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Hagar the Horrible, 8/26/17

So apparently Lucky Eddie’s romance with a mermaid has advanced despite the fact that he sold her daughter to a zoo. Anyway, now they’re on a double date with Hagar and Helga, in a restaurant, and apparently even though mermaids can breathe air (do they need to breathe air? she doesn’t seem to have gills) their lower, fishy half needs to stay submerged. We’re learning so much about mermaid biology here! The thing that really concerns me, though, is that when I see a tank in a restaurant I assume whatever’s inside it is on the menu. I mean, Lucky Eddie seems very much in love, but Lucky Eddie also sold her daughter to a zoo, so!

Marvin, 8/26/17

I just spent longer than I’m comfortable talking about trying to figure out if “peeing averages” is a pun or a play on words of some sort, but I guess I’m just going to face the truth and brace myself for next week’s series of Very Special Marvins, which will focus on his serious bladder condition.

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Mark Trail, 8/25/17

It appears that the time for trick riding is done. It has its place, of course, like when you need to trick a particularly dim kidnapper who can’t be bothered to look down a cliff to see if you’re dead at the bottom of it, or if it’s really a cliff at all and not just a gentle slope. But now it’s the draft horses’ time to shine. They’re calm, and they’re strong. That’s the attitude you want a horse to have when you send it to fight a bear in a cave. Horse vs. bear, deep beneath the earth’s crust: the greatest spectacle nature has to offer. I for one am ready.

Mary Worth, 8/25/17

As predicted, Dr. Ned has been off smooching with Dawn (and presumably every other comely young temp in the hospital) despite the fact that he’s still married, to his wife, from whom he earlier claimed to be divorced! And now Jared is about to stumble upon this shocking fact, which there was really no reason for Dr. Ned to ever lie to him about, but whatever. Will Jared able to warn Dawn in time???? He might have an easier time convincing her of his good intentions, if he weren’t such an off-putting dweeb who’s been blatantly trying to get in her pants since day one!

Marvin, 8/25/17

You know, I get the conceit of Marvin. I really do! I get that it’s funny to imagine that preverbal infants and toddlers might have fully formed adult thoughts and personalities inside their little heads, and that it’s funny to extrapolate how adult thought processes would map on to a baby’s everyday concerns. You follow that train of logic and then, sure, you get to a point where you realize you could get a laugh out of someone using grown-up language to complain that his parents don’t want him to shit himself anymore! Then you do that joke at least once a week for 35 years.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/17

“Well, how about the toast, then? With the crusts on, obviously — that’s where the nutrients are. Also, no butter or jam. Fats and sugars are the silent killers! But don’t worry, you can pair it with a piping lukewarm glass of tap water!”

Marvin, 7/12/17

Oh man, Dr. Dog is about to get some furious letters from Welsh corgis, along with some nuanced explainers on geographical nomenclature from the Unionist Irish wolfhound community.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/12/17

[Inside the offices of Conaco, LLC]

ASSISTANT: …oh, and there’s also that request from that comic strip artist to use your likeness in a ComicCon plotline.

CONAN O’BRIEN: Oh, right. Sure, say yes to that. It’ll be a good promo for the shows I’m going to be taping there.

ASSISTANT: So do you want them to sign something promising you won’t be portrayed in the comic strip as some kind of cartoonishly sexist boor?

CONAN O’BRIEN: What? Why … why would they even do that? That seems unnecessary. I’m sure it’ll be fine!