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The Phantom, 8/1/23

The current Phantom storyline, broadly defined, has consisted of Old Man Mozz prophesying for our hero multiple different versions of how his plan to spring pirate, but for good/sexual-tension-with-the-Phantom-haver Savarna from Gravelines prison might work out. They all work out bad, in the long run, due to various Dramatic Ironies, but our hero has decided to go for it anyway, or at least I think so, because we’ve had long versions of the story play out in the strip before that have just turned out to be Mozz’s narrative and not the “real” action in the strip, and maybe this time will work out the same. But my point is that this night, and its consequences across branching timelines, has been going on more than two years at this point, so I wouldn’t say it’s ended too soon at all! I think we could pretty much wrap it up, if I’m being blunt about it.

Gil Thorp, 8/1/23

Good news, Toby! Thanks to the Supreme Court’s unanimous decision in NCAA v. Alston, college athletes can now profit from endorsement deals, so on the off chance that this year’s last place Conference USA program decides to juice interest and alumni donations by recruiting the kids who played in “that child prison football game that they ended up having all the Congressional hearings about,” you’ll be able to do sponcon on your Insta and TikTok accounts, probably for vape cartridge manufacturers. Everybody wins!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/1/23

Can one law enforcement officer truly keep on top of fishcrime, beastcrime, and mancrime? Truly this is an impossible task!

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Mary Worth, 7/29/23

Are you suffering from depression? Well, the good people at Mary Worth suggest that you simply reunite with a long lost friend, which will clear the problem up entirely. If you don’t have any friends, that frankly is not Mary Worth’s problem. Have you considered getting held hostage and barely escaping with your life? That’s a great way to meet people.

Hi and Lois, 7/29/23

Thirsty being kind of aggressively “fun” and wacky, waving his hands around … he’s drunk, right? Like, more than usual? I get why he’s so insistent, though: he’s finally figured out the secret to making golf fun and doesn’t want to let it go to waste.

Pluggers, 7/29/23

The way the he-plugger is clutching his chest here is evocative and disturbing to me. “Please, dear, stand up. We just need to make it to the car. We can’t afford the ambulance ride. I know you can do it!”

Gil Thorp, 7/29/23

“Imagine what they get away with in adult prisons. Oh, hey, I just happen to have this DVD about what they get away with in adult women’s prisons! Maybe we could watch that instead of the game? Ha ha, just kidding. Unless…?”

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Gil Thorp, 7/26/23

Oh, wow, when I called for a wacky summer storyline, I didn’t expect a dystopian plot where a flamboyantly dressed warden named “Reno Harwood” forces criminal-teens to battle it out in his JailDome, with quadrocopter drone cameras streaming the whole thing out for the entertainment of bloodthirsty Twitch viewers everywhere. Marty Moon will enthusiastically do the play by play, and the stakes are high: the winners will earn their freedom, while the losers are condemned to death. Unfortunately, Gil’s decision to prepare his team for an indoor game by making them practice in the pouring rain may prove counterproductive.

Bizarro, 7/26/23

Like Mickey Mouse, Ronald McDonald is theoretically the most important character in his weird little world but is also the most boring one; why would you spend time thinking about this vaguely off-putting clown when you could be following the adventures of the mayor with a cheeseburger for a head, or a criminal who steals burgers, or a bird who is also Amelia Earhart, or whatever the hell Grimace is? But from now on I’ll spending a lot of energy contemplating Ronald McDonald — specifically, wondering if his partner is a hamurger or if he has latent hamburger DNA or if his partner is a normal human woman who gave birth to a hamburger and just started screaming and screaming while the doctor came out and told Ronald and he was just like “Heh heh, exactly as I expected.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/26/23

“You also keep sending us your bill, and we keep telling you that just because you commandeered one of our rooms and did surgery in it without asking anyone about it doesn’t mean we owe you money.”