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Mark Trail, 7/14/20

Oh, say, it looks like Hollywood Bad Boy Jeremy Cartwright is going to get more than he bargained for in his ridealong with Mark Trail, because instead of seeing Mark natter on about nature or whatever, which he’d snicker about in between bouts of surreptitiously doing lines of cocaine, he’s gonna get to see Mark punch out some evil bighorn poachers, which he’ll deeply respect because the only people he’s ever punched out have been his fellow actors under the careful guidance of an on-set fight choreographer and a paparazzo that one time, when he was on a lot of cocaine. I don’t think the guy in the first panel is meant to be against the highly illegal bighorn sheep trade, by the way; I’m pretty sure he loves crimes and his face just looks like that.

Dennis the Menace, 7/14/20

The real menace here is not how dumb Dennis is, how painfully dumb he is, just dumb as a box of rocks, but rather that the library, knowing that today’s youth is shallow and obsessed with celebrities, has a book called Famous People that they hand out to the little shits to keep them quiet. It didn’t work in this particular case, but you should see what a mess it’d be there without it.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/14/20

If just seeing an actress in a Lisa wig has sent Les into a state of catatonia, then seeing Mason wearing a Les 1.0 hair prosthesis will kill him, just strike him dead where he stands. I honestly would like to think that this was the plan all along. They’ll all finally be free of him.

Pluggers, 7/14/20

The “you” in this caption really sent a chill down my spine. You think pluggers don’t affect your life? Wrong. You’re trapped here with them, and their screwups are your problem and there’s nothing you can do about it, so get ready to chow down.

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/13/20

Hey, remember how this is the second attempt to make a movie out of Lisa’s Story, and the first one actually got to the point where filming had started and everything, and Les somehow managed to both derail the production and get paid for doing so? And the only reason Mason managed to talk Les into signing off on another go-round was to promise to do it the “right way“? Well, now we know what “the right way” means, because unlike last time, Mason’s production has bothered to fit the actress playing Lisa with a Lisa-like wig, and it has utterly blown Les’s mind. I certainly hope he goes into a complete meltdown like Jimmy Stewart in Vertigo, becomes convinced that Marianne is Lisa, and begs her to come home with him, leading him to be ejected from the set, and, ultimately, committed to a mental hospital. The ensuing publicity makes Lisa’s Story an unexpected hit as everyone wants to see the movie that drove its own screenwriter mad, and Mason dedicates his Best Actor Oscar to Les, but he’s not allowed to watch the ceremony.

Gil Thorp, 7/13/20

You know what used to be a tradition around here is that Gil Thorp would do a completely bonkers summer storyline, but in recent years instead there’s just been boring bullshit about golf, so I certainly hope Gil is going to “shake things up” by ditching this new, dumb tradition in favor of the older, better one.

Dick Tracy, 7/13/20

Oh, he doesn’t have two heads? He’s just a guy whose shtick is that he likes ice cream cones, and his name is Coney? BOOOOOOOOO

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Mary Worth, 7/7/20

Oh wow, it turns out that Madi might have been acting out because she lost her mother (some indeterminate time ago) and her grandmother (recently, to whom she was close), and then her father dropped her off at a total stranger’s house before immediately peacing out to Venezuela, WHO COULD’VE POSSIBLY PREDICTED. Fortunately her predilection to feel warmly towards old ladies will result in her imprinting on Mary like a baby duck!

Mark Trail, 7/7/20

“Settle down, Rusty — Cartwright may be your favorite action hero, but he’s just a person! Someday the technology will exist to completely replace human actors with some combination of CGI and mechanical humanoids, so we’ll be able to enjoy seeing Al Pacino and Joe Pesci play gangsters long after they’re dead. But until then, Cartwright’s just another dumb bag of meat, like you or me.”

Gil Thorp, 7/7/20

Hey, remember the beardo literature teacher who spotted Mike “The Mayor”‘s harmless butter knife and had him expelled from school, which resulted in Mike losing his athletic scholarship and probably seriously derailed his life? Well, he dropped a couple coolers of off-brand soda off at the feel-good snobs vs. slobs game, so, uh, probably they’re even now, right?

Funky Winkerbean, 7/7/20

ALERT ALERT LISA’S STORY PRODUCTION HAS NOW BEGUN THEY’RE REALLY DOING THIS THEY’RE REALLY SPENDING THE MONEY THIS IS NOT A DRILL REPEAT NOT A DRILL THREAT LEVEL ALPHA

Crock, 7/7/20

Oh, you ladies think you’re so cool because you got an all-female Ghostbusters reboot, huh? Well, wait till you see my reboot of Jane Campion’s The Piano … but with guys.