different sandwiches, sandwiches in weird and unlikely places. He’ll make up any ridiculous excuse to go anywhere if it seems like he might be able to get a sandwich out of it, and now he’s gotten to the point where he’s not even trying to hide it from his wife anymore.

Hi and Lois, 8/31/19

If you want a more mature, realistic take on what happens when a seemingly innocent trip to the golf course descends into lies and marital strife, we recommend Hi and Lois.

Mark Trail, 8/31/19

We haven’t seen a lot of Andy the dog in Mark Trail lately, and now we know why: he’s no longer fit to appear in a family comic strip because, as we can tell by his wide eyes and lolling tongue in panel one here, he’s become a sicko pervert who gets turned on by watching humans “do it.” (A lingering closed-mouth kiss what passes for “doing it” in the Mark Trail universe.)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/31/19

Oh, sorry, have we not spent enough covering the denouement of the whole “Rex unmasks the Miss Galexia scam” plotline? Well, buckle up, because Rex is about to tell June the whole thing, in detail.

Family Circus, 8/31/19

HOLY SHIT

THE KEANE KIDS LIVE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE SEPTEMBER IS 31 DAYS LONG

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

OR MAYBE AUGUST IS JUST ONE DAY SHORTER AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS EXACTLY THE SAME

STILL, IT’S PRETTY WEIRD, RIGHT