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Beetle Bailey, 11/23/19

Real Beetle Bailey-heads know that General Halftrack has a driver, and his name is Julius, although I don’t think he’s appeared in the strip in a while; the only place I can find him in my archives is here, in what appears to be a gay panic dream sequence from 2004. A mere gap of 15 years is of course nothing to the deep lore of Beetle Bailey continuity, though I suppose it’s possible that he was reassigned to a more important job as part of Pentagon budget cuts; still, I assume that mostly this joke is about how the folks Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC finally heard about Uber and could’t wait to use it as a punchline.

Blondie, 11/23/19

Speaking of hilarious tech punchlines: you guys heard about this bitcoin thing? It’s electronic moola! You could buy [tries desperately to think of a cool high-tech thing a kid would like] a … drone? … with bitcoins, that’s for sure! Helpful tip: if your joke hinges on something being a high-tech novelty, but that thing was already a punchline in Snuffy Smith four years ago, it is no longer particularly novel.

Crankshaft, 11/23/19

Here it is, Thanksgiving weekend, and the boys are “enjoying” some good old-fashioned football! Remember when Crazy Harry laid out the rules of happiness in the Funkyverse, which are that you can’t ever feel happy because if you do the universe will make you regret it? I thought about that watching Jeff clinging anxiously to that unopened bag of chips there. A normal person would open the chips and eat them to enjoy time with their family. But that sounds like fun, and fun is the one thing none of these sad sacks is allowed to have.

Mary Worth, 11/23/19

Ha ha, how cool and fun would it be if your friend set you up with someone, and then that person got really drunk before a date and made just a complete theatrical ass of himself, and when you told your friend about it, they were just like “Oh, wow, yeah, that definitely sounds in character for him, this person I suggested you become romantically involved with!” Would you stay friends with this person? Would you ever speak to them again?

Mark Trail, 11/23/19

BAD NEWS: Mark Trail and company have still not encountered even a single yeti.

GOOD NEWS: Mark Trail and company are fleeing from a landslide while wearing … snuggies? Let’s say snuggies. More on this development as events warrant.

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Dick Tracy, 11/12/19

Folks, another Dick Tracy plot has come and gone without me bothering to keep you up on the details much, but trust me when I say it was generally kind of confusing and there’s been absolutely no in-story explanation of why Det. Frisk’s hair, once blonde, is now abruptly Manic Panic pink. I didn’t even bother to inform you when the storyline’s villains, whose motivations I never had a particularly firm grasp on, drove their car off a bridge and into a river. But I thought you might enjoy today’s strip, in which Tracy makes an extremely half-assed attempt to radio for help, and then he and Frisk calmly discuss the fact that their antagonists’ souls will be tortured forever in hell, probably.

Mark Trail, 11/12/19

Remember, kids, if you encounter an enormous six-foot ‘gator, a few well-placed WHACK KA-WHACKs will be enough to defeat it! Definitely feel free to just bonk that ‘gator with whatever big stick you have handy. No ill will come of it, for you!

Mary Worth, 11/12/19

Estelle thinks not taking Wilbur’s glasses off after gently tucking him in on the couch and then thought ballooning about how she had an unpleasant evening constitutes an appropriate response to this evening’s mayhem, which is why Estelle needs to learn to respect herself

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Mary Worth, 11/10/19

It feels almost churlish to complain about a week of Mary Worth that has brought us so much joy, climaxing in today’s strip in which Wilbur drunkenly karate-chops a full wine glass into Iris — if only the technology existed to render this in Wachowski-style bullet time! — and then he and Zak compete for the right to daub her soiled bosom. But I have to admit that throughout this whole thing, I don’t quite have a sense of Zak’s character. Is he as charming and guileless as he seems? When Wilbur decides to show his hip bona fides by proclaiming his love for a twenty-year-old film, is Zak’s response that it was father’s favorite movie meant to twist the knife? Or is he really cheerfully relating his own connection to the now-classic, with no ulterior motive? Either way, it’s going to make Wilbur die inside, of course, but I find myself wanting to know the precise texture of his pain, for probably obvious reasons.

Mark Trail, 11/10/19

“This has led to an increase in animal density in forested areas, resulting in some tigers venturing outside in search of a meal, and, tragically, that means conflict with humans. That seemed like a real downer to draw, honestly. Wouldn’t you rather see a tiger fighting an alligator? No idea if that has any scientific basis, but it sure sounds metal as hell.”