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Funky Winkerbean, 4/26/14

Plantman’s secret … REVEALED! I’m not, of course, referring to a secret about his motivation for killing Jess’s father, the discovery of which was why she arranged this jailhouse interview in the first place but which he’s always been pretty upfront about. No, he’s apparently known for years that Jess’s father, John Darling, was cheating on Jess’s mother, Jan, based on a very oddly constructed set of last words. Will this send Jess into a devastating downward emotional spiral? Will she spend the next several months or years researching this “new lead,” eventually discovering that Plantman has wildly misinterpreted the phrase and it actually means something fairly innocuous? Will she then conclude that her father wasn’t a hateful asshole after all, even though all available evidence indicates pretty strongly that, no, he really, really was?

Beetle Bailey, 4/26/14

Read left-to-right, the final panel of today’s Beetle Bailey is quite an emotional roller coaster! At first, I saw General Halftrack’s sad facial expression and read his dialogue and assumed he was desperately trying to carve out some autonomy within his own life. His wife may find his emotional investment in sports silly, but darn it, he enjoys them, and the outcome really does matter to him. Then I read her sullen response and realized, oh, he’s just worried about having his legs broken by his bookie’s enforcers.

Lockhorns, 4/26/14

Congratulations to everyone who had the Lockhorns in the “Most Disturbing Image In Today’s Comics” pool!

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/4/14

Cindy Summers had been just about the only major Funky Winkerbean character to have escaped Westview’s depressive, cancerous gravitational pull, but since her discriminatory firing, her fantasy of personal happiness is now over and God, she’s even more miserable looking about it that I would’ve imagined. Look at the loving detail on the bags under her eyes in the final panel! Has she been crying? Or is she just tired, so very tired? Anyway, I love that instead of going to one of Cleveland’s hipper neighborhoods or even to some nice, soothing chain motel where she can get her bearings, she’s chosen to have the cab take her directly from the airport to the ex-husband-managed pizza place that’s the social and economic epicenter of the dying suburb where she grew up. You can go home again. You must go home again. THERE IS NO ESCAPING YOUR HOME, NOW, AGAIN, OR EVER.

Curtis, 3/4/14

Don’t worry everyone! Gunk did not die when he leapt into the icy water to rescue dolphins! He just went into a state of hibernation so everyone thought he was dead. (We did not get similarly reassuring closure on the status of the dolphins.) Also he has now explicitly admitted that the inhabitants of Flyspeck Island are a distinct and non-human species of hominids? Look for the U.S. Navy to quarantine the place and send in teams of scientists as soon as word gets out.

Better Half, 3/4/14

Harriet would prefer to have sex with a woman.

Lockhorns, 3/4/14

Loretta would prefer to have sex with the Brawny towel guy.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/18/14

Having been so long isolated from the mainstream of the U.S. and global economies, Hootin’ Holler has de facto become its own alternate currency zone.

Pluggers, 1/18/14

The crushing sameness of their dull, long, disappointing lives has numbed pluggers to the point that they rarely change facial expressions anymore. But they still need to occasionally groom the hair that continues to thrive even while their souls shrivel.

Mark Trail, 1/18/14

“Hey, wait, why are you shutting the door? Why are you locking the door? Why doesn’t my key work in the door anymore?”

Lockhorns, 1/18/14

Welp, looks like I’m pretty much the same age as Leroy Lockhorn, time to go weep endlessly somewhere!