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Gil Thorp, 5/30/19

Words can’t even describe how boring Spring 2019 Gil Thorp has been; the only thing less compelling than the A plot (“The softball team is trapped in an endlessly escalating cycle of kids wanting their banal hobbies being acknowledged as ‘too cool for school’”) is the B plot (“one of the girls is good enough at volleyball to get a full college scholarship to play it but not so good that she feels personally fulfilled”). Still, maybe things are looking up today, as Couch Mrs. Coach Thorp suggests that everyone’s problem can be solved by imposing an totalitarian mass surveillance state, or maybe by putting the pigs in charge of the farm, because how much worse a job can they do, really.

Family Circus, 5/30/19

“Mommy! When will the airtight dome over the Kompound be complete, finally protecting us from this fallen world and its filthy impurities?”

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Mary Worth, 5/15/19

Oh hell yes this Mary Worth plot is going to get jazzed up by the introduction of a beloved character from the past, namely (I’m assuming) Terry Bryson! We first met Terry back in 2008, when she was brought onto the scene to explain to Toby exactly how badly she fucked up when she got her identity stolen online. Then, much more interestingly, in 2015, she got tracked down by her ex Adam, who was both her ex-crime-fighting partner and ex-lover. At first she was hesitant about renewing their relationship, but eventually they bonded over their shared love of jiu-jitsuing the shit out of ne’er-do-wells and then making out in front of them. Anyway, the point is that Mary is going to call this trained assassin out of retirement and she is going to track down Arther in his filthy hovel and eliminate him, because she is that serious about stopping cyberfraud. The doves in the first panel are an indication that the remainder of this storyline will be told in the style of famed Hong Kong director John Woo, which is to say extremely violently.

Gil Thorp, 5/15/19

Way back in 2005, earnest young feminists Hadley Baxendale and Steve Luhm fought to level the playing field between the He- and She-Mudlark teams, and it appears that the long moral arc of the universe has finally gotten itself fully bent, because I’m pretty sure the single panel of incomprehensible sports action that begins today’s Gil Thorp is the first we’ve heard of the boy’s baseball team this year, and we just as quickly turn back to the girls and their on-field winning ways and their “too cool for school” madness quickly spiraling out of control. Can you imagine how dull whatever the boys are getting up to must be for this business to be spring’s only plot?

Blondie, 5/15/19

You ever want to do a joke about how a tech thing makes some traditional scenario different for the kids today, but don’t follow through because you don’t actually know how people use the tech thing you want to joke about and don’t care to find out? Well, the popular and successful comic strip Blondie thinks you’re being a little too precious about it, my friend.

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Dick Tracy, 5/11/19

Oh hey, turns out I got bored with Dick Tracy’ Minit Mystery when it suddenly became be less about municipal politics and more about a leftist radical cop killer for hire (?) who killed a lady cop and that led to the local police apparatus violently cracking down on all local organized crime in civil rights violating ways, but now it turns out that, oops, the real cop killer was the lady cop’s husband! “Oops,” says Dick, “I was so obsessed with gangsters that I forgot that 55 percent of women in the U.S. are killed by intimate partners, which you’d think would be a stat at the top of your mind if you’re a person who solves murders for a living. Anyway, sorry about all the organized crime prosecutions we screwed up, by arresting a bunch of gangsters without warrants for no good reason.”

Gil Thorp, 5/11/19

Oh, hey, turns out that once the softball team got super into having interests outside of school, everyone wanted to get in on the “having outside interests” action, which they dubbed as “being too cool for school,” for some reason. Anyway, today’s the day when this relatively harmless trend pivots to becoming the ideological core of a revolutionary vanguard party!

Mark Trail, 5/11/19

Oh, hey, turns out that buzzing sound in Mark Trail was, as I predicted, bees. Bees, everyone! Ha ha, Mark is running away from a bunch of bees!