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Gil Thorp, 3/26/15

Shockingly, the kid who thinks “Max Bacon™” is a cool nickname and who’s been buying what may or may not be fake Adderall has turned out to be not particularly smart.

Heathcliff, 3/26/15

If you’re looking to make the most of your seafood dollar, buying fish from a pet store is indeed about the least efficient way to go about it.

Hi and Lois, 3/26/15

Fortunately for Ditto, Meaties®, the new all-meat cereal from General Mills, is compatible with gluten-free and low-carb diets while still delivering the delicious meaty taste kids crave.

Pluggers, 3/26/15

Price inflation is a natural feature of nearly all economic systems, and in most cases is not a sign of any sort of macroeconomic distress, but pluggers have lived long enough to find it disorienting.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/26/15

AT LAST, WE’VE GOTTEN TO THE PART OF THIS STORYLINE WHERE THIS BRUTAL MOB ENFORCER MAKES AN UNREASONABLY DEMAND AND SOME POOR SCHMO BEGS FOR HIS LIFE

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Spider-Man, 2/27/15

Hahaha, thank you, Spider-Man, thank you for wrapping up this storyline in the most pointlessly absurd way possible. There’s nothing about this that I don’t adore. I love that the potential dramatic purpose of Mysterio’s double-masking is undercut by the strip revealing the truth after only one panel, and I sincerely hope the reasons behind it are never discussed or even mentioned. I love the fact that the “Dash” Dashell mask is presumably fixed in that glum expression. I love that he’s got glasses perched on top of the mask, and that those glasses apparently have transition lenses. I love the weird grimace Beck is making as the mask comes off, which is actually the sort of face you’d make if you were wearing a fishbowl full of water over a latex mask. I love the fact that all this time we’ve been set up to think that Rory McCormick, the douchey special effects guy, is Mysterio, but it turns out to be some other dude we’ve never even heard of before this point. The only way I could possibly be happier would be if Spidey pulled off the Quentin Beck mask only to discover McCormick’s face underneath.

Gil Thorp, 2/27/15

Basketball manager/secret coaching prodigy Bobby Howley was gently admonished by Gil at the beginning of this storyline for acting more like a coach than a manager, and since then Gil and Coach Kaz and Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp have appeared not at all, while Bobby has dished out basketball and/or pharmaceutical advice to boys and girls alike. Today, however, we see the limits of his keen mind: while he may see the basketball court as an easily solved equation, clearly that triangular shape of a piece of pizza has got him in over his head. “Well, I can easily fit this end of this slice into my mouth, so I can just keep chewing my way all the way to the crust in one go … WAIT NO TOO WIDE ABORT ABORT ABORT”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/27/15

June is having a hard time figuring out how not to pay attention to Sarah, and Rex is happy to help! “You’ve been busy, but I haven’t, but I still have no idea what she’s doing! Say, don’t we have somewhere to be? Somewhere that doesn’t involve Sarah at all?”

Heathcliff, 2/27/15

It’s funny because the fish feels a twinge of terror because Heathcliff is openly declaring his intention to kill and eat him.

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Gil Thorp, 2/23/15

So this Gil Thorp storyline is focused on fake (?) Adderall dealing now, but I still pine for a simpler time, when it mostly about Max Bacon™ colluding with Marty Moon to improve his #brand. It’s nice to see Marty is up for promoting Max via dumb bacon-themed catchphrases; once the Adderall scandal comes out, Marty will presumably face as many consequences for hyping this artificially hyped-up teen as the national sports press did for fawning over the steroid-driven Major League Baseball home run races of the late ’90s and early ’00s, which is to say none.

Beetle Bailey, 2/23/15

Look, everyone who whines that Beetle Bailey is outdated and out-of-touch: here it is featuring a new, hip, up-to-the-moment thing! I’m talking about erotic nose fondling, of course, which is an innovative new sex act being performed in Brooklyn’s hippest neighborhoods right now. Everyone will be doing it in a year or so. Selfie sticks are soooo last month.

Hi and Lois, 2/23/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Lois can’t feel joy anymore! Hi and Lois undermines its ostensible nature as a family-friendly strip by letting its readers in on a dirty little secret about families: families are terrible.

Mary Worth, 2/23/15

Ooh, so what is Amy’s big news that merits an ?-worthy invasion of Hanna’s personal space? She didn’t get married too, that’s too obvious. I’m guessing that she’s going to tell her mother that little Gordon doesn’t need to be babysat anymore, becuase she’s started dressing him like a tiny adult! Nothing says “I’m a big boy who can take of myself!” like electric blue sansabelt slacks and a matching jacket over a golf shirt.