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Shoe, 9/24/15

“Ha, it’s ironic because I was humiliated in front of my young ward when I tried to buy him something he wanted only to have my tenuous financial situation revealed to him in a very public way! Anyway, I know it’s only 10 a.m., but what’s the cheapest booze you got behind that counter?”

Apartment 3-G, 9/24/15

I’m about as atheist as they get, but even I wouldn’t respond to someone offering to pray for a mutual friend with a sarcastic quip and an extremely wary look, like Tommie does in panel two. “Why not, Lu Ann. It can’t hurt. Unless … you’re not planning on praying to the wrong god, are you? Then it could hurt a lot.”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/24/15

“It was mostly about sex stuff that dad likes. Anyway, have a look, I’m gonna check out WebMD to figure out exactly where on your head you should hit yourself with a hammer to induce short-term amnesia.”

Gil Thorp, 9/24/15

Gil has been extremely crabby about Holly’s Milford High reality show, demanded that he appear on-screen as little as possible, and now we know why: he doesn’t want the inevitable moment in the season when someone else starts doing his coaching for him broadcast nationwide.

Judge Parker, 9/24/15

Wait, Rocky’s back already? The strip where we found he left was only published five weeks ago! In terms of the internal Judge Parker chronology, that’s the equivalent of, what, thirty seconds? Maybe forty-five?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/24/15

“Hey, wait, with all that money I could just come up here with more interesting people than you! Turns out your work schedule is irrelevant to me now, dad.”

Dennis the Menace, 9/24/15

“‘Cause I do! I bite whoever I want, whenever I want. I’m Dennis the motherfucking Menace, lady!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 9/20/15

Yeah, so, I never did keep you updated on the extremely disappointing follow-up to this strip, which was that obviously Summer isn’t throwing her mother’s precious tapes in the trash, but rather is just getting them converted to digital, and, more to the point, letting local weirdo Crazy Harry do it instead of trusting an actual professional for some reason. Anyway, local weirdo Crazy Harry watched the tapes, which I’m reasonably sure isn’t necessary for the conversion process, and so we’ve learned that Dead Lisa considered whoever was going to be married to Les 15 years after her death to be “the other woman.” Now Cayla’s going to have to watch this, probably with Les hovering behind her. This is gonna be great. This is gonna be fantastic.

Momma, 9/20/15

Considering it’s broad daylight outside, I’m assuming the bassist MaryLou just fell in love with was working at this cafe, probably on the lunch shift? It’s not even clear that he’s in the band that will be performing rock music tonight! Anyway, what I’m saying is, at least she can tell Momma that this guy has a job.

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Mary Worth, 9/7/15

You guys. You guys. When I predicted this yesterday, I was kidding. Kidding. I mean, surely Toby wouldn’t dramatically tell Ian “do not try to look for me” and then lay low in literally the same building. Surely she has some friends other than Mary. Maybe we’ve never seen her interacting with them, but surely she had them. Some people she knows from the local art scene? Her old friends back in New York? Turns out nope! Turns out Mary’s all she’s got. This whole thing’s going to be fantastic. Anyway, since I can apparently control the course of this plot with my barely plausible predictions, here’s my next prediction: Toby will very quickly drive Mary up the wall by letting her filthy, filthy human skin touch all the surfaces in Mary’s apartment, her pure, beautiful, disinfected surfaces.

Blondie, 9/7/15

Ha ha, get it? Because megabytes are some kind of thing that’s inside a computer, and it sounds like you’re taking a MEGA (big) BITE (of food)? And Dagwood is a terrible compulsive eater, so he likes biting food? The saddest thing about this joke is that I’m pretty sure the Blondie Inc. Creative Brain Trust came up with it, like, ten years ago, and only now feel confident that their readership will really “get it,” and even then had Dagwood and Alexander say “megabyte” to each other four times, just to be sure.

B.C., 9/7/15

Don’t worry, this turtle’s shell isn’t a twisted, unnatural attempt to mimic secondary mammalian sexual characteristics. She’s just deformed because she was born in a pile of garbage!

Funky Winkerbean, 9/7/15

AT LAST

THE DAY IS HERE

THE DAY WHEN THE LIVING FINALLY OVERTHROW THE TYRANNY OF THE DEAD