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Funky Winkerbean, 3/29/20

One of my least favorite running Funky Winkerbean bits — amazingly, I do have a hierarchy — is jokes at the school that are set up by the teacher saying “Can anyone tell me [fairly obscure fact X]” in a way that really seems to strongly imply that the students have never encountered fact X in their curriculum, but he’s mad at them for not knowing the answer anyway, because it’s their fault they don’t know the name of, for instance, random Kuiper Belt objects off the top of their head. Anyway, did you know that this particular Kuiper Belt object isn’t even called Ultima Thule anymore? Science teacher dude whose name I forget hates kids, hates teaching, doesn’t keep up with his field of study, and probably should look into retiring as soon as possible, is what I’m saying.

Blondie, 3/29/20

Today’s Blondie is kind of interesting because it doesn’t really make sense if you don’t know that Dagwood lives in an impeccably manicured suburb where, anachronistically, people let their dogs roam free at night, but I’m more interested in the throwaway panels, where Dagwood identifies himself and his neighbor responds with an excruciatingly neutral “Yes”, implying that she knows exactly who he is and has some opinions about him that she is not eager to share.

Six Chix, 3/29/20

oh no the cartoons are getting horny and no one will help them

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Dennis the Menace, 3/22/20

Do you think this lady, who’s acquainted with Mr. Wilson well enough to know his name but not well enough to know that he doesn’t have kids, is … hitting on him? Like, I guess I don’t know how suburban retirees flirt, but if you told me that complimenting each other’s lawns was a standard opening line, I would definitely believe it. Anyway, for once I actually like the fact that Dennis is being very pleasant and not menacing at all, because it makes Mr. Wilson come across like not just a cantankerous old coot but actively deranged.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/22/20

The previous iteration of the movie version of Lisa’s Story was going to be called Lust for Lisa, but now Mason is making it, which means it’s going to be “told the right way,” and it’s really only sinking in for me just how incredibly depressing that’s going to be. Like, we’ve all had 20 years to absorb this shit, but Mason is going to pack it all into two hours. Can you imagine the opening scene where Les and Lisa visit the Bethesda fountain (named after a healing fountain in the Bible, and used to good dramatic effect in an infinitely better work) and wish for Lisa to not die of cancer, and then she dies of cancer anyway? This is the level of darkness you expect from the most tiring of European art house films, and I for one can’t wait for everyone to hate it.

Panels from The Lockhorns, 3/22/20

One thing I sincerely respect is that The Lockhorns does nearly twice as many panels as any other single-panel strip, since instead of just running one giant panel for Sunday it does five little ones! Anyway, I genuinely enjoyed these two both on their own and in juxtaposition to one another, as they give us two different textures of intra-Lockhorn marital complaint: on the one hand, Leroy finds marriage to be, allegorically, like the worst kind of physical torture humanity has ever dreamed up, and on the other had it makes Loretta sad that Leroy is such a drunk.

Mary Worth, 3/22/20

Look, Dawn, Jared has seen things, OK? Life! …and death! He knows that he could go at any moment and he’s not going to go out having never awkwardly kissed a girl, damn it!

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/22/20

“I never have to talk to your dumb aunt again, and now that I have a bunch of books to stick my nose in, I don’t have to talk to you for hours either! Win-win! See ya, don’t bother trying to have a conversation with me because I definitely won’t be listening.”

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/16/20

“Ha ha, get it? His name is Les Moore, which is sort of a play on words? Anyway, long story short, your father maybe forgot you were coming home from college or maybe just didn’t care and definitely didn’t bother telling you about his big trip! So glad I married into this close, loving family.”

Crankshaft, 3/16/20

Trust me, Lillian, I know exactly what a podcast is, and I can tell you that it isn’t exciting at all.

Family Circus, 3/16/20

I apologize for implying last week that there were Freudian implications to Little Billy’s ongoing cartoon torture of his father. In fact, as the panel I highlighted then and today’s panel both demonstrate, he’s drawing on the Jungian archetypes that are ingrained in our folk memory and appear in the dark fairy tales our ancestors used to terrify their children.

The Lockhorns, 3/16/20

Amazing: the multi-month lead time in comics publishing has transformed Leroy from a cheapskate who never takes his wife anywhere nice to a true hero of public health! (Well, strictly speaking, he should be ordering delivery, but still, this is better than flying directly into a quarantine.)

Six Chix, 3/16/20

Looks like scientists have finally designed an artificial intelligence that can beat human players at poker … and it’s [record scratch] A WOMAN??? You go, girlfriend! Get that paper! [snaps fingers supportively]