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That promised weekend wrap-up metapost will be coming soon, but I thought you might enjoy, you know, some comics commentary or something. I had originally planned to skip over the comics from the days I was away, but of course I had to read them to catch up, and some of them just called to me, so here are the highlights of all the stuff I missed. (Sorry in advance if I step on anyone’s snark, I haven’t had time to go over the weekend’s 1000+ comments in depth…)

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/22/07

Yeah, I know, this one’s from Friday, but faithful reader anne failed to tell me in advance that “Anne D.” was her! So, enjoy another moment in Curmudgeonly TDIET domination.

Archie, 6/23/07

You know, I don’t think we give the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 enough credit. If you gave a mere human the task of of creating a comic strip in which a teenage boy sprays a sexy teenage girl with a hose but which is nevertheless entirely homoerotic in subtext, he or she would invariably stalk off, proclaiming loudly that such a thing is impossible. The AJGLU 3000 merely churns through data and chugs forward implacably to its programmed destination.

Crankshaft, 6/24/07

“Yeah, see, we call them that because sooner or later one of them is going to have a massive myocardial infarction right there in the booth. Ha ha! Hopefully I won’t be on duty when that happens, ’cause they’d probably make me help move the corpse.”

Mary Worth, 6/24/07

This may be the most frankly sexual Mary Worth (and is there a more disturbing four-word sequence in the English language?) in the strip’s long history. Dr. Jeff’s attempts offer up his son has a substitute object of Mary’s affections are quickly quashed. Mary then goes on at great length about her plans to pimp the junior Dr. Corey out to every woman at the party; she’s so excited at the prospect that her ascot has been knocked askew. Dr. Jeff, while obviously proud of his son’s virility and sexual fitness, expresses his concern over the young fellow’s man-whoring. To cap things off, we get the image of a bee pollinating a flower, soon to fly off to another, illustrating Drew’s “love ’em and leave ’em” policy in one of the most discomfort-inducing metaphorical fashions possible (presumably instead of spreading pollen from blossom to blossom, he brings chlamydia instead). Will Vera’s womanly parts be the hive that will trap this bee with its sweet, sweet honey? Stay tuned!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/24/07

The most awesome thing about this Rex Morgan is that every single thing that Hugh is saying is in fact 100 percent demonstrably true, and yet he’s being drawn like a paranoid lunatic drama queen. Panel four, in which he waves his highly trained pointing figure around while he stares goggle-eyed and shouts accusations at nobody in particular, with June rolling her eyes in contempt, is particularly choice. Heather can only defuse the situation by again busting out the “Boo hoo my poor rich husband is dead or possibly floating in the icy North Atlantic” waterworks, which strategy will presumably have diminishing returns.

Gil Thorp, 6/25/07

OH MY GOD CLAMBAKE IS A FRAUD! I’m more than a little embarrassed to admit that I didn’t see this coming at all. I’m looking forward to the shocking revelation that not only was he never in the Negro Leagues, but he’s really just a Greek guy with a good tan!

Sally Forth, 6/25/07

I swear to God, the first time I looked at this, I though Sally’s thought balloon read “I wonder how high I could get before losing my job.”

Ralph, meanwhile, is fooling nobody by poking at a keyboard that isn’t attached to anything. “Easy Ralph … easy … she’ll forget you’re here in a minute … then uncross her ankles … that’s right … any minute now…”

Wizard of Id, 6/25/07

Ha ha! Id is an absolute monarchy and the king’s power isn’t checked by any other institution or law, so he can order the gruesome torture of any of his subjects for the slightest of insults! Ha! The press secretary’s arms have probably both popped out of their sockets, and he’ll die in agony over a series of days! Ah, whimsy.

Gasoline Alley, 6/26/07

Gasoline Alley has been so breathtakingly dull lately, what with plots about sleep apnea and tinnitus by turns, that I haven’t felt the urge to note its continued existence for the last seven months. Today looks promising, however, as it seems to herald the beginning of a new story about how awful it is when black people move into the neighborhood.

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Say, let’s catch up on what’s going on in some of the serial strips I’ve been neglecting, shall we?

Mary Worth, 11/30/06

In Mary Worth, Ella is giving psychic marital advice to 1944 and ’48 Republican presidential candidate Thomas Dewey.

Gil Thorp, 11/30/06

In Gil Thorp, Bill Ritter has done some sort of grievous harm to himself with a chainsaw, possibly involving the loss of a limb. But the important is that now Stormy Hicks is a real hero.

Gasoline Alley, 11/30/06

In Gasoline Alley, Walt, in what may or may not be some elaborate metaphor for his death and/or apotheosis, has been hanging out at the “Old Comics Home”, and having a high old time of it — until today, when he encountered the terrifying, heroin-addled, twelve-foot-tall puppet-beast they have tied up in the back room.

The Phantom, 11/30/06

And in The Phantom, the-Ghost-Who-Is-Clever caused a villain-killing plane crash with the power … of psychology!

Which is kind of a shitty superpower, when it comes right down to it.

But it’s still better than anything Spider-Man’s got.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/26/06

%$(^, that is one #)(%&ing angry brunette. Everyone’s going to be marveling at Tommie’s massive head bobble in panel three, which makes it look like she’s a Victorian governess who’s never, ever heard a swear word before, but the motion lines I’m more interested in are radiating from Margo’s clenched fist in panel one. This chick looks like she’s about to haul off and punch somebody — somebody like Eric Mills, or, if he’s not available, his niece.

Who knew that being a party planner for the rich and capricious was so stressful? First it was peacocks running amok, now she can’t get her client on the phone when she’s at the crucial point in her delicate negotiations with the Kidz Bop Kids. Considering the fact that her last big event never happened, and this one is heading in the same direction, I do hope that Margo bills by the hour, and once a week.

Gasoline Alley, 10/26/06

Speaking of women who look to be on the threshold of fisticuffs, check out the numb, wide-eyed expression on Clovia’s face in panel three here. Clovia has been on the verge of snapping for about the entire time I’ve been reading this strip, largely due to her husband’s complete lack of redeeming qualities. Once the killing spree begins, it’s only going to start with Slim. Note the difference in technique: while Margo is going for the classic knuckle sandwich, Clovia has her index knuckle somewhat extended, as if her first objective will be to gouge out an eye.

Mary Worth, 10/26/06

Real comics aficionados aren’t fooled by this “Ella” business; that’s clearly beloved Doonesbury character Lacey Davenport!

Some of you might be saying, “But Josh, Lacey died in 1998!” Well, duh. Since she’s deceased, she can be summoned up by the God of Comics and sent into various strips as a sort of troubleshooter to solve problems and right wrongs. This explains why she doesn’t even know why she’s moving into this well-appointed condo complex: the God of Comics likes to reveal His intentions a little bit after the scene has been set, just like Charlie’s Angels’ Charlie. But I don’t think I need to explain to you what grievous recent wrong needs to be avenged in this feature. I think the stage is being set for one of the most titanic Battles of the Biddies that the comics has ever seen. That squirrel is getting out while the getting’s good.

Dennis the Menace, 10/26/06

“Don’t you remember, mom? He was saying stuff like … ‘This sham of a marriage is killing me’ … ‘You and your little brat can rot at the Gap for the rest of your life for all I care’ … ‘You’ll be hearing from my lawyer’ … ‘Thank God the house is in my name’…”

Seriously, who doesn’t remember how they got to the mall? Who gets dropped off at the mall without a plan for how they’re going to get home? Is Mrs. the Menace high? She looks kind of high to me.