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FoxTrot, 3/21/10

Earlier this evening King Features had only released those color comics with names beginning “A” through “C”. It looked like I would be forced to serve up Crock to you fine folks again, and I felt shame. The mighty Houston Chronicle eventually came to my rescue, but in my early panic I steeled myself, went out, and bought a newspaper. Well, The San Francisco Chronicle, but you know what I mean. And there, in pale ink on flimsy translucent pulp, was Steve Jobs’s vision of the comics’ future. Along with proof positive that Jason Fox does not read newspaper Spider-Man.

Crankshaft, 3/21/10

Other than that, sad to say, the Sunday funnies are mostly a cavalcade of misery, alienation, and spite — and that’s leaving out Crock. Here’s mom Lillian rejecting son Jeff’s umpteenth feeble, doomed attempt to win her favor. Hey, Jeff — I bet your pharmacist will swap that talking pillbox for something that will shut the old pill up for good.

Family Circus, 3/21/10

Of course, the “Greatest Generation” has no monopoly on shabby disregard for the feelings of loved ones. Here, Bil’s simple dream of family harmony — lovingly documented in his cartoons for more than half a century — is revealed as a hollow sham. But take heart — I hear that in a week or two, they’ll be ignoring him in favor of comics on their shiny new iPads!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/21/10

Dysfunction abounds even in the bucolic Eden of Hootin’ Holler. In panel 5, Loweezy lets it slip that her fragile romantic life with husband Snuffy is held together by porn almost as much as moonshine.

Heh, heh — Grampy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 10/3/06

Wow, for a strip that had to tiptoe its way around what was blatantly supposed to be an extramarital fling a few months ago, Apartment 3-G sure seems to have enthusiastically transformed itself into a Viagra commercial today. I like the way Margo and the Professor are all smiles throughout the exchange, to show that Margo’s impotence cracks are all in good fun. Gina, meanwhile, looks suddenly concerned in panel two, as if she hadn’t considered this possible downside to her old-man-snagging ways.

Beetle Bailey, 10/3/06

Ha, ha, it’s funny because General Halftrack and Beetle are both cowards! But is it also a cutting commentary on the array of active and retired generals who have questioned Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s leadership in the Iraq war? Who says it can’t be both! Well, I do, because this is Beetle Bailey, so it’s really only the first thing. Except for the “funny” part.

Fox Trot, 10/3/06

The interlinked man-woman symbol pendant is a nice touch, and the “beetle music” line is groanworthy, but neither should distract from the fact that Jason is using his iguana as a prop to hit on his mom. Ick. And ick.

Mark Trail, 10/3/06

OK, arrow-ass-bear-whose-arrow-seems-to-have-mysteriously-disappeared-but-we-know-it’s-still-you-probably, you need to remember that you are a vicious, 1,000-pound beast, with flesh-tearing fangs and razor-sharp claws. The fact that you allowed this pasty, defenseless, hairless ape to bop you on the snout with a tree limb — as if you were a dog to be chastised with a rolled-up newspaper! — and ran away, leaving all of the human’s internal organs safely inside his body, brings shame to all wild bears everywhere. You’re not expected to try to understand the hostility towards you, just react to it with savage carnage.

Judge Parker, 10/3/06

GAYEST. JUDGE PARKER. EVER.

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Mary Worth, 3/24/06

So wait, the new Mary Worth storyline is about the sex lives of unattractive middle-aged empty nesters? Oh, hell, no, I am not down for that. You hear me, Mary Worth? You’re on your own if you go down that road.

[Long pause.]

Oh, we both know I don’t mean that.

Also:

Non Sequitur and panels from Fox Trot, 3/24/06

A comic pooping double-score today. Niiice.

Also also: Why do cartoon moms get all gothy before bed? It’s kinda creepin’ me out.