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Judge Parker, 9/16/19

OK, let me let you in on some “Hollywood insider” information: I’m afraid that spending three days telling a couple of unrepped aspiring screenwriters your convoluted life story of spying and betrayal does not mean that the movie that’s going to exonerate you will be opening nationwide in time for awards season. I’m not sure how often along the long, winding path to production April’s gonna need to blow back into town to threaten someone with a gun: when our gals try to get an agent? At meetings with Netflix execs who see it more as a series? When they get the first round of producer notes telling them the protagonist needs to be more likable? This could be a lot more work than she’s bargained for, and she might want to look into getting an apartment in LA.

Six Chix, 9/16/19

I honestly appreciate to work put into actually making the grawlixes look like real physical objects, but to me it has the downside of trying to read them as a rebus and figure out what the swear word is supposed to be. “Screw poop”? “Screwy shit”? “Screw turd”? I feel like I’m so close, but not quite there.

Hi and Lois, 9/16/19

Hell yeah, Trixie feels good about how she looks and does not feel constrained by the gender binary. You go, kiddo!

Shoe, 9/16/19

It took me a few seconds to see the flowerpot that Biz is holding in panel two here, and so I parsed “bouquet” in the sense of “odor” or “smell” and assumed that the poor old man had the literal small of death on him. Like, just the odor of an embalmed corpse that he couldn’t get out of his nose. Anyway, let’s all have a fun week, everyone!

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Judge Parker, 9/9/19

Oh, man, remember when Judge Parker Senior confessed on TV that he did a crime, and then some other mean judge — probably because judges actively breaking the law is a sore spot for him for some reason, maybe because it makes all judges look bad or maybe he just doesn’t like a two-tier justice system for the rich and poor, who can say — put Judge Parker Senior in jail? Well, it looks like our gang is about to do another crime to get Judge Parker Senior out of jail, and it is extremely key that current Judge Randy Parker not know any of the details. Definitely everything he’s heard up to this point would lead him to believe that Sam’s plan is on the up and up! He won’t be going to jail, no sir!

Dustin, 9/9/19

Nice to see that Dustin is taking a day off from its usual shtick of slamming on millennials, or even its occasional shtick of slamming on baby boomers, to cover a subject we can all enjoy: TV commercials. You ever notice how many commercials are on TV, folks? Millennials don’t, because they use their parents logins to watch Netflix and HBO Go on their laptops in their rooms, but that’s neither here nor there.

Pluggers, 9/9/19

You’re a plugger if you need to hide coupons from your spouse because you know his love of terrible processed foods combined with his love of a bargain could literally kill him this week.

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So ends the Comics Curmudgeon 2019 Summer Fundraiser — Thank you for your generous support!

Six Chix, 8/24/19

Never mind joy, that blouse is sparking some serious anger. I’d love to know the backstory here: was the blouse a gift from an ex before a bitter breakup? A reminder of some humiliating public wardrobe malfunction? A hand-me-down from a hated elder sister? Or is she just feeling resentful at being pushed around by some weepy co-dependent rag? Jeez, lady, it hasn’t fit you in fifteen years!

Judge Parker, 8/24/19

First-time offender Alan Parker confessed, before any charges were filed, that he helped Norton here fake his own death. What is that, worst case maybe honest services fraud? But the judge in the case — a former colleague of Parker’s — denied his request for bail and threw him in the penitentiary until his trial. And now Norton plans to unwind all that by lying to the court that he made him do it?

Neddy wrote this, right? It’s a plot twist and we’re just reading her screenplay. Please?

Mark Trail, 8/24/19

Pluggers

Sally Forth, 8/24/19

Jackie wants to buy “Small Wonders,” her friend/boss Tasha’s vanity business. She hasn’t done the research. She hasn’t talked to the necessary people. She is still Sally’s lost little sister.

Jackie is the Fredo Corleone of Sally Forth, making Sally its Michael and Ted its … no no no, that won’t work at all; let me start over …

— Uncle Lumpy