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Mark Trail, 3/11/09

With each passing day, it becomes harder for me to imagine going back to my vision of Mark Trail as a lovable idiot savant who loves nature and punching smugglers; now he will forever be known as an abuse enabler, ready to stoke the fires of domestic violence hell for women who dare to enter their husbands’ field of vision when he’s having business troubles, just has he’s literally stoking the fires in his fireplace in panel two. I’m sure looking forward to seeing that magazine story, the thesis of which will be “Ladies! If you’re thinking about keeping a wild animal as a pet, get some advice, or you’re gonna get beat up!” Hopefully it will be published in Cosmo, the better to reach its target audience of women, rather than in Mark’s usual wildlife magazine, which is read by nobody.

The only faint glimmer of hope is that Ken and Patty are apparently going to adopt their baby — or rather, will apply to adopt a baby, and will be immediately turned down by the adoption agency when the terrifying dynamic of their relationship becomes obvious about thirty seconds into the home visit. I mean, that’s what’s going to happen, right? RIGHT? Oh, who am I kidding — this is Lost Forest! Probably the social worker will show up, note that Ken doesn’t have facial hair, check the medicine cabinet to make sure supplies of razors and shaving cream are adequate, and then hand over a squalling infant on the spot.

Marvin, 3/11/09

Normally, a couple lying in bed making comments like these about their privacy would be hinting not so subtly that they’re too self-conscious about having the relations within earshot of old people. However, these are Marvin’s parents; we know for certain that, once they saw the product of their coupling, they vowed to never, ever even think about having sex again.

Marmaduke, 3/11/09

Oh, you’ll be plenty warm … IN MARMADUKE’S STOMACH! Because he likes to eat people, you see.

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Mark Trail, 3/9/09

You know, I was really hoping that Mark would smugly return to his forest home today, so we could get started on the next storyline about poachers or whatever, and perhaps we could begin to forget the retrograde horror that has been the Ken and Patti plotline. But instead, things are getting even worse. Previously, Patti said something about not being able to have a baby, which I assumed meant that her womb had been blighted by the Lord in punishment for her occasionally having negative thoughts about the way her husband slapped her around; today, though, we learn that Ken has apparently been withholding his man-essence from her, but has now decided that it’s time he began reproducing himself. So, in an attempt to provide some sort of balanced view, let me just say this: BABIES DO NOT SOLVE MARITAL PROBLEMS. THEY EXACERBATE THEM. But unless the “tests” our nurse is about to run include a surreptitious vasectomy, it’s probably too late for our doomed couple.

Cleats, 3/9/09

Oh, look, Cleats is taking a break from its kid-friendly sports humor to introduce yet another terrifying demon-thing. Pray to God that it doesn’t turn around tomorrow, showing us the front of its grotesque, unnatural head.

Judge Parker, 3/9/09

“Interesting? Not really … wait, this is Judge Parker. ‘Interesting’ is code for ‘offering an opportunity for a hot lady to show off her breasts.’ So, yeah, I guess that is kind of interesting.”

Slylock Fox, 3/9/09

Koppy Kat’s bust made big headlines, but as a first-time offender, he was able to plea-bargain his sentence down to 18 months in minimum security, thanks to his agreement to discreetly help local museums determine which of their pieces were forgeries. (There were more than you’d think, and not all of them came out of Koppy’s workshop.) To the surprise of everyone, the experience scared him straight; upon his release, he embarked on a career as an art consultant, supplementing his income by churning out “Six Differences” puzzles. But that day’s bust had a just as big an effect on someone else: Max Mouse. As soon as he laid eyes on that unsettling psychedelic drawing of Mickey with one eye and one ear, he realized just how limited his worldview was, and he was immediately seized by a need to expand his consciousness however he could. Six months later, he had changed his name to “Maximum Spirit Voyager,” was living in a commune in New Mexico, and had taken more peyote than most doctors would have believed survivable.

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Mark Trail, 3/6/09

I’ve been trying, and failing, to come up with a funny about what appears to be the terrible, terrible ending to this Mark Trail storyline, in which we get to see Patty, after months of living in obvious and sustained terror of her slap-happy, quick-trigger husband, groveling for his forgiveness. It’s OK, you see, because he took his medicine (in the form of some antlers to the solar plexus), and he only did it because he loved her too damn much! Ha ha ha! We should have all known that Ken would turn out to be a good guy because, hey, the man can trim off his facial hair like a pro. And now they’ll live happily ever after, until the murder-suicide.

Mary Worth, 3/6/09

Now, passive-aggressive psychological manipulation in relationships — that’s all good fun. “It also makes people check their common sense at the door! Emotions sometime override intelligent thought! Why, you can find yourself trapped with someone who isn’t as they seem, whose sweetness and light in public disguise their need to control and …” “Jeff, I’ve said repeatedly that Adrian will be fine — why are you still talking? Do you want to be banished back to first base for the rest of the month? Do you?”

Gil Thorp, 3/6/09

Good lord, look at the pupils on New Wave Hairstyle Girl Whose Name I Don’t Know in panel one. By “Ashley,” she clearly means “that enormous bag of Ecstasy I bought yesterday.”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/6/09

Teen Lesbian Locker Room Hookers — coming up next, on the Spice Channel.