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Gil Thorp, 10/29/07

Uh-oh! In a totally shocking unforeseeable development, it seems that vaguely repentant “accidental” murderer Cully Vale is falling in with a bad crowd! That Mitch “found” that money in some old lady’s purse is obvious not least because he appears to be an Eisenhower-era greaser hood of some sort. Meanwhile in panel two Boyd Henry’s Chameleon Device briefly hit some kind of glitch, revealing his black, alien eyes. What sinister plan does this disguised extraterrestrial have for Cully, and for humanity? Only time will tell!

Cully is too dumb recognize any of the warning signs, obviously. He’s not even very in touch with the way his own body works. “Hmm, discomfort in my tummy … what could make grumbling go away? Food? Sure, food sounds great! I’ll try this ‘food’ of which you speak!”

Mark Trail, 10/29/07

Most of the comics are starting in on their Halloween stories this week, but none have offered a vision as terrifying as Johnny Malotte’s litter of spawn and their eager, smiling faces. It’s frankly a wonder that Mom can even sit up straight after pumping out this brood. I’m guessing the visiting businessmen will find this group of hillbilly Von Trapps more unsettling than enjoyable.

And yes, Johnny has facial hair, but he’s an “old friend” of Mark’s, so he gets some kind of pass. Based on his Captain Renault-style mustache and vaguely Frenchy last name, I’m going imagine him as a comical Quebecois outdoorsman for really no good reason.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/29/07

I’ll never forget the day I first visited my Great-Aunt Ruth and Great-Uncle Stan in their retirement community in the high desert about an hour outside of L.A. I was fourteen or fifteen at the time, and while I intellectually understood why they found the golf course directly adjacent to their backyard appealing, I was more impressed by the constant round of barbecues and cocktail parties — any time of day, any day of the week — that their lives had become. I quickly understood why everyone got around the streets of their little subdivision on golf carts and the speed limit was 15 miles per hour: because pretty much everyone had a buzz on all the time. Ever since that day, I’ve had one goal in mind: to retire in style. Thank you, TDIET, for reminding me to keep my eye on the ball.

Judge Parker, 10/29/07

*SPUT* *BLUB* DO NOT TELL ME THAT THIS IS HOW THIS STORY HAS BEEN RESOLVED. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

Sam is wearing his sunglasses to bring Extra Dickishness Action to this little conversation.

Hi and Lois, 10/29/07

Ha ha! It’s funny because Hi and Lois are bankrupt!

Lockhorns, 10/29/07

Ha ha! It’s funny because something pop-culture-related Loretta can’t cook!

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Argh, those Sunday strips are so big! Let’s take them on in bite-sized chunks.

Apartment 3-G, 10/28/07

Yes, Ruby, and if your mad cosmetological skills don’t land you a hairdressing job, your mad unbearably-white-deployment-of-verging-on-outdated-slang skills should land you a role in that new off-Broadway production, Diff’rent Strokes: The Musical.

Panel from Beetle Bailey, 10/28/07

“I wish you got more to give me, Beetle. I wish you would just turn around and say ‘I love you, Sarge,’ never mind the consequences. But you don’t got the guts. So I’ll just stand here with my hand on your shoulder, your tight-football-pants-clad butt just inches from my crotch, for a few minutes. That’s all I’ve got. I wish I got more.”

Portion of the Family Circus, 10/28/07

I’m not sure which is more disturbing: the thought that daddy’s work pants are tattered and stained with cut-rate gin and urine, or the thought that daddy’s work pants are bright pink and end just below the bottom of his butt cheeks.

Panel from Mark Trail, 10/28/07

“Normal humans have nothing to fear from our friends the owls! However, horrible mutants — like this freakish, big-foreheaded specimen here — will be subject to vicious, merciless owl attacks. Remember, owls are your town’s first line of defense against mutant incursions!”

Panel from Mary Worth, 10/28/07

I guess those motion lines around Dr. Jeff’s head are supposed to indicate that he’s taking a deep, hearty quaff of whatever hard liquor he’s surreptitiously poured into his coffee mug, but they look more like bobble lines of shock and horror to me. Combined with his wide eyes, I imagine he’s thinking, “Wait, it isn’t? God damn it, woman, you know that if my son’s involved in this stupid comic strip, I need to show up in it every once in a while as well. Why can’t the plots involve Chinbeard and his trophy wife for once? Who are they sleeping with to get out of their contractually mandated number of appearances in this nightmare?”

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Dick Tracy, 10/25/07

I’m going to ignore the concept of an old haunted house with a bad reputation (as opposed to the many old haunted houses haunted by jovial, friendly ghosts who give back rubs and offer stock tips) as garden-variety Dick Tracy madness. But I am intrigued by the mortgage default angle here. Is Dick Tracy going to be the first comic (other than Hi and Lois, which was much more oblique about it) to cover the bursting housing bubble and subprime mortgage collapse? Will this storyline end with Detective Tracy pumping hot lead into some bank loan office while growling “That’s one loan you never should have underwritten”? Stay tuned!

Mark Trail, 10/25/07

OK NOW? NOW WILL THIS FREAKIN’ DUCK STORYLINE END? NOW? Anyway, word of advice to Homer: stay the hell away from those ducks. Their aberrant, freakish coloring indicates that they’re hideous mutants and thus almost certainly highly radioactive. Plus, they’re not really your “family.” They’re ducks. They’re barely aware of your existence. They’ll completely ignore you if someone shows up with a loaf of bread, and when they decide to fly off — which they will — no thoughts of your lumpy face and bandage-wrapped noggin will ever cross their tiny, pea-sized brains again. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. And frankly, that’s pretty much the way it’s going to be with your human children as well.

Marvin, 10/25/07

I kind of love the expression on Marvin’s friend’s face here. He looks like someone who’s just been acquainted with the messy details of human reproduction. “Wait, dad did WHAT to mom’s WHAT? And then he did WHAT? And now a baby’s going to come out of WHAT? Oh, hell no.”

Pluggers, 10/25/07

ALERT! ALERT! A PLUGGER IN SECTOR 7-G HAS IDENTIFIED HERSELF AS “FUN-LOVING”! PLEASE INCREASE THE PERVASIVE SOUL-CRUSHING SENSE OF AWFULNESS IN THAT SECTOR AT ONCE! NO PLUGGER IS PERMITTED TO EXPERIENCE SO-CALLED “FUN”!

(By the way, if you have no idea what the hell this is about, it’s about this, and, by extension, probably this. But it’s Pluggers, so really who the hell knows.)

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/25/07

Comics Curmudgeon readers are either all cranks or really good at coming up with little real-life ironies that appeal to Al Scaduto — or both! Anyway, “Gaylord Fields” is really faithful reader HBGlord! His explanation of the circumstances behind this strip is much funnier than any commentary I could come up with:

Like literally everything that has ever run in TDIET, the inspiration was real life. Sitting in bed at 4 a.m. fuming after the now-recorded-for-posterity incident unfolded, I looked over at my lovely wife and saw her morph into none other than Migraina! At that moment a light-bulb appeared over my head (which also didn’t help me get back to sleep). I’m sure that’s exactly how great writers like Hemingway got their inspiration to, well, not so much create classic literary works as much as blow their brains out.

Finally, unrelated to anything but something you need to read: Shaenon Garrity has figured out the deal with Funky Winkerbean. (And if you like that essay, you’ll probably want to read her seminal “Why I Hate Anthony” if you haven’t already.)