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Judge Parker, 9/16/19

OK, let me let you in on some “Hollywood insider” information: I’m afraid that spending three days telling a couple of unrepped aspiring screenwriters your convoluted life story of spying and betrayal does not mean that the movie that’s going to exonerate you will be opening nationwide in time for awards season. I’m not sure how often along the long, winding path to production April’s gonna need to blow back into town to threaten someone with a gun: when our gals try to get an agent? At meetings with Netflix execs who see it more as a series? When they get the first round of producer notes telling them the protagonist needs to be more likable? This could be a lot more work than she’s bargained for, and she might want to look into getting an apartment in LA.

Six Chix, 9/16/19

I honestly appreciate to work put into actually making the grawlixes look like real physical objects, but to me it has the downside of trying to read them as a rebus and figure out what the swear word is supposed to be. “Screw poop”? “Screwy shit”? “Screw turd”? I feel like I’m so close, but not quite there.

Hi and Lois, 9/16/19

Hell yeah, Trixie feels good about how she looks and does not feel constrained by the gender binary. You go, kiddo!

Shoe, 9/16/19

It took me a few seconds to see the flowerpot that Biz is holding in panel two here, and so I parsed “bouquet” in the sense of “odor” or “smell” and assumed that the poor old man had the literal small of death on him. Like, just the odor of an embalmed corpse that he couldn’t get out of his nose. Anyway, let’s all have a fun week, everyone!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/8/19

Oh, hey everyone, looks like the New Age Scammer plot is over and done so we can move back to … Buck and Mindy, everyone’s (?) favorite (???) recurring Rex Morgan, M.D., ancillary characters! Buck’s come a long way from when we first met him, right after he got shot in the head with a nail gun by his wife/Rex’s ex-girlfriend, and now he’s with his new loving wife Mindy, who based on the evidence of this strip he appears to have successfully knocked up, but what if she’s not pregnant at all? What if she’s just had really bad indigestion for the past seven and a half months, and when June says “it’s time,” that means that she’s finally successfully pooped under a doctor’s supervision? I think that would be truly beautiful.

Hi and Lois, 9/8/19

I’m sorry, “I’ll never be as great as you, but I’ll bask in your glory, not live in your shadow” is some extremely supervillain origin story monologue shit. Trixie has just pledged to live, die, and possibly kill for her liege lord, the Sun, and we should all be worried.

Curtis, 9/8/19

Man, I know the webcomics community doesn’t have quite the same energy that it did in the ’00s, but … are people really doing webcomics about half-assedly cleaning your dishes now? Is that … is that a thing? Maybe I’m the one out of touch with the scene.

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Dennis the Menace, 8/31/19

Lord knows I’m sympathetic to the dilemma that syndicated comics artists find themselves in, trying to generate new joke-bearing scenarios out of varying combinations of the same basic components year after year, but I don’t think today’s Dennis the Menace rings true. Could George Mitchell, who barely tolerates Dennis’s presence in his house, and who also generally can’t avoid Dennis because he never leaves his house, really have been convinced to take Dennis to a movie? Sorry, I can’t suspend my disbelief, though I do buy the idea that the precocious and mature Margaret would easily be able to navigate the cinema experience by herself, as we can see in the background.

Blondie, 8/31/19

You know, the whole goofy Dagwood food thing makes a lot more sense if we read it as an elaborate metaphor for sex addiction. Dagwood can get sandwiches in his own home any time he wants — his wife is of course very good at making sandwiches, and in a pinch he’s pretty proud of how well he can make one himself — but that can’t satisfy him anymore. He needs new sandwiches, different sandwiches, sandwiches in weird and unlikely places. He’ll make up any ridiculous excuse to go anywhere if it seems like he might be able to get a sandwich out of it, and now he’s gotten to the point where he’s not even trying to hide it from his wife anymore.

Hi and Lois, 8/31/19

If you want a more mature, realistic take on what happens when a seemingly innocent trip to the golf course descends into lies and marital strife, we recommend Hi and Lois.

Mark Trail, 8/31/19

We haven’t seen a lot of Andy the dog in Mark Trail lately, and now we know why: he’s no longer fit to appear in a family comic strip because, as we can tell by his wide eyes and lolling tongue in panel one here, he’s become a sicko pervert who gets turned on by watching humans “do it.” (A lingering closed-mouth kiss what passes for “doing it” in the Mark Trail universe.)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/31/19

Oh, sorry, have we not spent enough covering the denouement of the whole “Rex unmasks the Miss Galexia scam” plotline? Well, buckle up, because Rex is about to tell June the whole thing, in detail.

Family Circus, 8/31/19

HOLY SHIT

THE KEANE KIDS LIVE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE SEPTEMBER IS 31 DAYS LONG

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

OR MAYBE AUGUST IS JUST ONE DAY SHORTER AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS EXACTLY THE SAME

STILL, IT’S PRETTY WEIRD, RIGHT