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Blondie, 12/12/18

I believe that Dagwood is a true food fetishist, in the sense that he doesn’t just enjoy the act of consuming food in and of itself, but has so centered it in his personality that he’s developed various paraphilias around it. So yeah, he’s gonna want some elaborate role play with his Christmastime pizza delivery, but here’s the thing: sex workers generally charge more as their clients’ tastes get more exotic, and this scenario is no different. You want someone to come down your chimney with pizza (not a euphemism, this is literally what Dagwood wants, this is what he’s been thinking about all day, ever since he spotted the pizza delivery guy in his Santa suit last night and wrote down the number on his car), you’ve gotta pay come-down-your-chimney-with-pizza money.

Crankshaft, 12/12/18

Speaking of people who won’t be coming down your chimney, the “joke” of the current Crankshaft arc is that Crankshaft was running late and didn’t have time to change out of the costume from his mall Santa gig before arriving at his bowling night, which, fine, but … the beard? Surely he could just take off the beard? I was thinking maybe he had affixed it to his face with spirit gum but that seems like far more commitment than Crankshaft has ever put into anything that wasn’t spiting his fellow man.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 12/12/18

Now, I’m not an artist or a scientist but I was kind of curious about what was going on from an anatomical perspective in that stall and this is what I came up with:

So you heard it here first, kids: pencils shit standing up!

Funky Winkerbean, 12/12/18

Ahhh, I love Holly’s mom’s expression of slowly dawning disappointment! That’s the face of a woman who just minutes ago thought, incorrectly, that she was about to get laid.

Pluggers, 12/12/18

You’re a plugger if there’s absolutely no way you’ll be able to complete your list of menial tasks before you drop dead.

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Mary Worth, 12/10/18

It’s been two and a half years since new-ish Mary Worth artist June Brigman took over the strip and we’ve seen most of our beloved major players at this point. Almost all of them have gotten what I would call aesthetic upgrades of varying degrees of subtlety — Mary has been glammed up most of all — but I think the improvements to Dr. Jeff’s boat are on a whole different level. This is the only image of it I can find in my archives, but y ou can see that it used to be a somewhat dumpy pleasure craft with a roof, suitable for tooling around Santa Royale harbor at extremely limited speeds. Now it’s a sleek cigarette boat, perfect for zooming out into the Pacific and letting the wind ruffle your hair, and if Dr. Jeff wanted to make a side trip to the coast of Baja to pick up some black-market pills that he can “prescribe” to his friends and neighbors, he can do so knowing he’ll be back at the Bum Boat in time for their 5:15 reservation.

Gil Thorp, 12/10/18

Let me tell you an Extremely Buffalo Story: in the fall of 2009, I went to Buffalo, New York, where I grew up, to visit my family. The coach of the Bills at that time was Dick Jauron, who had muddled through three consecutive 7-9 seasons and wasn’t doing much better that year. The day I arrived, a billboard on the Thruway near Ralph Wilson Stadium had been unveiled that simply said “FIRE DICK JAURON,” and that evening, the very top story on Channel 4’s local news was an exclusive interview with the dudes who had rented the billboard — and yes, it was just these three extremely Buffalo-looking dudes, with sweatshirts and mustaches, and when asked why they had pooled a not insignificant amount of cash to send this message, one of them looked straight into the camera and said, extremely sincerely, “Well, somebody had to do something.” And then, a few weeks later, the Bills did fire Dick Juaron. Sometimes, the system works! In hopefully related news, I’m extremely looking forward to this year’s basketball-season Gil Thorp storyline.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/10/18

Against all odds and good sense, we’re apparently going to be treated to even more of the “Funky’s dad is horny” storyline this week, and while I still overall find it distasteful I gotta admit that I didn’t see this twist coming, where Funky’s dad seduces Holly’s mom and then Holly and Funky become brother and sister. Awkward!

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Funky Winkerbean, 12/8/18

We know that the Funkyverse is in many ways similar to, but not identical with, our own space-time continuum, because its characters deploy terms like “solo car date” and “vendos” that no human on Earth-Prime would ever utter. However, I refuse to believe that Viagra’s powerful branding as a little blue pill wouldn’t stay true across universes. Therefore, I assume that this conversation has abruptly turned away from sex stuff and now they’re blessedly just talking about acid reflux.

Dustin, 12/8/18

I’m still in the very early “who the hell are all these people” stage with Dustin so I have no idea what this kid’s deal is. Do you think he, like, pulled a knife on Marcus? Threatened to kill his whole family if he dared to hiccup even one more time? The kid definitely seems to be coolly filing away the data he’s gathered on the amount of trauma you can subject someone to and still expect them to interact with you socially.