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Mark Trail, 1/30/17

Last week’s Mark Trails were a between-stories palate cleanser that depicted a noble woodland creature (a bear) in search of a meal, which I didn’t post here because they were kinda dull. Today’s Mark Trails is about another noble woodland creature (Mark Trail) in search of a meal, which he’s having handed to him in a huge, steaming stack, and I’m posting it here because it’s amazing. That pile of flapjacks is hypnotic, and it’s totally worth violating the 180-degree rule between panels one and two to keep them in the same spot in the frame, focusing our attention on them and emphasizing the fact that nobody in the room can take their eyes off their pancakey deliciousness.

Meanwhile, Rusty wants us to know that he enjoys pancakes too. Tough shit, Rusty! Did you narrowly escape an exploding island anytime recently? No? Then how about you sit there in blessed silence and let Mark methodically and manfully devour that entire heap of griddled delight in peace.

Mary Worth, 1/30/17

Hey, remember when someone wrote into “Ask Wendy” with a professional dilemma that blatantly mirrored the Iris-Zak-Wilbur triangle? Mary told the questioner they should make a list of pros and cons for each of their options. Well, looks like that didn’t work! Looks like Mary’s whole professional advice-giving style is bullshit. Looks like Wilbur’s gonna have to come back from Antarctica and CLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY HIS, by which I mean his advice column, but probably Iris will end up back with him too because this strip always makes a list pros and cons for every potential narrative resolution and inevitably settles on the least interesting option.

Pluggers, 1/30/17

Usually when Pluggers presents a plugger’s version of some common phrase, it’s supposed to be a simpler, down-home alternative to some fancy pants elitist institution. But the “discount double-check” is a service offered by State Farm to its car insurance customers and advertised in heavy rotation during NFL games, so this cartoon is … confusing? Do pluggers not use car insurance, because only a bad person would have a car accident, probably because they’re listening to rap music? Or does State Farm cater to effete city dwellers? It’s got “farm” right in the name, darn it!

Dennis the Menace, 1/30/17

I mean, I guess that’s what they call it when you try to leave the Cheesecake Factory without paying and sprain your elbow as security wrestles you to the ground!

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Six Chix, 1/20/17

Are you interested in making an Uber joke and a lawyer joke, but aren’t too familiar with terminology pertaining to either? Here are some handy tips:

• Uber has a service called “Uber Pool” where you pay less but your driver will pick up and drop off other passengers en route. Might be good for a joke where you get more people than you expected!
• The collective noun for a group of lawyers is a “firm,” not a “horde.” The idea of a horde of lawyers might be funny if that were your main joke and you weren’t trying to wedge it into an entirely unrelated joke about Uber.

I thank you for your time.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/20/17

I was about to complain about projecting human body dysmorphic self-loathing onto animals, but then I saw the hearts above that pig’s head in panel two and realized we had much bigger things to worry about here.

Mark Trail, 1/20/17

NOOOO, MARK DON’T READ THE COMMENTS

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Mary Worth, 1/17/17

Ha ha ha oh my God Dawn and Harlan are making a very strong bid to reclaim the crown of #1 Age-Mismatched Pair In Mary Worth Who Are Probably Having Sex! You of course remember Harlan as Dawn’s substitute Art History professor who fed her some line about the mind and the body and then invited her to a private, one-on-one yoga session at his apartment and then took her to look at erotic art and then Dawn assured Wilbur he wasn’t taking advantage of her but Dawn’s friends cruelly bullied her so Dawn agreed to see a movie with them and so now they leave her alone about it. Anyway, since then their relationship has clearly advanced well into “let’s wear entirely insane clothes in public together, dance sweatily, and drink” territory! The neck jewelry alone here puts panel one into the Mary Worth Panel Hall Of Fame in my opinion, though Harlan’s is riding so low it’s more like shoulder jewelry (is that … like, a chain you’d put on snow tires?). Do you think Dawn consciously chose to wear suspenders/overalls (can’t tell from this angle, but either option is hilarious) to mirror the awesome stripes on Harlan’s shirt, or are the two of them just that aesthetically in sync?

The real excitement here will come when these two twosomes encounter each other, since Dawn is of course the daughter of the man whose relationship with Iris is currently “on a break.” I imagine the two women’s eyes locking across the room, and both of them wordlessly assuring each other that what happens at Disco Night at Santa Royale’s second-most popular all-ages club while Wilbur is in Antarctica stays at Disco Night at Santa Royale’s second-most popular all-ages club while Wilbur is in Antarctica.

Mark Trail, 1/17/17

Oh good, it looks like Mark’s going to spend the week after the end of the volcano storyline explaining away all of said storyline’s logical inconsistencies! Tomorrow we’ll tackle “volcanic atolls are inevitably extinct,” Thursday will be for “the active front of the volcanic Hawaiian range is southeast of the Big Island, hundreds of miles from Kauai,” Friday we can do “what was the deal with that temple, anyway,” and then we can spend the weekend discussing Woods & Wildlife Magazine’s revenue model.

Judge Parker, 1/17/17

Oh, right, this whole thing started when Sophie tried to seduce Derek by taking guitar lessons from him, didn’t it? Anyway, this Judge Parker storyline should be a lesson to teens everywhere: your so-called “rock star” heroes make playing the guitar look cool, but in fact learning to play will inevitably lead to your mysterious kidnapping. Stay in school, kids!