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Gil Thorp, 9/26/19

Hmm, why is it that sophomore Chance Macy is running up huge numbers on the football field, but doesn’t really want to hang out with other students, and particularly resists the female attention that a big man on campus often gets. Could it be because he’s an “overaged” sophomore, and by “overaged” we mean a 26-year-old undercover cop who quickly realized that nobody at Milford High was doing any crimes and decided to use his assignment to relive his high school athletic glory years? Very excited for Gil and Kaz to pretend to be shocked, shocked when this comes out just in time to force them to pull out of the championship game!

Mark Trail, 9/26/19

Look, Mark, I’m not big on pseudoscience either, but maybe right after your host tells you that they’ve been obsessed with something their entire life isn’t the best time to say “Wow, sounds like you wasted your life on a scam and a fraud, then!” It’s just basic courtesy, and it could be the difference between the world’s most preeminent yeti expert rescuing you from a savage yeti attack and the world’s most preeminent yeti expert laughing “Who’s a pseudoscientist now, Mark?” as a yeti tears you apart with its razor-sharp teeth.

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Hi and Lois, 9/19/19

I don’t know why Lois even has an elaborate, frilly apron that seems like it wouldn’t be much practical use for protecting your clothes from cooking splashes and is probably from some catalog dedicated to eroticized maidwear … actually, scratch that, I know exactly why she has it: it’s for sex play, and she obviously deploys it on the regular when she watches the Donna Reed Show and gets hornt up, and, you know, good for her, BUT: Hi has clearly suffered some kind of vicious beating on his way home from work, with his suit badly damaged and his eyes wide and unfocused due to shock or maybe a concussion. This is no time for love, Lois! Read the room!

Gil Thorp, 9/19/19

Hey, remember this past summer, when we revisited a former high school athletic superstar who also liked books and learning, like a damn nerd? Well, welcome to this year’s football plot, where the star running back likes quiet evenings at home reading books, like a damn nerd. He likes books more than sex even. What madness is this?

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Gil Thorp, 9/3/19

Folks, I want you to cast your mind back to the year 2007, a much simpler and more innocent time, when we first saw Coach Thorp announcing the football team’s starters in front of what seemed to be a conflagration of some kind. This was the Milford bonfire, and it became an annual event. In 2008 the kids were throwing up devil horns in honor of the hellish inferno. 2009? Pumping fists. In 2010 the players started giving speeches, in 2011 the column of fire rose into the sky, and in 2012 Gil declared the bonfire was the only fire in the world, a symbol of the fire that burns inside each of us. In 2013 innocent cheerleaders were sacrificed to the flames, and in 2014 a dude named Jarrod, who would go on to lose the starting quarterback job, gave a wild-eyed speech as the fire burned. The guy who took Jarrod’s place led the Mudlarks to their first championship in years, and the next fall began with a fiery victory celebration.

And then … for four long years … nothing. The bonfire vanished from Mudlark lore without a trace, and it seemed like only I was keeping the flame alive, so to speak. I had given up hope on ever lay eyes on a Milford bonfire again, so you can imagine how happy I felt to see the smoke starting to rise from that woodpile in panel three. We’re seeing it just as it’s about to burst into flame! And sure, “Toast Oakwood” and “Fire It Up” are extremely cheesy signs, but you know what? None of these kids were even around in 2015. They’re having to reconstruct this tradition from whispered tales of times past. It’s gonna take them a year or two to get back in the groove.

Mary Worth, 9/3/19

Oh, Dawn. Oh, dumb, dumb, lovestruck, horny Dawn. There’s only one thing Hugo’s been telegraphing more obviously than the fact that he sees your romance as nothing more than a summer fling, and it’s that he thinks America is lame. It’s like you don’t want us to feel even a little sorry for you.

Crankshaft, 9/3/19

Ha ha! But seriously, folks, Crankshaft has never been in love. He’s simply not capable of it!